Relationship advice please..?

[AbnormallyAnxious]

Okay so I hacked into my bf's e-mail about 5 months ago and I found out that his sister didn't want me to marry him (it was a serious relationship), and she called me ugly, had nothing in my head, wasn't interesting, and that he deserves better than me. I had noticed she didn't want me for her brother because whenever she's around he stays away from me but when I asked him what she thought he lied and said she said I'm very happy you guys are together, she's a great girl you won't find a girl like her, etc etc. So that's one thing that pissed me off and the second conversation that shocked me was when my bf told his sister Sofia (me) is starting to like me that's a good sign hopefully she will be my destiny so me and you (his sister, who lives in France(and my bf lives in our home country and he can't leave because he has no passport, visa, greencard etc etc)) will be able to see eachother a lot more. You know, sis, my friend went to California last weak. Oh yeah.. hopefully it's my turn now. I will get married after I pay back my debt. Anyways, I'm not pressured I'll do everything in it's right time.

So I found out that ONE his sister was against me and he hid that fact and TWO according to the email he only wanted me so I would bring him over here to the United States. You know like after getting married and when he's my husband he'll be able to come over. I don't know if you guys understand what I'm trying to say but if you don't please don't hesitate to tell me what exactly is confusing you.

Anyways, where I need help: I want my bf to know that I know what he thinks I don't know, but without telling him I hacked into his account.

How could I do that?

[lucky]

Perhaps you are jumping to conclusions? I cannot say that for sure without knowing exactly what he said in the exchange, but from your paraphrase it could be taken that he really does care about you and the fact that he will get to go to your country if you were to be married is only a perk.

I can't tell you what to do, but reading someone's personal emails is never a good sign. Is there a reason you didn't trust him to tell you the truth? What information were you looking for in the first place that made you read his emails? You never know what kind of background information is missing from the exchange you are reading.

[AbnormallyAnxious]

To the e-mail where his sister called me ugly,  uninteresting, claimed I had nothing in my head and that he deserved better than him, he replied with something totally different and off-topic.

And it could be a perk or it could be that's the only reason he ever wanted to be with me. He told his sis "she's starting to like me now. that's a good sign. if she's my destiny we will be able to see each other more, sis." (coz he'll be able to go to france) and "my friend went to cali last week... hopefully it's my chance now." Those were the painfullest bullets I ever received....

The reason I hacked into his e-mail was because I wanted to know what was going on underground. I know it's not a good thing to do, but I sorta had a lack of trust towards him because I smelt something fishy. He's always jumping around, with a high sexual drive kissing and touching me every chance he got. I felt like he was using me just to fulfill his desires, pass time, or something else.. And I just wanted to know if he really loved and cared for me. And after what I found, I came to a conclusion that going into his account was the right thing to do  I don't regret it. But it just hurt soo bad... at the age of 18 I was reading ridiculous and heartbreaking things about a man I was with for 2 years and crazy for. My whole world crashed down. And now we're still writing e-mails (he's in Algeria and I'm in Illinois), and I miss him sooooooooooo bad I feel like I could go insane (even after reading what I read). I'm not even sure if he loves me but I am truly, deeply, and madly in love with this man and I am ashamed of myself.... &I feel like the e-mails he writes are worthless, our relationship feels a lot heavier after what I read, and I just feel like it's better to end it. But I want to show him why I want to end it, and I want to share my hurt with him. I don't want to just tell him goodbye out of the blue without showing the reason for the goodbye.

[AbnormallyAnxious]

 

[Bettie]

From your posts I take it you're in a long distance relationship at the moment (he's in Algeria, you're in the US)? I think distance can definitely distort our feelings a bit and emphasize paranoia.

Checking up on someones emails is not a positive sign in a relationship...and what you read can easily be imagined into something a lot worse because you don't have the full picture.

These are just my opinions (I don't know the full picture) but I get the impression your bf cares a lot about his sister and that she might be jealous of you (hence the silly, b*tchy comments). I would take what she says to him with a big pinch of salt. Maybe she's scared he will put you first before her if you got married.

As for marrying you just for a greencard or visa, that's really only something you will know deep down. If you are unsure about him, whatever you do don't rush into a marriage. Maybe have a talk with him and explain your feelings. I wouldn't bring up that you have been looking into his emails as he will feel very hurt. Maybe ask him what his sister genuinely thinks about you etc.

