Relationship advice please..?

[Bettie]

He's playing games with you or it's a really bad attempt at back tracking. Either way, I can't help but feel that you're flogging a dead horse here with this guy. There are too many issues for you to really know whether he wants you for a visa or not.

Personally, I think you need to find a guy that's going to treat you better and not play mind games.

[AbnormallyAnxious]

Sorry for being stupid, but; what is back tracking and 'flogging a dead horse'? Your vocabulary is very wide, sorry I couldn't understand =\.

Yesterday he was talking to me about how he's scared one day I'll just tell him it's over.. He claimed none of the family even talked to him anymore, besides his mom; said she's all he has left, after the death of his grandma and dad recently.. For some weird reason I just felt bad for him. And at the same time I want to save my self the stress and let it all go.. But I don't know how... I don't know when.. I don't know why.. 

[Bettie]

Sorry, it's an English phrase:) But it basically means wasting your time.

I'm sorry about his problems but do you know if that's really true? From what you have said before you don't speak to his friends or family. And tbh, you're not a charity and have to do what's best for you.

There's no particularly easy or 'right' way to end a relationship so don't stress over tiny detail cos it wont be perfect. But sometimes it just needs to be done. If you don't feel ready to do it then don't. Take a step back from speaking to him for a few days and start to give yourself some breathing space.

[AbnormallyAnxious]

Well, the only communication that happens between me and his family is 'Hey', 'how are you', 'how was your day', etc etc. I never brought him up and that would be weird if I did 'cause then I'd look like I don't trust him or find him suspicious. PLUS they'd probably hide the truth and negative in him..

Yes his dad and grandmas (mom's mom, she lived with them AND dad's mom) did die in January and yes his uncles (dad's brothers) don't talk to him anymore and they're all he has his mother has no brothers or sisters.. They've just become all to their own it's the way this world has become everyone's just looking at their little family circle (husband/wife & kids) and nowhere else. I've seen him being ignored by his dad's brothers many times before when he greeted them or asked them how they were doing. It was horrible and I could feel the shame on his face. And btw he is my cousin so his family is my family... I know you might throw up but I'm someone coming from Algeria and there this stuff is more than normal so please don't puke.. =\

It's not that I don't feel ready to do it, I just feel sorry for him like an idiot. I'm so sensitive and insecure. And if I were to not talk to him for a while my inbox would be full of confusion and hatred and insults and I just want to prevent that from his side...

He has 2 sisters that are both in France and he has 2 brothers; one doesn't live with them and is married and the other is in Spain. So he's basically in a huge house with only his mother..

[Bettie]

Carrying on a relationship with someone because you feel sorry for them is the wrong reason to be in a relationship. You should be with a partner because they make you happy, are supportive etc.

A few years back I went out with someone and it became obvious pretty soon that although he was a nice guy, fundamentally, he was needy. And I actually felt really sorry for him so I continued things for longer than I should have.

At the time I felt that if I dumped I would a) upset him a lot and b) be a target for a lot more texting, messaging etc. So I put it off but it got to the point where (and I feel bad admitting this) I was repulsed by his neediness and basically, by him.

So I stopped the relationship and he did contact me to the point of stalking (luckily your guy can't visit your house at strange hours of the night!). But eventually he stopped and I realised after I dumped him that all he really wanted from me was my attention and when I didn't give it, he got unpleasant. Looking back I got nothing from the relationship, he was the only one that benefited. But I felt SO much better after ending things. If you feel in anyway like I did then I feel bad for you....but you can cut that negativity from your life.

Anyway, the point of what I just related was that don't let your insecurities get in the way. If he is the sort to send you abuse because you don't reply to an email for like a day then he does not sound like a nice person. You won't ever get thanked by him for the kindness and attention you show these sorts of people. They take and then want more and if you don't give it they get nasty. And if someone cared about you they should not be like that.

[AbnormallyAnxious]

How did he benefit? 

You're right when you said a partner should make me happy & be supportive, which he is not. He's just full of anger and disrespect it's disgusting. 

So how long was your relationship? Was he your first? Did you miss him after the break-up?

[Bettie]

Because he got all the attention!

We went out for about 6 months. Might not sound long but it felt like 6 years lol.  He wasn't my first boyfriend and I didn't miss him. I just felt relieved when it was over because I knew the relationship was going nowhere.

[AbnormallyAnxious]

You didn't miss him XD hahaa that's funny. You go girl! I wish I was more carefree like you. & me and my bf have been together for 2 years, so.. I guess it's more complicated in all matters :\

[Bettie]

I wouldn't describe myself as carefree lol....I just had to cut a problem out of my life. Yes, 2 years does mean you have got more history with the guy but I think the principle is still the same. But good luck, and I'm sure you'll make the right decision when you're ready.

[AbnormallyAnxious]

So if you were in my place what would you do/tell him exactly?

[Bettie]

Do you want to PM me about it?

[AbnormallyAnxious]

Do you want to PM me about it?

Umm same thing to me we can talk here or in PM ^^

[Bettie]

No probs...was just thinking we keep hogging the top space on this section:)

If it was me, I would probably say to him that I do not feel the relationship is right for me. You would need to explain why and I would include reasons such as distance, differences in personalities, you don't want to be in a long term relationship right now and then there is the issue with the sister.

I think these all very valid and strong reasons for ending a relationship. Bottom line is, if you feel that something is not going to work out then there is no point carrying on with it. But these are just my opinions about the matter!

