Tips for spouses that don't understand

[Tam0630]

So many times here, I read about how much trouble spouses and partners have understanding anxiety. They get impatient, want to help but don't know how, and many give up. Not because they don't care, but because they don't understand. When you love someone, and they're hurting, when you can't help them to get better it hurts. It eats at you and you become frustrated, saddened and at a loss about what you can do.

So here are some tips. If anyone has anything to add, please do so!

1. Therapy. If you are seeing a therapist, bring your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend along. Let them see you getting help. Let them hear you talking to someone outside of them about how you fee. Let them listen as your therapist works with you, gives you tips and counsels you on how to improve. Therapists will often offer your partner advice too, on how to help you deal with your anxiety.

2. Support groups. Bring your partner to an anxiety support group for the reasons listed above. If they hear about your struggle and how others like you struggle, it may bring some understanding.

3. Books. Buy books on anxiety, borrow books from the library and ask your partner to read them, or to read them with you so they can be informed. Ask them how they feel about what they've read and how you can incorporate that into your relationship.

4. This is a hard one, but it's very important. Partners often feel when dealing with someone with anxiety, like they are being neglected. Anxiety causes us to be selfish and self absorbed at times, and we forget that there are two people in the relationship. It becomes all about us. Take one day a week and set it aside for your partner. Take them on a date. If you're agoraphobic, ask them to walk with you, even a short ways, to help you get some exposure. If you aren't ready for that, have a game or movie night at home.  Make this night all about them and no matter how you feel, no matter how anxious you are and how hard it is, don't mention your anxiety.

Lastly, love them. Hug them. Thank them for being there and supporting you, even when they don't understand. Acknowledge to them that you understand how hard things have been for them, even though you are the one with anxiety. Be honest about how guilty it makes you feel when they are struggling, when they're impatient with you, but let them know you understand. Understanding is what we ourselves want, right? So, isn't it fair that you understand them too? It is hard for them to see you like this. The person they love above anyone else in the world is suffering. Wouldn't you be hurting too, if it was them?

Be patient. Living with an anxiety sufferer isn't easy, it's painful, frustrating and often excruciating. Your partner doesn't mean to be ignorant, they don't intend to be short with you and/or make you feel bad. They are hurting. But by following some of these guidelines, it can be easier for both of you.

Good luck!

[camel]

Some great advice Tam

Also what I found is that sometimes a spouse or partner can be reluctant to read an entire book, so some choice chapters or a summary of your personal experience can help for them.

Also, gently helping them to push themselves (while assuring them that they can trust you not to push too hard) is a great help

[yoyoyomonica]

Great Advice Tam. U know Terry and I used to read at night together. Maybe we start that up again with a self help book. I will see if he can go to my therapy appointments. he has never done that before. Thank you for posting this.

[ays1128]

Tam -

#4 on your list is completely spot on, and I started crying when I read it. I am the spouse, not the "sufferer", but I do suffer. A lot. It is painful beyond words to see my wife suffer, and I feel completely helpless, useless and like I am the one failing because I can't make her better. I have yelled at her, I have tried to support her, I have done everything physically in my power to help - nothing works. The issue is compounded because she isn't able to interact with our 15-month old daughter either - I am used to being ignored and shut-out, but when the behavior extends to our daughter, then I get really upset.

I am rambling, but thank you for your post.

[msgb98]

I am the one who suffers from anxiety in my marriage.
I guess I have always been and anxious person but physical health issues shortly into my marriage 14 1/2 yrs ago began to trigger it off.
I developed DVT when we had been married less than 10 months. I was very frightened about what was going to happen to me. I knew that there was the possibility of dying. I had a rather large blood clot that has dissolve but for a bit of it that has adhered itself to the inside of part of a vein.
I had to go off blood thinners after being on for 2 1/2 yrs. I had hemorrhaged and lost more blood than one of my sisters who was recovering from stage 4 cancer. She was in isolation after a bone marrow transplant at that time. My sister was given a 10% chance of living and it is now 11 1/2 yrs later.
I was put on zoloft at that time but went off it a few yrs later because I didn't feel like I was myself. I went off cold turkey which I know is not the way you are supposed to do it.
In 2010 my parents were out of the country and my father had what was considered a mild heart attack. He was given the green light to go home but because of the volcano in Iceland at that time they were unable to return for 2 weeks. All their bills and taxes (it was April at the time) I had to do. (there are 7 siblings and we were all trying to do certain things and help them get home).
That same summer I went through 3 kidney stone surgeries in 8 weeks. PAIN!!
Then barely a yr later my sister had a little girl who was born with heart health issues. She was gone all summer and my mother went with her to tend to my sisters other young children. I would drive into where my parents live to help my father during the day. I crashed at the end of the summer. I had a full on (what I call melt down). I took things into my hands and got myself a person to talk to and someone to do acupuncture.
Then a few months later my father had a stroke. Just as he is beginning to recover my mother had the first 14 open heart surgery. Then she had another one less than six months later. Then when she was released for the second time a month later she had a bloody nose that caused her to be in the hospital another two weeks. She had a pacemaker put in as well.
I do not see the person I was seeing that I would talk to anymore. I do not have a job and I also worry about finances.

Now to get to the subject with the spouse.
My spouse is good to a point. I try not to be selfish and just talk about my pain.
No one wants to be around someone who only complains. (I have been told this all my life and I not done this). For each one of my health issues I have been to the brink of pain and then that is when I have done something.

I just yesterday had a temporary crown put on a cracked tooth. I now have to wait to get the permanent one for two weeks.
I am frightened to death that the temp is going to dome off. I am so afraid.

I grind and clench my teeth something awful and well my husband just said that this was my fault and I have to deal with it.
I manifest stress and anxiety in many ways.
I was so high strung yesterday when this was done.

[Tam0630]

Ayss - I'm so sorry that you have been in so much pain from your spouses anxiety. I am on the other side of this and I know the pain I have endured myself, but I am also very aware of the pain it can cause to the people around you. I really feel for you, as having the issue with your wife and daughter probably makes it even more painful. Hugs to you.

Do you think, if you lead your wife to this page/article that she would read it? Maybe some of the things I have mentioned will help her, and in turn help your marriage. Either way, I hope and wish for the best with you and your wife, as well as your daughter. Best of luck to you!

(as an aside, crying is GREAT. Such a great release, and healing!)

Msgb - I am so incredibly sorry to hear about all that you have been through! That is a lot for any one person to handle and I can completely understand how you could suffer from anxiety due to it all.

If either of you need someone to talk to, no matter when or why, please feel free to PM me on the forum. I can listen and offer advice. We all need a friend!

[msgb98]

Thank you Tam for your kind words.

It has been hard. Hopefully things will be better soon.