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Author Topic: Please help if you can?  (Read 336 times)

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Offline jethbones

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Please help if you can?
« on: February 24, 2013, 07:12:13 AM »
Hello, I'm new to this particular forum as I have previously posted in the GAD category, but I just wondered, hoped really, if anyone could possibly help me please.

I'm a 19 year old girl from the UK and have always been aware that there was something wrong with me, even from the age of about 8. I donít know how to explain what it was that I felt, but it was just there, like a shadow. I remember wanting to cause hurt to myself when I was young, thinking there was always someone watching me, that I wasnít alone. Then I hit the age of 10 and my grandfather tragically passed away, he was much more than a Ďbampyí to me, he was my father figure, I saw him every day of my life. And I can safely say that that is when I can pin point the beginning of my GAD, though it took 6 years for doctors to refer me to specialist.

I was given Citalopram and was sent to a psychologist, who later diagnosed me with depression and body dysmorphia disorder, for which I was then taken off Citalopram and was prescribed Pregabalin. Iíve been on this medication for over a year at contrasting dosages over time and it has taken no effect with me, personally.

I was then given a mix of Pregabalin and Fluoxetine to see how that would go, but I just feel the same.

I cannot really recall a time where I have felt content in the last year, though I did volunteer in South Africa at a primate sanctuary where I lost myself and felt at one with what I love, but sadly had to return home 2 weeks early due to experiencing an incredibly intense attack where I had what I can only describe as hallucinations of which lasted 7 hours, in that 7 hours I almost convinced myself that it would be better to ***** than suffer through another minute of what was happening, thankfully, I didnít.

Though there isnít a day that passes where I donít have suicidal thoughts, Iíve come close to it. I do self harm at times.

All Iím trying to say is that I am sick of being ill, being sent to professional after professional (I am not undermining them since they have been brilliant, merely the system) being told the same thing over and over resulting in simply chucking different medications at me.

Iíve had CBT and EMDR and neither have helped.

Nothing is ever simple, not really, unless you allow it to be, but I canít, because if I could then I wouldnít be feeling this way/wouldnít have felt this way from the age of 8, which is when I can first really remember feeling out of touch.

I find myself continuously having prolonged anhedonia and even when positive events do occur they are rarely not accompanied by what I can only depict as the usual apathy. Itís causing me to become extremely debilitated throughout the day to day basis of each week that has passed since as far back as I am able to recall.

Whatever is happening is creating not only psychological symptoms, but social and physical also, of which I am used to already due to having GAD, if that is actually the correct diagnosis.

Guilt, anxiety, frustration, introverted anger, suicidal idealisation, shame, paranoia regarding eating habits, obsessive compulsive tendencies, extremely violent thoughts, complete lack of concentration, severe irritability, apathy, headaches, sleeping excessively, sexual dysfunction (apologies if thatís a tad too much info) and what seems like a state of constant hyperventilation are symptoms that have been re-occurring over the past year and have become more and more intense.

I am adamant that I have Unipolar, as is my mam, but due to my psychiatrist not sending me a letter as of yet, of which is over due by a month, I have no way of knowing what I am able to do next, since I find that GPís often resort to either chucking more meds at you, lowering your dosage or wait for it, the shockerÖ Increasing your dosage.

I find myself grueling over ending my life at least 4 if not 5 times a day, though the nature of thinking and doing are entirely different, I know that. I wouldnít only be taking my life but Iíd be taking my families also but it just gets so so difficult and nobody seems to understand, which is not their fault in the slightest.

Iím running out of fuel, Iím exhausted and nothing seems to work anymore. Therefore, I wish I was a bear, because at least then you could hibernate for a few months.

Does anyone else suffer with Unipolar or anything similar?
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"Whatever you are, be a good one." - Abraham Lincoln ... "If you're going through hell, keep going." Winston Churchill

Offline tinam7

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Re: Please help if you can?
« Reply #1 on: February 24, 2013, 08:16:52 AM »
Can I help here? Probably not, but I'll try anyway. It's your Kurt Vonnegut quote. His big one is to the effect that we are what we pretend to be (if I'm correct). Pretend to become a scientist and study the brain. Clearly you are highly intelligent and articulate. Our brain is the big mystery, in my view, but study of it is gaining momentum.

