Hello, I'm new here, and I sort of just need to let some stuff out. My apologies in advance for this not being very coherent, because a lot of times when I'm in this state, it's really hard for me to get stuff out in words and most of the time I don't even really understand how I feel myself.
So I've never been professionally diagnosed with anything, but I'm pretty sure I have some kind of anxiety... "thing." I have a lot of issues... I worry about everything, am extremely indecisive and unsure about everything, issues with parents, issues with self-confidence, issues with understanding myself and knowing "who I am" and "what I want," etc etc. And most of the time I just sort of get through it, but sometimes it's just ridiculous and I get stuck in patterns of thinking that I can't shake. I've tried counselors a couple of times, but they both ended quickly because I just didn't feel like I clicked with them, and it's been too difficult to try to find someone else, though I'm beginning to think I really need it.
Anyways, today's episode... my boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship, and I get stuck a lot in the thought that he's mad at me, or just a general feeling that something's wrong. When I ask him, he says nothing's wrong, but I still feel like something's wrong. Last night, we slept with video chat on and this morning after he woke up (I woke up first), I asked him if it was okay if we went off video so I could study (lately we've been spending a lot of time working together, him doing his work and me doing mine, just with video on), and he said okay. But he said it really flat and unaffected, and that made me feel like something was wrong, or he was mad at me. I asked him, and he said nothing's wrong, he's just tired (he had just woken up) but I've somehow got it in my mind that him being tired = something bad. I asked him if he would talk to me if something was wrong, and he said yes, and I asked him if he promised nothing was wrong, and he said yes. And then I asked him if he thought it was a good idea that we went off video chat, and he said yeah... I don't really know where I'm going with this, but after we said bye on video, I immediately went to Google to search "worrying that my boyfriend is mad at me." It's a really bad habit I have, to Google things that are bothering me, and getting sucked into worrying about it for hours and hours and not getting any studying done, which is a problem.
I read a few people's posts about how their anxiety has been affecting their relationships, and I have the same issues there too. I think I saw some people referring to it as psychotic girlfriend syndrome, and oh yes, do I have that... A lot of times we get into "things" (I'm not sure what to call them because they aren't really fights, but basically just me being a crazy person) and they always end with me worrying about how my anxiety is driving my boyfriend away, and I get really self-destructive and angry at myself, and I'm not really sure how to describe it, but it's just bad and counterproductive and it's really hard to get myself out of it.
My boyfriend, for the most part, is incredibly patient and understanding, and puts up with so much from me. He says he wants to be there for me and help me work through it, and he understands that a lot of the times we get into "things," it's not really "my fault" but something that I have trouble controlling.
I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here, but I guess the most pressing present issue is, how do I shake the feeling that something wrong when most things point to the fact that there's nothing wrong? Are there concrete things that I can do? That's been one thing I have trouble with, people just telling me to "just stop thinking about it." I need a list of things that I can check off, if you know what I mean. Because I really really need to get some studying done, and I can't afford to waste time worrying about stupid things, but when I get myself into these modes, I just can't get myself out, and I feel like I need to talk about it for hours, and come at it from every angle to figure out what the problem is and what the solution is. Also, some kind words and understand are always appreciated. Thank you...