Really losing Hope

[rybonn]

I have been battling with panic and anxiety for over a year and a half, and recently its gotton to the point where i just want to give up..the depression that i get comes in waves, and is the scariest part...i lose all intrest in life, my job, my hobbies, and most disturbing my children...im at my wits end..ive tried therapy, meds, vitamins, exercise....i will have a good week or two, then come crashing right back to this horrible place which i m not sure if i can do it anymore...guess im jst curious if anyone else has struggles this long, and if i have any hope of ever getting my life back...i cry constanly, and my family is fed up with me as well...why cant i get better?!?! I have constant worry and negative thinking, and occasional panic attacks...i just started taking remeron again about 2 weeks ago, but dont have much hope that it will help...i just want to be the dad and husband i once was..fun, outgoing and adventurous...now i just hate life...

[kconnors]

Hi,

Glad that you found this site and felt comfortable in sharing your experience . . . please do not stop trying. I know that you have been through drugs and therapy, etc. and are frustrated and discouraged, but you do have glimmers of what will be (good weeks) . . . I don't have any quick fixes but I would suggest two ideas to consider:

1.  Because your anxiety and depression (two sides of the same coin) is overwhelming from your perspective, do consider in-patient intensive treatment. Perhaps you need a program that is focused, intensive, and with more one-on-one intervention. You may be able to discover and resolve root triggers and develop more effective management techniques with some professional guidance (sometimes more effectively accomplished with a therapist/counselor than with a psychiatrist who may be more inclined to control symptoms with meds);

2.  You seem to assume that you have done something "wrong" because your family is fed up with you. Please do not assume guilt. You are not asking to be depressed or anxiety-ridden and you are doing everything that the professionals have asked. I do know it is difficult for family members and friends to understand anxiety and depression if they have not experienced it. The best that I can say is to try and explain to them. If they are unwilling or do not understand, see if you can get them to talk with a counselor. Perhaps they are frustrated because they love you and do not know how to help you. Recovery from anxiety and depression is not a one-off  event; it is a process and sometimes a long process that has speed bumps. Eventually, though, hope becomes a reality.

You are doing your best to be the dad and husband you were . . . right now, though, you need to heal yourself and your kids and wife need to know that they play an important role in helping you to recover . . .

Please, please, please, check in here as often as you would like and let us know how you are doing . . . your steps may be small at first, but they will become very powerful tools in your recover . . . take care and please do not hate life; hate anxiety and depression, but not life . . .take care, kc

[rybonn]

Thanks so much for your reply... I am reading my post today, and am really ashamed and embaressed...i was in the middle of a panic episode, and get so low and hopeless when that happens..i guess i was just looking for a place to vent.Feeling better today, and know that if i just stay the course, i will get better. I am really working on acceptance with my therapist right now, and have made great strides, but when these setbacks come i am really poor at dealing with them and egt thrown in to total despair..guess its just something more i need to work on. Just get frustrated as its been a up and down affair for the past year and a half, and wish i could get longer periods of feeling myself. Dont know if it is normal for this to go on for so long, and continue to have setbacks, but i guess i just have to be more patient...and i would consider myself depressed, but when these setbacks come, i jsut feel hopeless and terrified...not sure if that is anxiety or depression? becaue the depression usally only last a couple of days...i just assume its just emotional depletion from constantly dealing with the anxiety and stress..any thoughts?

[kconnors]

Please do not feel either ashamed or embarrassed . . . you need to feel the strength that comes from putting your emotions out there . . . .it can be a great release simply to vent and you will discover that we are here to support each other . . . . I am glad that you are feeling better . . . I have tried to explain in other posts my view on set backs (sometimes not too clearly) . . . for me a set back is really and indication that I have made some progress because without going forward, I would not have a set back. I see set backs as speed bumps that can hit hard but after I get past them, well then even out in my rear view mirror as I put distance between them and me.

To respond to your question on whether anxiety / depression is an up and down affair and for how long . . . . this is very individual . . . .I have had long periods and then there is a trigger and I hit a speed bump . . . I think, though, you have realized what we have all come to realize to one extent or another . . . you need to be patient with yourself and with the process . . . .it is terrifying to think that we are slipping back into a darker moment, but you have come out of these darker moments and eventually the episodes do become more manageable . . .  whether it is anxiety or depression would be something to look at with your counselor . . . sometimes when we cannot manage anxiety effectively, we become depressed which creates anxiety . . . it is a vicious circle but it can be broken . .. . one of the biggest effects, as you point out, is that it leaves us emotionally, psychologically, and physically depleted . . . .for that reason, many of us commit to self-care, especially sleep to allow reality brain to gain predominance over anxiety brain . . . it is easier said than done . . . remember that it is small steps that will help . . . just doing one thing that is positive for you and it does not have to be a big thing, just one thing and keep building will help to sustain you . . . and please, do come here and vent . . . we may not be able to resolve your issues, but you will certainly find willing ears to listen to you and support you . . . .thanks so much for sharing your experiences with you . . . .you may not realize this, but by posting you have done something extremely positive for anyone who is reading your post . . . they also know that they are not alone . . .take care, kc