The tenets of Buddhism along with CBT, daily exercise, daily meditation, daily reading and learning have paved a way for me. Harming yourself is OUT because you realize you can never do that to the people around you. You can try and develop faith and confidence in yourself, your good brain, and the results may surprise you. Wishing you the very best.
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Offline jethbones

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Re: Please help if you can?
« Reply #2 on: February 25, 2013, 08:12:24 AM »
Firstly, thank you so much for reading let alone replying to my post, it means a lot, and yes, you are correct indeed. http://www.anxietyzone.com/Smileys/default/winking0008.gif

I'll definitely take into consideration all that you have said, thank you again.

All the best!
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"Whatever you are, be a good one." - Abraham Lincoln ... "If you're going through hell, keep going." Winston Churchill

Offline tinam7

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Re: Please help if you can?
« Reply #3 on: February 26, 2013, 11:55:41 AM »
Just want to say the link does not work so not sure what you had in mind. Am hoping something encouraging. I'll assume that.

You also got me thinking. To address your quote, Vonnegut had no illusions about humans while so many of us have these exalted views of who we are. To be sure, there are great creations in the arts and contributions in science. There are also many generous and compassionate organizations and individuals. But we are generally a scourge to some animals. What do we contribute to earth? And that age old question, "Why are we here?"

Well, one reason I see is to help each other. Do hope you are doing better.
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Offline howifeel

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Re: Please help if you can?
« Reply #4 on: February 26, 2013, 12:37:25 PM »
Thank you for your post and your honesty.

 I also have unipolar MDD. Categorically, I am in the number one population percentile of completed acts of taking one's life (male, over 50 etc). I have, at times, felt out of control regarding self harm. The torment is something uniquely difficult. All loved ones can do is watch and try to fluctuate between love/compassion to confrontation. Professionals largely do not suffer from our condition, so they have "studies" and pharmaceutical companies making promises. The final blow, is that no matter how hard we try to manage, it is not good enough. The pain of living, then, becomes greater than all the help available. Then hopelessness sets in, and there is a sense of a free fall. The more into the future I look, the worse life becomes. There is no use for a depressed person, and, in fact, I am taking away from others' lives.

Today, I accept that all of the above is an illness that needs treatment and time. Further, that when treated, my symptoms will improve. As soon as I sense improvement, I try to become available to share that with others like myself. Life circumstances also rock me harder than others. I do not quickly adapt and recover. Rather, I tend to get overwhelmed as a part of my illness. So I have to evaluate, and deal quickly with all that, with every dying breath. I'm impressed that you have such a clear perspective. That is a clear sign that you will recover.

Even though CBT, meditation, therapy, even medication do not seem to help, it is important to keep moving and trying for the long haul. Just as ibuprofen does not kick in immediately, so all of the help may not seem to pay off initially. I don't know if you are like me, but I am slow to believe good news as truth, but grasp on to bad news as absolute truth in the absence of evidence. This is also a symptom of the illness.

If you were raised in a particular religion/faith, pursuing that can help, as well.

Above all, find peers (suffering from a  similar condition) with whom you can relate face to face, if possible, in your community. Google local support groups for mental health, for example. I am just sharing what has worked for me. After many years of suffering, 2012 has been a unique year of improvement, and all the suffering has been worth it. You are stronger than you think. I can see it in your post. The balance of thought.  Don't ever forget, we do recover! Be very very patient. You will eventually use this experience to help others, during and after you improve. Every year  2 million teens attempt to take their own life in the US (and that's not even addressing the ones who consider it!). It's a hard time of life! Fellow sufferers need someone to come forward and share as you have done. Sorry for the long post.
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Offline jethbones

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Re: Please help if you can?
« Reply #5 on: February 28, 2013, 04:41:29 AM »
Thank you so much for taking the time out to reply to me, also, don't feel the need to apologise for the length of your post, please know that you really have given me a new perspective, in sense, so thank you.

I hope you're well, and wish you the very best! x
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"Whatever you are, be a good one." - Abraham Lincoln ... "If you're going through hell, keep going." Winston Churchill

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