Have you spoken to your family/friends about your feelings? I take it they would know him and maybe even his sister so probably have some thoughts of their own about the situation.

[AbnormallyAnxious]

Yes you are correct I am in the US and he's in Algeria.

I've asked him what his sister thinks about me and him being together and he said she told him she's happy for him, I'm a calm, disciplined, smart, respectful, etc girl and I would be a lot better for him than if he were to marry some other girl.. So as you can see he literally lied off the bat and that really hurt me.

As for talking to him about my feelings; how should I go about that? What should I talk about exactly?

You know.. one day when we were together I told him I'm worried it's not me you want, it's something else.. He said 'what do you mean, something else?' and when I told him papers/greencard/visa etc, he said if that's what I wanted I wouldn't get it from my cousin, I'd go to some other girl. (he's my cousin btw, please don't gag 'cause everyone does whenever I tell them ) He also said he couldn't do such a thing to his cousin, and claimed he wanted me for me... But look what I read with my own eyes, apparently I'm reading the complete opposite of what he tells me. It's driving me nuts.

And the only person that knows about what I've read is my mother, and she's quite unsure as well as to what the situation is deep down in his heart.

[Bettie]

I think it would be worth putting the sister and her issues to one side. Because she lives so far away, I'm guessing that you probably do not see her and rarely speak to her? If so, she's less of a problem as she isn't really in your life, so to speak, every day.

Try not to get too stressed about what she thinks about you. We can't make everyone like us! And it sounds like she is making opinions when she doesn't perhaps know you that well. If it is a big deal for you then next time you're speaking with her bring into the conversation that you get the impression that maybe you two didn't hit it off right to begin with and that you want to rectify that.

Going back to your bf and the visa issue that's a toughie. His comments in his email seem ambiguous to me so I would advise not jumping to conclusions. But, I don't know the full picture and clearly alarm bells are ringing in your head.

If you ask him whether he just wants you for a visa he is of course going to reply with no (as you've found) whether it is true or not. So there is little point asking again. You will have to go with your gut feeling on this one.

Do you know any of his friends or speak to his family regularly? If so, bring him up in conversation to build some background on him.

I noticed you put another post on here which I assume is about another guy? If you're talking with another guy with a view to having a relationship then perhaps this relationship isn't the one for you?

Anyway, they're just my opinions for what they're worth! Don't rush into anything though and I do believe that everything comes out in the wash eventually.

[tinam7]

Tough to resist any longer: from all I've read (in the past as well as now) and thought about, it seems that another development in current culture is major confusion and distortion of lust and love. Lust is as commonplace as sand on the beach. Love is as rare and precious as diamonds in the sand.

With elements of distrust, falsehood, secrecy, questionable motivation, etc. this does not appear to me as the precious diamond you deserve.

[AbnormallyAnxious]

@Bettie His sister lives in France, she's only 2 hours away from Algeria by plane. And yes, I've never spoken to her. Maybe that's why she thinks I've nothing in my head. Idk.. it's just very confusing. 
You said you don't know the full picture, what exactly do you want to know? 'Cause I'm here to answer anything. No, I do not know any of his friends. And I don't speak to his family about him; besides, I know if I do they'll only compliment him. & about the other guy, it's my aunt who already gave him my 0409, and I didn't want to make him feel bad so I just decided to not ignore him and just go with the roll. Figured I had nothing to lose, but with that action I seriously did not intend on begging another relationship. I swear.

@tinam, I seriously have no idea what you just said.. Too many complicated words, could you simplify it a up a little? 

[Bettie]

Try not to stress out about the sister...her comments about you are meaningless because she doesn't even know you.

What tinam is trying to say is that this guy doesn't sound like the one for you. And when you DO find the right person, you won't be thinking any of the negative things you are currently feeling about this guy. You'll know they're the right one then.

It's just my opinion but I agree with tinam. If you stay with this guy you will always have doubt in your mind about him and it's going to eat away at you. At least it would for me. I would take a break from him and after a few weeks your head will be clearer and you will feel much better.

As for the other guy, don't feel you have to talk to him out of politeness just because your aunty gave him your details. He obviously thinks there is something there romantically and it doesn't sound like there is.

In your other post you said he wasn't attractive to you and some people might call me shallow but I do believe that you need to be attracted to a partner physically in some way for a relationship to really work. Of course personality is very important but if you flinch when you look at someone, it's not a great start! If you have no romantic interest in him, then just let him know now.

