Hey Jules. Sounds pretty bad. This is the same time of year that you had this similar thing happen. I know I sound like a broken record, but I am a strong advocate for attending a group (in conjunction with diet, exercise, meds, meditation etc). Any group for a mood disorder. You are on disability, worrying if your career is over and such. Remember, you may be able to return to work part time with SDI. NAMI or DBSA are groups that are in the area that may help. If you have social anxiety, don't accommodate it. Have your husband go with you to a group. Whatever it takes. Someone who was at risk for addiction to benzos would not be worried about it at the level that you indicate. Not all substance dependence leads to catastrophe. Doctors getting their CE's are being indoctrinated with the "benxzos are evil" nonsense. SSRI drug companies need to market their stuff somehow. This can be accomplished by demonizing benzos. If your dose of benzos does not increase, then you are not increasing tolerance. It is very common for anxiety to lead to depression. Treating anxiety is treating depression. You have pulled out of this before. The time of year may be a trigger. The anniversary of your original anxiety attack. That is normal. You will return to work. Your life is not over. Many many people have gone, and are going through what you are right now. Peripheral issues can also intensify things such as real or imagined financial insecurity, relationship issues, and maybe even alcohol dependence/abuse. Your life is marked by many successes, and you are not a failure. You have a lot of potential to improve. No breaks, no down time. Press forward with everything you have. Mornings always feel like crap when depressed and especially anxious. Waking up abnormally early, pacing the house in the middle of the night while everyone is asleep. Watching the terrible sun rise for another lousy day. Others know how you feel. Find them in your community. When you start to improve, share it with others. This may be a springboard into a new chapter of life.