Thanks Ian, I wish someone could figure out why this is so for many folks. Its so cruel, really, to think you have the answer you can always go back to, and then it changes, esp with this dreadful condition. I do feel a bit better today, still got up late at 830 but also havent fallen back asleep. If I could get to 20 of the lex maybe that would help more, but for now I will stay at 15 till told to go up b/c I had bad morning anxiety when I tried it a couple of weeks ago. If I did it again I would have to go slower or use more klonopin, which the psych that first suggested the zyprexa had a dim view of. Yet it has helped me get on ssris and a tricyclic in the past, and I usually wait months before slowly tapering it down w/o . If I didnt get depression after the anxiety I'd probably use it as a monotherapy or as needed, I know folks who use ativan as needed and thats all they need. But they must just have panic attacks alone without the crap that usually follows afterwards, though as you know this time I started with anxiety rather than panic.
One odd thing is that when I was okay on one med, but a new option that promised less side effects came along, the switch during those non crisis times seems easier, eg from Nortryptilene to Serzone (was a great med, felt nothing till it failed years later), and a second time with Zoloft to Lexapro. In the past lexapro worked really well, no side effects except for "slowing me down" sexually, but they almost all do that (not serzone though). I remember the second time I went thru this mess (this is third time), I had to switch off serzone to zoloft by cross tapering both at the same time, that was not fun, but the zoloft (with Klonopin) did work within about a month at 100 mg of zoloft. I recall being tired, but functional.
Wonder if any new meds are coming down the pike with less side effects or better efficacy/duration? Maybe the future lies in the magnetic or other brain stimulation once they figure it out, or maybe they could come up with a way to prevent relapses (I often wonder if the stresses of the last half year plus predisposed me to a relapse, and my mother's passing during this time makes recovery harder).