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Author Topic: Relationship advice please..?  (Read 1344 times)

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Offline tinam7

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Re: Relationship advice please..?
« Reply #15 on: March 04, 2013, 07:48:25 AM »
What I am trying to piece together is this thread with another thread buy AA on the same topic, I think.

What I completely fail to get is on what basis there is this "truly, deep, mad" love per Reply No. 2 here. How long did the relationship exist? When were you actually together? I find this interesting because it seems relationships these days develop so differently than when I was young. Am trying to keep up with the times.
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Offline AbnormallyAnxious

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Re: Relationship advice please..?
« Reply #16 on: March 04, 2013, 05:10:18 PM »
Telling him I don't to be in this relationship because I'm too young is pretty ridiculous. 'Cause then I'll just look like an idiot who doesn't even know what she wants. I was with him at the age of 17 years old. I'm now 19. I wanted him at 17 (and was sure), so you can't imagine how bad I want him now and am even more sure. + I know what his reaction will be to that, and I totally agree if he gets pissed off 'cause I wouldn't be making any sense. He'll tell me that's a complete lie, and that I'm just looking for excuses to leave him.
& about him questioning me about the 'person that hacked him', I'm pretty sure I can deal with that without making any mistakes that will let him know I'm the one who hacked him. I've done similar stuff before with great success.

***** tinam, the other thread is about a different person actually. The guy I'm talking about now I've known since I was 17.
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Offline Bettie

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Re: Relationship advice please..?
« Reply #17 on: March 05, 2013, 03:34:41 AM »
Don’t worry about looking like an idiot or whether or not he will get annoyed because this is about doing what’s best for you. Never try and please anyone to the detriment of yourself because that always ends up in tears.

If you’re really sure about him then stay with him….if you genuinely feel it’s not the right time to dump him then don’t.

But keep in mind that you’re just 19 and what you want right now could be very different to when you’re a few years older (ask any 25 year old and I think they’re going to 100% agree!). Don’t rush into anything too soon….go out and enjoy life and try not to stress over this guy too much. I do believe that everyone shows their true colours eventually and if this guy is the one for you, you’ll know it.
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Offline AbnormallyAnxious

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Re: Relationship advice please..?
« Reply #18 on: March 05, 2013, 01:31:59 PM »
& if I wanted to dump him and show him the e-mails... ?
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Offline Bettie

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Re: Relationship advice please..?
« Reply #19 on: March 08, 2013, 12:23:31 PM »
Sorry for slow reply....had a bad cold:(

I'm not sure that showing him the emails is the best idea. It's a big violation of his privacy and you will lose any moral high ground that you might have.

It's just my opinion but I think it would be better to approach it as you want to break up with him and you don't see yourself having a long term relationship with him. Which is not lying because this is what it all boils down to.
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Offline AbnormallyAnxious

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Re: Relationship advice please..?
« Reply #20 on: March 08, 2013, 03:43:27 PM »
Sorry for slow reply....had a bad cold:(

I'm not sure that showing him the emails is the best idea. It's a big violation of his privacy and you will lose any moral high ground that you might have.

It's just my opinion but I think it would be better to approach it as you want to break up with him and you don't see yourself having a long term relationship with him. Which is not lying because this is what it all boils down to.

It's okay, I'm glad you're feeling better.  :bigsmile:

What do you mean by 'moral high ground'?

Okay, I don't see myself having a long term relationship with him; but why?
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Offline Bettie

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Re: Relationship advice please..?
« Reply #21 on: March 09, 2013, 06:42:43 AM »
Thank you:)

When I say moral high ground I mean he cannot accuse you of doing something bad or wrong. I'm sure he would resent you looking at his emails.

If you don't want a long term relationship but are not clear why, perhaps take some time out to write down why. I find that actually writing down problems (and positives!) really helps me clarify things when I am not sure where to go or what to do. But this list is just for your reference.

But from what I can see from what you have written here, there is clearly a trust issue going on (you don't trust him to love you for you are and not because there is a potential visa). And because everything is long distance, this makes it all the more tougher.

Try and have a chat again with your mum about it again. Tell her how you really feel about the situation and see what she says. She'll know you better than anyone and will definitely have your best interests at heart.
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Offline AbnormallyAnxious

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Re: Relationship advice please..?
« Reply #22 on: March 09, 2013, 05:08:01 PM »
Okay.. now I just want to explode..  :sick0002:

I talked him on 0372 today and he said; 'Can I request you something?' I'm like 'yeah', and he tells me 'Can you help me get over there to you?'
You know, since I'm a US citizen I can do some paperwork and invite him here......  :dazed:
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Offline Bettie

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Re: Relationship advice please..?
« Reply #23 on: March 10, 2013, 06:13:04 AM »
I think you need to be clear about whether or not you want to be with him before he applies to get a visa. Don't string him along or put you/him in an uncomfortable position where he actually visits and it doesn't work out.

From my experience through work with US visas (for a temporary stay) there is actually not much you can help him with. On the flip side, if he does the visa work himself and gets one, hopefully that should allay your fears with regards to him only wanting to be with you because of a visa. And if he doesn't get one you have to consider those implications too.
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Offline AbnormallyAnxious

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Re: Relationship advice please..?
« Reply #24 on: March 10, 2013, 03:14:19 PM »
I think you need to be clear about whether or not you want to be with him before he applies to get a visa. Don't string him along or put you/him in an uncomfortable position where he actually visits and it doesn't work out.

