worries about my son never leave me, don't know how to handle it any longer.

[Cattia]

I've posted about this issue loads of times. I know nobody has the answers. I just feel so low I need to get it off my chest. I've had ongoing worries about autism since my daughter was born. These worries have transferred away from my daughter and onto my 21 month old son. His language is really advanced so I've shifted my anxiety from classic autism to Aspergers. He's very hyperactive and there are loads of quirky things he does. I've researched this to death. I've seen two doctors with him and neither were worried because of his good language skills.
Basically I didn't know where else to go with this worry. I've tried hypnotherapy, CBT and started meds but came off them. The anxiety will go for a few weeks then something will trigger it and it's back again. My husband is sick of hearing about it and gets annoyed with me. Everyone thinks I'm mad, I just worry that they aren't looking out for signs as closely as me so they're missing all these little things. I want constant reassurance but the anxiety won't go away. I feel . Like a useless parent and the whole cycle is just getting me down. I've been like this on and off for three years now. I want to enjoy my kids and this worry overshadows everything. I know it's totally irrational to even have this great but it's taken me over and I don't know what else to do.

[Slangevar]

Why are you so worried about having a child with Aspergers?  My godson and niece have it and they're both totally fine. They need a bit of extra attention and help at school and home, but it's a totally manageable condition. (And the kids often turn out to be whip smart.) 

[Cattia]

I know, i know it's not the worst thing in the world. I've just worked with aspergers kids (I'm a teacher) and seen how hard some of them find things socially. I worry so much about my kids not being able to make friends and relate to other people and other kids finding them weird and them not understanding why. My cousin was like this at school and I suspect he might have had Aspergers although he was never diagnosed and he had a horrible time at school. He's fine now he's an adult. I just worry so so much about the future.

[hexentanz]

I have 15 month old b/g twins and I have the same thoughts about my son all the time.  Neither are verbal yet, but that's pretty common with twins.  But I keep having to remind myself that Autism is okay.  If it's got to be something, Autism is okay.  I'd rather it be Autism than some other horrible disease.  I know it's hard when you're fixated on that one particular thing.  Maybe it would ease your mind to have him evaluated by your state's early intervention program. 

[Cattia]

That's the thing, his speech is really advanced so honestly if he has autism he's going to be very high functioning. This is totally an obsession that has been taking over my life for ages. I am miles away from any kind of rational thought process about this. I am in the UK, so we need to go through a GP or health visitor. I've seen both and neither were concerned. I will see them again for his routine two year check in a few months so will list my concerns again then. The health visitor even rang the early intervention people but they weren't interested because he's so good with his speech. He's highly verbal.

[Slangevar]

This sounds more like generalized anxiety, but the principle is the same as health anxiety. It's very similar to OCD (and may just be OCD)... our anxiety is an obsessive compulsion. And while I wouldn't worry about having a kid with Aspergers, I'm the last person who should be questioning anyone's fear. (I, who wondered the other day if I might have adult onset cystic fibrosis.)

Regarding your child, the chances are very slim that your son will have Aspergers. If he does, he was born at the right time. It's been recognized as a condition and children with it are given so much more support than they were in the past. My godson and niece are very smart and, while they are a bit hyperactive, they're doing just fine thanks to the extra support at school.

In the meantime, I would encourage you to see if you can get some help for your anxiety. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can be really helpful, as are regular exercise and diet for some people. Keep in mind that if you have anxiety, your son and daughter may wind up with it (it's often hereditary), so it's your responsibility to serve as a good model for them.

Good luck! 

[Cattia]

Thank you Slangevar. In the UK now the only CBT that is available on the NHS in our area is over the phone. I was referred for a course over the summer and I did five sessions but I found it all so weird taking about this stuff over the phone to someone I had never met. I stopped the course. I hope at some point in the future I will be able to afford private CBT. I know really I would be best going on meds again. I just struggle with that decision for a number of reasons many of them actually related to my anxiety. I can go through weeks or occasionally months off enjoying my son and thinking I was crazy to have these worries then out of nowhere it hits me again and I watch his every move full of fear and anxiety. It's a crappy way to live. My daughter is three and she has her little anxieties. I feel like a rubbish mother. Why can't I just accept my son for who he is and not worry about what might or might not be wrong with him.

[Slangevar]

Oh Cattia... you're not a rubbish mother. You just have a condition you're dealing with. Everyone on this forum has it. It's not your fault, and actually, you're quite a good mother in that you recognize that your fears are unfounded and that you need to do something about them.

I'm sorry to hear about the UK policy on CBT. We mostly have to pay for our own therapy in the US, too. Expensive, but worth it if you can find the right person.

I have found some interesting free CBT tools and sites online... maybe it's worth a search, or the purchase of a book?  As long as it's genuine CBT, it should be useful.

Also, I find that regular aerobic exercise (even just 30-45 minutes a day) is a savior for me. It sort of evens out my brain chemistry and helps me see things rationally.

(And don't beat yourself up over your daughter. My mom has OCD and I inherited it, but I don't blame her for a second.)

[anxiousanna]

This just popped into my mind when i was reading your post, especially this bit

" I worry so much about my kids not being able to make friends and relate to other people and other kids finding them weird and them not understanding why. My cousin was like this at school and I suspect he might have had Aspergers although he was never diagnosed and he had a horrible time at school. He's fine now he's an adult. I just worry so so much about the future."

Were you yourself a child like this and now worry that it will be the same for your son as it was for you and your cousin or maybe you were at the other end, popular and sociable, and you find it hard to see it from the opposite point of view and think that your son will suffer from this even though it may not be the case.

I"'m not sure if i'm being logical but i just thought that maybe you need to look into your own childhood and find if there's something there what may be bringing on these fears. I can partly understand you as i have a 3 year old son myself. I am scared that he will turn into a bully and i am struggling because i'm not sure how i should be bringing him up and disciplining him. He's a very strong-willed, energetic and maybe a little mischievous boy but definitely not bad or naughty. But as i was bullied myself for maybe being, not the same, but similar as you described, i am scared of him becoming a bully. Also i have found so many reasons from my childhood and youth for my anxiety and HA, even though my childhood was pretty normal. I still dont know how to help myself and my HA with these realisations but maybe i've come one step further.
Your son may become this personality that you described whether he has Aspergers or not , and maybe it is your job to find how to make the best out of whatever personality he is, we all have our strenghts, and your son sounds quite talented, and you need to focus on his strengths instead of worrying over something that may not be worth worrying. Hope this makes sense, i am not very good at putting my thoughts into words.

[trainwreck]

Cattia- I have twins boys that went off to college this year.  I worried obsessively.  "What if they dont make friends (despite being very outgoing kids), what if they get sick, what if the are lonely"  Everything started with "What if".  Guess what happened when after 6 months they loved college?  "What if the pain in my side is (insert deadly cancer here)."

The trick is to break the "what if" cycle.  But there is no silver bullet, no magic drug.  It's hard.  And sometimes you get very cocky because you know you have beaten it, because you haven't dealt with it in years, it comes back.   

[Cattia]

Thanks for the replies everyone. It really helps to be able to talk to other people who understand. It could be years until I know for sure whether he is totally fine or not and in the meantime I have to try to live with this anxiety and enjoy him for who he is. It's so hard when it seems to overshadow everything, I hate it so much!