[AbnormallyAnxious]

Ooh yea we are always on the top lol xD

-wipes forehead- PHEW  This has been a really crappy and stressful relationship. & I appreciate every bit of your time & help Bettie :) .

It's over now, I didn't have to tell him anything 'cause he screwed himself once again. Except this time I'm not forgiving him. We were talking on 0276 0372 as usual, then he says pick up your phone I'm calling you. I told him I can't do international calls (and this is true), then he's like why not? Come on pick up. He didn't believe me. So it just kept going with me telling him I couldn't, and then eventually I had to go 'cause it was 2PM, my mother was calling me to come have lunch and get my butt moving (I had to clean); 'cause I woke up at like 11AM, so I told him I had to go but I'd be back (planned to come back in an hour max). And when he was telling me to pick up I told him with all generosity, 'why, what' wrong? you can tell me here.' I was curious and worried about him and wanted to know.

HOWEVER, the monster let out the mental retardation in him once again. Once I logged off he continued to call and when there was no response he left me a voice message saying 'You know what I wanted to tell you? I wanted to tell you f-word your mom. That's all. (that wasn't what he wanted to say but he said to show the MAN in him) Thanks for your comprehension. Even a simple call you can't do it.. Thanks.'

So I sent him an e-mail and screwed him like he screwed me. I insulted him but with things that are TRUE such as your behavior is shyt and you're the biggest a-hole I've ever known. I told him I feel sorry for the girl you end  up with but I hope she'll be a DOG like you so you guys can BARK together.

[Bettie]

I'm pleased he has done you a favour and shown you his true colours. Just imagine living with him....he would talk to you like that to your face! Eugh.

Unfortunately I'm 110% sure you will get weedling 'i'm sowwies' emails tomorrow. You must stay strong and ignore these. Otherwise you will go through the same cycle again and he will think it is acceptable to talk to you like that whenever he wants.

I would recommend you block and remove him from any social media stuff you're on and automatically delete his emails without reading them.

But otherwise.....yaay!

[AbnormallyAnxious]

Actually, this time I'm sure he's gone for good.. Because I've never insulted him my whole life. And this time, not just did I insult him; I told him to go f himself.. o.0 He responded the next day to that e-mail. He was shocked and really disappointed; told me I can't believe you said all that after what e told me (like what he said wasn't that big of a deal). He has insulted my mother before in a joking-around kinda way (it's sorta his way of talking) before, and I never left him 'cause of that. So he was confused. And he made me regret what I told him. I felt like a big nasty bully. I expected even worse insults from his side, but he responded in such a sweet way telling me 'wow thanks for everything you said.. you told me good luck with a dog like you.. wow thanks.. there won't be another (girl) because I gave you my heart. & you  broke it.. but i'm not gonna insult you because you're the nicest and most beautiful girl i've ever known. and  know now that you the man you once loved will disappear. I don't even wanna see you on the road. (i nearly cried there) plz erase everything my # all my e-mails EVERYTHING even if you cross upon me somewhere online you don't know me I am no longer your bf or even your cousin (so i guess he's saying we're now enemies..) I am nothing to you now. wow i can't believe you showed it to your mom too, that was a stupid move.. oh well...  God makes things happen for a reason; maybe this separation will do me good. (HA!) but what you said will rest terribly in my memory forever.. i got all that from my cousin that i hoped would be my wife.. i am very disappointed.. and this msg plz dont reply to it read it and delete i am no longer yours forget about me..'

It's been 3 days of no contact; and I can't believe I miss him....

[Bettie]

Sorry, but I can't help but feel that his response is self centered and manipulative. I expect he wants to provoke a reaction and for you to reply with 'I'm sorry, please take me back'!

The nasty bully is him with the rude, uncalled for things he said before. He hasn't even apologized and then has the cheek to call you stupid for showing your mum exactly what he is like.

No doubt when he realizes you are not responding to him in the way that he wants he will contact you again. Stay firm with him and do not respond...after some more time you will miss him a lot less and no doubt will see clearly the truth about this guy.

[AbnormallyAnxious]

Yeah he can say whatever he wants but when I open my mouth I become a criminal. It's so frustrating. Treat others how you want to be treated!

Nah this time I doubt he'll contact me. I'm telling you he's never seen that side of me before. He's really disappointed and he wouldn't take me back now 'cause he's probably having second-thoughts about me; like I'm really a two-faced, terrible person or something. Now we're just going to play another game of who can resist not contacting each other. And I can't help but check my inbox at least 2 times a day. I hate myself. I actually want to cry knowing I've actually lost him for eternity.. and I can't believe I want him back after everything that's happened. I'm so confused. I don't think I'll ever get over him. I'll live as a heart broken girl my whole life. Every song I listen to makes me think of him..

[Bettie]

Well, they do say that first love cuts the deepest! I think it's perfectly normal to feel that way just after a break up so don't beat yourself up about it. But the important thing is to remind yourself of the facts and keep perspective. Eventually you WILL move on and probably quicker than you think.

When one door closes another will open (this post is full of phrases!) and you never know who is going to come into your life next. Just remember that while you were with him you were closing yourself off from other, better possibilities. You're just 19 and you have plenty of time to find someone that is going to treat you with the respect that you deserve. Not a spoilt boy that wants to childishly hurt your feelings.

[AbnormallyAnxious]

I doubt I lost any opportunities while I was with him.

But yeah, I guess I just have to let it go..