From my experience through work with US visas (for a temporary stay) there is actually not much you can help him with. On the flip side, if he does the visa work himself and gets one, hopefully that should allay your fears with regards to him only wanting to be with you because of a visa. And if he doesn't get one you have to consider those implications too.

If I don't help him there's no way he can come here. It's really hard for him without me. And I want to be with him only if it's me that he wants and not my VISA. Even if he wants me 80% and the visa 20%, that's still not acceptable... BUT it's hard to know the damn truth. I keep getting signs that hurt like hell, but I just don't know what to believe.. Yesterday he ruined my day after demanding papers that will allow him to come over here. We're not even married yet. There have been many cases of girls living in France or the US, being with guys living in Algeria and never have they told their women to bring them where they are. They stayed together for years, in a long distant relationship, seeing each other every vacation; patient.. This dude doesn't know where to draw the line. I don't even know what he was thinking. And I don't think I'll ever know.. It's just so confusing.

I told him 'good luck with your life', and logged out. I was really frustrated. Then he e-mailed me telling me 'If I wanted a girl for her visa, I could get that tomorrow. I just tested you to see your reaction.  & My sister lives in France, she looks for girls everyday for me, but I refused..'

Umm, excuse me? We're together and your sister is trying to hook you up???
This pathetic idiot makes me wanna bang my head on the wall.
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Offline Bettie

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Re: Relationship advice please..?
« Reply #25 on: March 12, 2013, 07:55:03 AM »
He's playing games with you or it's a really bad attempt at back tracking. Either way, I can't help but feel that you're flogging a dead horse here with this guy. There are too many issues for you to really know whether he wants you for a visa or not.

Personally, I think you need to find a guy that's going to treat you better and not play mind games.
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Offline AbnormallyAnxious

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Re: Relationship advice please..?
« Reply #26 on: March 12, 2013, 03:24:33 PM »
Sorry for being stupid, but; what is back tracking and 'flogging a dead horse'? Your vocabulary is very wide, sorry I couldn't understand =\.

Yesterday he was talking to me about how he's scared one day I'll just tell him it's over.. He claimed none of the family even talked to him anymore, besides his mom; said she's all he has left, after the death of his grandma and dad recently.. For some weird reason I just felt bad for him. And at the same time I want to save my self the stress and let it all go.. But I don't know how... I don't know when.. I don't know why..  :(
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Offline Bettie

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Re: Relationship advice please..?
« Reply #27 on: March 12, 2013, 05:15:55 PM »
Sorry, it's an English phrase:) But it basically means wasting your time.

I'm sorry about his problems but do you know if that's really true? From what you have said before you don't speak to his friends or family. And tbh, you're not a charity and have to do what's best for you.

There's no particularly easy or 'right' way to end a relationship so don't stress over tiny detail cos it wont be perfect. But sometimes it just needs to be done. If you don't feel ready to do it then don't. Take a step back from speaking to him for a few days and start to give yourself some breathing space.
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Offline AbnormallyAnxious

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Re: Relationship advice please..?
« Reply #28 on: March 13, 2013, 12:39:37 AM »
Well, the only communication that happens between me and his family is 'Hey', 'how are you', 'how was your day', etc etc. I never brought him up and that would be weird if I did 'cause then I'd look like I don't trust him or find him suspicious. PLUS they'd probably hide the truth and negative in him..

Yes his dad and grandmas (mom's mom, she lived with them AND dad's mom) did die in January and yes his uncles (dad's brothers) don't talk to him anymore and they're all he has his mother has no brothers or sisters.. They've just become all to their own it's the way this world has become everyone's just looking at their little family circle (husband/wife & kids) and nowhere else. I've seen him being ignored by his dad's brothers many times before when he greeted them or asked them how they were doing. It was horrible and I could feel the shame on his face. And btw he is my cousin so his family is my family... I know you might throw up but I'm someone coming from Algeria and there this stuff is more than normal so please don't puke.. =\

It's not that I don't feel ready to do it, I just feel sorry for him like an idiot. I'm so sensitive and insecure. And if I were to not talk to him for a while my inbox would be full of confusion and hatred and insults and I just want to prevent that from his side...

He has 2 sisters that are both in France and he has 2 brothers; one doesn't live with them and is married and the other is in Spain. So he's basically in a huge house with only his mother..
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Offline Bettie

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Re: Relationship advice please..?
« Reply #29 on: March 13, 2013, 07:58:32 AM »
Carrying on a relationship with someone because you feel sorry for them is the wrong reason to be in a relationship. You should be with a partner because they make you happy, are supportive etc.

A few years back I went out with someone and it became obvious pretty soon that although he was a nice guy, fundamentally, he was needy. And I actually felt really sorry for him so I continued things for longer than I should have.

At the time I felt that if I dumped I would a) upset him a lot and b) be a target for a lot more texting, messaging etc. So I put it off but it got to the point where (and I feel bad admitting this) I was repulsed by his neediness and basically, by him.

So I stopped the relationship and he did contact me to the point of stalking (luckily your guy can't visit your house at strange hours of the night!). But eventually he stopped and I realised after I dumped him that all he really wanted from me was my attention and when I didn't give it, he got unpleasant. Looking back I got nothing from the relationship, he was the only one that benefited. But I felt SO much better after ending things. If you feel in anyway like I did then I feel bad for you....but you can cut that negativity from your life.

Anyway, the point of what I just related was that don't let your insecurities get in the way. If he is the sort to send you abuse because you don't reply to an email for like a day then he does not sound like a nice person. You won't ever get thanked by him for the kindness and attention you show these sorts of people. They take and then want more and if you don't give it they get nasty. And if someone cared about you they should not be like that.
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