New to Anxiety, please help!

[natalie]

I feel kind of weird posting on here but I've been living with anxiety for the passed three weeks and I don't know what to do about it. It all started around three weeks ago when I was about to go on a trip to the Caribbean. I was at work when my first panic attack started. I was thinking how I'm going to be on a plane for five hours and how cramped the planes are and I started to freak out. I all of a sudden got a depressed feeling, the sudden need to puke, and the over all "Oh no something is wrong" panic took over my whole body, this has only happened to me once before when i was drinking at my friends house, I'm not a huge drinker but I have had drinks before and it never happened to me, however, i remember that one night we were all drinking when all of a sudden i got a panicky feeling and my friend calmed me down in the bathroom, eventually it went away, however that was two months ago. Anyways, Ive flown many ties before, my whole family usually goes on trips to the Caribbean every winter.  I left for the trip the next day and i was fine for the whole week, however, when coming back I had a major panic attack in the airport. It was terrible, and after that I had two more following the days after. I felt really depressed and anxious all the time, not to mention scared these panic attacks will never go away and that I'm slowly going nuts. I wake up everyday asking myself how do i feel today? and then i always judge my thoughts. My thoughts even started to scare me, i started question my surroundings, like "what is the point to life?" "why am i here?" type thing. I was literally scared of everything, it took me a bit of time to get comfortable in my moms car, I even had a panic attack in the mall. I remember the doctor asking me if I'm "hallucinating" and I asked him what he meant, he said "like u were taken away by aliens or something" and i said no, i didn't think that, however, after he said that i thought to myself "abducted by aliens?" and then i got really freaked out for even thinking that thought. Like I'm nuts for even thinking it in the first place and now whenever i see something on aliens i get really scared. Just a week ago i went on another trip to the Caribbean, this time with my family. I was fine on the plane going there because i took lorazepam, however in the Caribbean i battled the anxious feeling everyday, i started getting bizarre thoughts, my head started pounding as if i had a migraine and i felt nervous and an overwhelming need to cry. And then all of a sudden id get my thoughts together and it would stop, it would also stop when i was with my friends and family, I would feel like my old self again and it felt great until i once again started questioning my feelings, "how am i feeling?." Coming back form the Caribbean I flew first class to help with my anxiety, I freaked out even though i took half of a lorazepam. Not out in the open but by myself in my head, i was literally freaking out thinking to myself, i need to get off this plane, i can't do this, but i just stayed seated and eventually the plane took off, i still feel nervous the whole flight however i made it. It's been two days now since i got back and i still feel funny but I feel more calm now, my body isn't in constant panic mode but i still get bizarre thoughts however, after reading some forums on here (they are very helpful btw lol) i just tell myself, its just a thought you can let it go because it won't hurt you. I don't know if this is self recovery because its almost as if I'm starting to accept these thoughts and be okay with them, or is this me going insane slowly? I did the worst thing possible after my first panic attack and  "googled"  my symptoms and a bunch of stuff popped up like schizophrenia and what not, so now I'm terrified I have that so i constantly question my thoughts. The passed 3 weeks have been pretty much hell for me, couldn't even fully enjoy my vacation. I would really like some insight on whats happening to me, as I'm writing this i feel calm however my head is racing with thoughts and i have a headache. I just want to be my old self again. I do have an appointment with a councillor however, its in two weeks. Hopefully this site can substitute for now.

[orangetea]

I know exactly how you feel, the fear of going crazy is a big one for me too. I have to get on a plane soon  too, and I have this irrational fear that my klonopin won't work. But you should know that the fear of going crazy is a big one for anxiety sufferers, because we get irrational thoughts. The thing is, we're awarethat our thoughts are irrational! If we were crazy we wouldn't think twice about whether or not we were right or wrong.

For whatever reason we develop triggers that set off our natural flight or fight response, and it is simply our bodies trying to protect us from a perceived threat. Even though it feels horrible, if you can reassure yourself that it is merely a defense mechanism and will wear off soon, that can help.

Seeing a therapist for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (where you talk through your fearful thoughts rationally) can help a lot. There is a podcast called Anxiety Slayer that is really good. I'm struggling to overcome it myself too, but these things are very elpful.

One last thing: stop googling symptoms! I know how tempting it is to but you'll only end up more fearful

And never forget that you're not alone in this :) strength to you<3

[Feelinganxiousallthetime]

Hey Natalie,

I am so glad you found a site like this and have already made an appointment with a counselor. Don't ever get discouraged, you are not alone in this and getting help this early is a huge huge step. This site seems to have great people with great insight so don't be bashful about asking questions about anything you experience in your journey.

[natalie]

Thank you so much! I hope you figure out your plane issue. I took a pill to clam me down. Im going to stop googling, after last night I scared myself a lot and now my bizarre thoughts have gotten worse. Like today i was at the dinner table and i all of a sudden thought to myself, "this is all fake" like questioning reality and I started to freak out again. All because i read about paranoid schizophrenia and stuff. I just want these thoughts to go away  I'm too scared to tell my psychologist

[natalie]

Just a sub post,
  I realized that I wake up every morning feeling depressed and sad. I always have that depressed feeling in my stomach. I don't eat properly because I don't want to eat, and I don't feel like leaving my house when I know I should since it helps me with my anxiety. I also get an overwhelming need to cry, and I constantly find myself having conversations with myself in my head like "calm down you're okay, don't think that that's dumb" "how do I feel?" Anyways, this constant talking to myself in my head is bugging me as well now because I keep concentrating on my thoughts. The thing is this happens every morning! Ugh. I feel like I'm struggling with anxiety and depression. The worst part is I can't even tell my family about it because the last time I told my mom about the panic attacks I got yelled at because she got frustrated when I told her I didn't know what was going on with me. So I'm basically fighting this battle on the inside on my own, while putting on an acting role for the rest of my family.

[cutecat25]

Hey Natalie,
I know right now it feels like your going crazy, or there is something terribly wrong, but reading your post you sound exactly like me & almost every other anxiety sufferer.
Anxiety is soo intense, its natural for us to think its something more.
I also go through horrible times where im convinced i have schitzophrenia. I know how horrible it is, but i keep reminding myself of what other people have constantly told me that "crazy people don't know they are going crazy."
Good luck with your councelling session! I hope it goes well. x