[tinam7]

Thank you Bettie for explaining myself better than I could, ha ha. In truth, I can be cryptic and am sorry. Was using a metaphor on several levels. Maybe this can help. You deserve true love (a diamond), all that love is meant to be. A key component is trust. Do you trust him to care about your well being, about a true partnership of you and him with no interference from others? I don't see that and so I say he is no diamond but sand, of no real value.

Metaphors can be handy, but also confusing. Hope I did not make it worse. 

[AbnormallyAnxious]

So should I end this relationship?

[Bettie]

You need to do what's going to make you happy. It sounds to me like this guy isn't the one for you and if anything, is making you more stressed out.

You're young and have plenty of time to live your life and meet new people. Eventually you're going to bump into 'the one'!

[AbnormallyAnxious]

Yes he certainly does cause me a lot of stress but you know what they say, relationships aren't easy & perfect; they require sooo much effort and patience and holding on. And when you see 2 people that have been through soo much but are still together, then those 2 are really meant to be. Me and my bf split up like nearly 10 times. Sometimes it's a week (we had many of those), sometimes a month, sometimes 2 months, the last time it was for 4 months. But he always ends up calling me once again, and we just resume everything.

And I know he's not the only fish in the sea but I really want this guy IF it's me that he wants as well. I'm really scared of letting go of the love of my life 'cause of a false alarm. That would hurt terribly and I would be miserable.

And even if I were to let go, how? What do I tell him? I want to show him the e-mails first, but, I don't want him to know I was poking my nose around in his stuff. I planned to lie and tell him somebody (maybe one of his friends; someone who knows his e-mail l ) hacked into his account to see if he really wanted me for real (this person knows me and knew i was in a relationship with my bf ) , and wanted to save me from any danger or further trouble. So after finding those e-mails and knowing we were still together, he e-mailed them to me so I could know what I need to know. How does that sound?

[Bettie]

It’s true no relationship is perfect but this seems like there are a lot of problems. And if you’re having problems now they will in all likelihood continue on in the future. Splitting up ten times or so is just not healthy.

I think everything is made worse by the fact you’re doing it long distance. Those types of relationships are really difficult to maintain (I tried…and failed!) and usually only survive when a couple have a really strong connection and complete trust in one another.

You say you really want this guy but are you sure it isn’t the attention from him you’re after instead? Getting nice emails, calls and texts from a guy feels great but until you have actually spent long periods of time in his company (doing mundane couple stuff), how do you really know he’s the one? And the same applies to him too.

Re your question below…in my opinion I would not make a complicated story about email hacking as he is definitely going to want to question you in depth and it’s easy to make a mistake when talking to him. Instead keep it simple…if it was me I would say that right now I don’t want to be in this relationship because I feel I’m too young. Going into a long term relationship is a big decision and one I don't feel ready form. You could add that you feel trust is an issue due to the distance. But these are just my opinions! You have to do what you feel is right. And at the same time, don’t be afraid to take a big step.

And if you do take that step, don’t weaken in a month’s time and reply to his emails or his calls. Stay firm about it or you’ll just end up back at square one.

[tinam7]

What I am trying to piece together is this thread with another thread buy AA on the same topic, I think.

What I completely fail to get is on what basis there is this "truly, deep, mad" love per Reply No. 2 here. How long did the relationship exist? When were you actually together? I find this interesting because it seems relationships these days develop so differently than when I was young. Am trying to keep up with the times.

[AbnormallyAnxious]

Telling him I don't to be in this relationship because I'm too young is pretty ridiculous. 'Cause then I'll just look like an idiot who doesn't even know what she wants. I was with him at the age of 17 years old. I'm now 19. I wanted him at 17 (and was sure), so you can't imagine how bad I want him now and am even more sure. + I know what his reaction will be to that, and I totally agree if he gets pissed off 'cause I wouldn't be making any sense. He'll tell me that's a complete lie, and that I'm just looking for excuses to leave him.
& about him questioning me about the 'person that hacked him', I'm pretty sure I can deal with that without making any mistakes that will let him know I'm the one who hacked him. I've done similar stuff before with great success.

0213 tinam, the other thread is about a different person actually. The guy I'm talking about now I've known since I was 17.

[Bettie]

Don’t worry about looking like an idiot or whether or not he will get annoyed because this is about doing what’s best for you. Never try and please anyone to the detriment of yourself because that always ends up in tears.

