Hi! I've been a lurker for a while and I decided now that I'm getting completely out of hand I should try to join and get support and help from people that would understand best. Since no one I knows seems to understand and oddly it seems to be everyone's problem. We can find each other online but not anyone physically around us. Sorry for the typos in advance, I hate touch screen. And if anyone wants to reply w just there experiences w hypochondria please do!
This is the begining of day 1 of not smoking.. its been 7 hiurs so far.
So I tend to wirte drawn out things on forums but bear with me, I'm going to try to make this as short as possible with big facts and try to exclude the tiniest things that I always post cause I'm just a really detailed person. See, I didn't even have to add that -_-
Anyway, My hypochondriac tendencies seem tk be different as Im the lind of person tjat is TERRIFIED kf drs and will most likely avoid it.iI'm almost 22 & a female. Full time online college student while a live in babysitter for my brother cause my mom cannot afford daycare for him. For as long as I can remember I've been an anxious, shy girl and had a pretty bas chikdhood, actually my childhood sucked and I can say I feel 'robbed' of it. And depression has come ans gone many times since I was younger. I was always scared of pain. I recall my mom having tohave my mom chop up pills cause I CANNOT no mattwr whaaat she did, could not swalliw pills. So my fear really started then. Terrified that I'd get . ds, cancers. Anything thait would require pills that I'd much rather end up dying and not dealing with having to take. My aunt has aids and seeing her take her cocktails when I was youngwr terrified me to no end. I never was scared I actually hwould happen. I also had/have a fear of getting kidnapped. I am not a teen but I am small and look young so my chances are just that of a teenager!! A fear of strangers and older men, fear of speaking jn public, fear of driving, fear of falling whether from something big or small. Always been scared if everything. Never really impacted my life .uch. kinda made my grades bad cause I hated classes knowing if I had to present. I know where a lot of these fears stem from but that's a lot to add.
So, after a three month depression in early 2012, I quit smoking cigs (started in 2010, only when I was drunk did I smoke way too many other than that its always been 4 - 8 a day, there have been many times where I'd stop for a week here and there) for 3 months with only smoking a few nights like when I'd go out and due to depression tjat was only like 5 times. Im not crazy addicted though. I could go abiut 8 hiurs w I ut it while being awake. Recently I went through another break up, in nov, and I was really upset about it but eventually my other ex came back to me and this recent ex wanted to stay around and since I was single and they both didn't care, Italked to both of them and they both messed with my head oretty bad and eventually I got depressed this was dec 2012 & it led to a bunch kf negative thinking, which sent me into w phase that I realized a lot of negative from my childhood and why I am the way I am which just made me morr depressed and angry.v then I soent a month being terrified that I had schitzophrenia which I now know iI'm okay, I got out of that one. In Jan I camedown with the flu which is rare for me, havent had since 15. Then after a week I felt better but my throat was still uncomfortable. I googled my symtpoms which I knew it was a bad idea, (convinced myself I had a tumor in my vag for doing that last year -_-) it came out to so many things, lymphoma, throat cancer, so many tjjngs and well whatdoyaknow I start thinking j have everytjing and now j literally feel like I have throat cancer knowing well in the back of my mind that it could a whole bunch of different things. I had ggingivitis a couple years and ago and tried to sekf treat it cause I couldn't afford the meds and ifI feel something related tk that I swear its cancer and jt brings me down. I am so depressed w this and no jnsurance plsu a ridic fear of dr's makes me very unable to go. Its like now you know wjat thw syntpoms for the disease is you start to feelnthings you never felt before and twinges and pains like where did they come from?! It doesnt make sense! Btw my grammar and typing is usualoy a lot better. I just suck at typing on here and get too lazy to correct my grammar and its like 4 50 something a.m.
So I decided to take matters into my own hands until I have the money for a Mental health dr who can help me overcome a fear ao i can gk to the drs. I started off by cutting back cigs. I smoked 4 & maybe sometimes 5 a day, when I was at a 6 -8 a day rate. Gavw myself until the end of March to cut it out completely. Take one away every week so next week (later tiday) was supposed to be only 3 a day. Since I feel like I need it for my stressful things like walking alone to get my brother or being in a big crowd since it always gave me something for my hands to do and not feel as awkward but more relaxed I used those things as excuses tk keep it around longer. Ive taken steps jnto eating right and drinking more water. Even before I got the flu I was already eating and drjnling just a bit healthier. But as i was sitting and thinking about thwse twinges and weird throat feelings and my depression, I got up and looked at my last cig kn my box and said just do it, just try, have this last one and dknt go buy another, it's not worth the stress. SO thats what I did and I can only hope I stick to. My life has a lot of stressfil things going on (hate my city, argue often with my mom, cant get out much, mom is sick w lupus and shes on chemo but supposedly thatsbnot helping, kind of lonely - no one understands my problem and my friends are a half hour away and my sisters are moms so their lives are kinda different) and If smoking makes me feel worse In the back of my mind why would I keep on? I havw to find another solution and it's the forst step to hwlping my depression and anxiety.
My panic attacks, if I get too worked up about it my chest and throat get warm and I start breathing heavier and faster and hear a buzzing. I got it a lot whenever someone brough up cancer or those stupid commercials came on about cancer.I know there are differwnt things cigs do to you, blood circulation, decreased libido, messed up periods, ect but this cancer is the biggest fear. I wish ciga were illegal and weed was legal. It freaking helps people in majority of cases. I never talk abiut that, people get too butt hurt round my area. But anyway idk jf thats a panic atack in juat a different way. I get those feelings when I'm walking alone, put kn an awkward unckmfortable situaton, talking to older men, like scary ones, all those things.
Okay this has been too long, reading your stories help me a lot. But i still have this fear.. what if i do go to the drs and they say YOU HAVE THROAT CANCER TIME TO CUT UP A HOLE OR CUT OFF YOUR JAW AND TONGUE? Then i feel like Id rather die. Seriously. Dying like being sjot kn my head is preferable. Im sk scared of death and of slowly dying. Im not a believer of God but I have hope, idk what hapoens after but I know I wanna live a happy life and learn to accept it but here I am a pathetic person terrified and alone, emotional and have a mumber of possible mental problems, too scared to even get a license. I can only hope and try and my day 1 starts when I wake up. I know this wont be easy and will take time and im grateful that I have it better than most people thougih I'm sorry for them. Its always good to habe at least one person u can vent it to. To my mom, this stuff is somethingshe calls 'white people stuff, were puerto rican. Shes not racists she just thinks depression w young people doesnt exist, idk. So that just leaves me w my twin sisyer cause i am more open w her than my other sisters. Shes been through something similar and less severe and now she has her rare moments but shes better. Its hard for my sisters to understand when im the only smoker and the most emotional of us all -_-. She doesnt know the extent of my fear but she knows and tries to help how she can. So i know that even if its notbmuch but someone there at least one person to let u vent and even discuss it w youvand reassure you and guide you in a good direction, it helps somewhat even if you dont see it. We all have it in us to overcome it, we're just to scared and consumed and overwhelmed to know it right now ♡ good luck to everyone!