Thinking That I Might Have OCD

[Shadow]

For all my life.. The fear of bugs disgusted me, like bugs did.
Picked on.
Embarrassed.

My Grandmother died..
Hurt.
Pain.
Sadness.
Something more, something worse then the sadness, hurt, and pain..

Thinking that I have OCD.

 I try to hide my habits, at home & school. At School, most of the habits I have is: Completely blanking out, listening to that.. "voice" The Thoughts.. I  have already reached the thoughts, at school they happen  more frequently. I solve these by counting to two, four, six, twelve, or twenty.  Never a odd number. Never.

 The thoughts consist of Sexual, Religious, and Death. They're uncontrollable, and sometimes, in a Day in total I probably count 10-20 times.

 I wash my hands 4-6 times every time I wash them. From this, my hands are raw. I hide this by wearing my sweater or coat at school. Another thing is I always step on the same colored tiles (green). It's not that I WANT to, it's that I feel compelled to do so.

 Repeating. I repeat things over, and over again. I sometimes even ask somebody to re-say things over-and-over again, until what they said equals a even number. I was a normal Advanced Reader 4-5 weeks ago (It started with the rituals/thoughts when my Grandmother died, but it's getting worse.) but now, I can barely read to myself without repeating what I've read mentally or out loud in even numbers.

 Death. Suicidal. Paranoid. I am now paranoid of everything. There's a corner in my house, where I can directly see when I'm trying to go to sleep. I call that corner, "Silent Death," because, it reminds me that I might die mentally, silently, trying to not get help. It reminds me of why I think I have OCD, but I'm not trying to get help.

 I have suicidal thoughts, about 0669 in ways. I have thoughts about death, a loved one dying if I didn't do something correctly/perfectly, or did what my mind was compelling me to do.

 Embarrassed. I'm afraid of being embarrassed, or getting bullied for trying to get help, and not facing this myself. It's that part of my mind, telling me not to, and just to give even and let my mind control me/my life fully.

Symptoms:

-Fear of germs.
-Feeling the urge to try to be perfect.
-Ritual like things.
-Closing things that aren't closed all the way.
-Forgetting something important.
-Intrusive Thoughts.
-Repetitive Behavior.
-Repeating Phrases.
-Feeling if I don't do something right or correctly, someone will die.
-Counting.
-Fear of odd numbers.
-Fear of telling anybody.
-Fear of getting help.
-Fear of what's happening to me.
-Fear of sleeping without a family member.

What is wrong with me? Do I have OCD? Should I get help? How? Should I fight it out, even though I know I won't win?

[T. Jayne]

Hi, yes I'm afraid it certainly does sound like you have OCD. I personally don't think I have it, but my mum does, so I know what it looks like. I also have compulsions, but since they don't effect my life negatively, that's why I don't think it's OCD. It is kind of weird though. You know how you open and close your purse when your bored? I have to do that an even number of times, and I hate when something isn't symmetrical, and I have to fix it. I was in the shower, and I noticed the mat on the floor wasn't parallel to the wall; I actually frowned like I was in pain and a flash of anxiety buzzed in my heart. And that isn't even official OCD, because it isn't negative enough to hinder my life. But if what you feel is so much worse than that (which it certainly sounds like it is) than you should definitely seek help; just see a therapist, someone to talk to. It isn't scary, and it really does help. If you're too nervous to talk to someone, how about writing your thoughts down in a journal, or talking out loud in front of the mirror. Just getting things off of your chest can make you feel like a huge weights been lifted.