If you’re really sure about him then stay with him….if you genuinely feel it’s not the right time to dump him then don’t.

But keep in mind that you’re just 19 and what you want right now could be very different to when you’re a few years older (ask any 25 year old and I think they’re going to 100% agree!). Don’t rush into anything too soon….go out and enjoy life and try not to stress over this guy too much. I do believe that everyone shows their true colours eventually and if this guy is the one for you, you’ll know it.

[AbnormallyAnxious]

& if I wanted to dump him and show him the e-mails... ?

[Bettie]

Sorry for slow reply....had a bad cold:(

I'm not sure that showing him the emails is the best idea. It's a big violation of his privacy and you will lose any moral high ground that you might have.

It's just my opinion but I think it would be better to approach it as you want to break up with him and you don't see yourself having a long term relationship with him. Which is not lying because this is what it all boils down to.

[AbnormallyAnxious]

Sorry for slow reply....had a bad cold:(

I'm not sure that showing him the emails is the best idea. It's a big violation of his privacy and you will lose any moral high ground that you might have.

It's just my opinion but I think it would be better to approach it as you want to break up with him and you don't see yourself having a long term relationship with him. Which is not lying because this is what it all boils down to.

It's okay, I'm glad you're feeling better. 

What do you mean by 'moral high ground'?

Okay, I don't see myself having a long term relationship with him; but why?

[Bettie]

Thank you:)

When I say moral high ground I mean he cannot accuse you of doing something bad or wrong. I'm sure he would resent you looking at his emails.

If you don't want a long term relationship but are not clear why, perhaps take some time out to write down why. I find that actually writing down problems (and positives!) really helps me clarify things when I am not sure where to go or what to do. But this list is just for your reference.

But from what I can see from what you have written here, there is clearly a trust issue going on (you don't trust him to love you for you are and not because there is a potential visa). And because everything is long distance, this makes it all the more tougher.

Try and have a chat again with your mum about it again. Tell her how you really feel about the situation and see what she says. She'll know you better than anyone and will definitely have your best interests at heart.

[AbnormallyAnxious]

Okay.. now I just want to explode.. 

I talked him on 0372 today and he said; 'Can I request you something?' I'm like 'yeah', and he tells me 'Can you help me get over there to you?'
You know, since I'm a US citizen I can do some paperwork and invite him here...... 

[Bettie]

I think you need to be clear about whether or not you want to be with him before he applies to get a visa. Don't string him along or put you/him in an uncomfortable position where he actually visits and it doesn't work out.

From my experience through work with US visas (for a temporary stay) there is actually not much you can help him with. On the flip side, if he does the visa work himself and gets one, hopefully that should allay your fears with regards to him only wanting to be with you because of a visa. And if he doesn't get one you have to consider those implications too.

[AbnormallyAnxious]

I think you need to be clear about whether or not you want to be with him before he applies to get a visa. Don't string him along or put you/him in an uncomfortable position where he actually visits and it doesn't work out.

From my experience through work with US visas (for a temporary stay) there is actually not much you can help him with. On the flip side, if he does the visa work himself and gets one, hopefully that should allay your fears with regards to him only wanting to be with you because of a visa. And if he doesn't get one you have to consider those implications too.

If I don't help him there's no way he can come here. It's really hard for him without me. And I want to be with him only if it's me that he wants and not my VISA. Even if he wants me 80% and the visa 20%, that's still not acceptable... BUT it's hard to know the damn truth. I keep getting signs that hurt like hell, but I just don't know what to believe.. Yesterday he ruined my day after demanding papers that will allow him to come over here. We're not even married yet. There have been many cases of girls living in France or the US, being with guys living in Algeria and never have they told their women to bring them where they are. They stayed together for years, in a long distant relationship, seeing each other every vacation; patient.. This dude doesn't know where to draw the line. I don't even know what he was thinking. And I don't think I'll ever know.. It's just so confusing.

I told him 'good luck with your life', and logged out. I was really frustrated. Then he e-mailed me telling me 'If I wanted a girl for her visa, I could get that tomorrow. I just tested you to see your reaction.  & My sister lives in France, she looks for girls everyday for me, but I refused..'

Umm, excuse me? We're together and your sister is trying to hook you up???
This pathetic idiot makes me wanna bang my head on the wall.