For all my life.. The fear of bugs disgusted me, like bugs did.
My Grandmother died..
Something more, something worse then the sadness, hurt, and pain..
Thinking that I have OCD.
I try to hide my habits, at home & school. At School, most of the habits I have is: Completely blanking out, listening to that.. "voice" The Thoughts.. I have already reached the thoughts, at school they happen more frequently. I solve these by counting to two, four, six, twelve, or twenty. Never a odd number. Never.
The thoughts consist of Sexual, Religious, and Death. They're uncontrollable, and sometimes, in a Day in total I probably count 10-20 times.
I wash my hands 4-6 times every time I wash them. From this, my hands are raw. I hide this by wearing my sweater or coat at school. Another thing is I always step on the same colored tiles (green). It's not that I WANT to, it's that I feel compelled to do so.
Repeating. I repeat things over, and over again. I sometimes even ask somebody to re-say things over-and-over again, until what they said equals a even number. I was a normal Advanced Reader 4-5 weeks ago (It started with the rituals/thoughts when my Grandmother died, but it's getting worse.) but now, I can barely read to myself without repeating what I've read mentally or out loud in even numbers.
Death. Suicidal. Paranoid. I am now paranoid of everything. There's a corner in my house, where I can directly see when I'm trying to go to sleep. I call that corner, "Silent Death," because, it reminds me that I might die mentally, silently, trying to not get help. It reminds me of why I think I have OCD, but I'm not trying to get help.
I have suicidal thoughts, about ***** in ways. I have thoughts about death, a loved one dying if I didn't do something correctly/perfectly, or did what my mind was compelling me to do.
Embarrassed. I'm afraid of being embarrassed, or getting bullied for trying to get help, and not facing this myself. It's that part of my mind, telling me not to, and just to give even and let my mind control me/my life fully.
-Fear of germs.
-Feeling the urge to try to be perfect.
-Ritual like things.
-Closing things that aren't closed all the way.
-Forgetting something important.
-Feeling if I don't do something right or correctly, someone will die.
-Fear of odd numbers.
-Fear of telling anybody.
-Fear of getting help.
-Fear of what's happening to me.
-Fear of sleeping without a family member.
What is wrong with me? Do I have OCD? Should I get help? How? Should I fight it out, even though I know I won't win?