I posted that earlier message when I wasn't doing so hot, and so it kinda rambled and sounded desperate. Now, after I left the house and took a run, I feel much better, and I may have uncovered the core of my anxiety as it started 2.5 years ago. Hopefully I'm right!
Anyway, I don't know if you can relate or not, but I have three qualities that affect each other negatively:
1. I'm very ambitious. I want to make the most of my time by doing cool things, working hard, and going places. This means I feel like I should be working hard often, and I love the feeling when I accomplish things and move forward. However, I'm not a very smart or efficient worker, and it sometimes it either takes me longer to do things. I also sometimes do things not because I want to or because it will help me, but simply because it feels like I'm moving forward (even though in reality, I'm really just stressing and wasting my time).
However, this spirit has caused me problems for a lot of my life, because even though I like moving forward and working hard, I have two other qualities that makes this hard and stressing.
2. I have TERRIBLE time management skills. Looking back, I played a lot of video games as a kid, and I realize it's probably because they allowed me to relax and not think about time. What this means is that I also have big problems prioritizing my time. I LOVED the games, and I found it hard to pull myself away from them, even though I also had to spend time doing homework, being ambitious, being with friends, being with family, etc. This means I was sometimes HOURS late to my girlfriends house, or to hang out with friends, because I couldn't pry myself away from games. This made me feel guilty and upset. Finally, I'm also bad at decision making because of the above two difficulties.
Over the past two years, I've largely broken my game addiction, and I'm really proud of that fact. It was relaxing because, even though I loved them (and still do occasionally), I now had more time for other things. It was just REALLY hard to control them.
3. I'm happiest with I'm hanging out with people and just chilling.
Between these three natural qualities, I've had trouble making them all work together, and I think that's what's led to my anxiety/panic/depression. In high school, I used to research things for HOURS, trying to figure out if I liked them or not. Even though I had a lot of work, I had time to research (or so I thought), and I had the support of a loving household, parents that could help me at every turn, close friends, etc., so I kept that behavior up for years. However, in doing so, I made myself nervous because I was RATIONALLY thinking if I liked the things or not, rather than using my natural instincts, because I was already in an anxious state. I couldn't tell if I really liked them or not because I over-thought about them. I always wanted to find my "passion" this way, yet now I understand that passions come to you without your logical thought. Like love, they just happen and make sense. I have trouble doing this because I'm so used to my other, counterproductive behavior.
During my freshman year of college, I didn't have this problem because, though I worked really hard, I didn't care about not seeing my friends much. I just figured it was the sacrifice I had to make. However, the next year, it started to bother me how my friends (and, seemingly, everyone else around me) had much more time to relax, while I was working my butt off and didn't have any time to see them or to relax. I also felt more of a time crunch, because I knew college/youth doesn't last forever, and I want to make the most of it. But how to do so?
Now, I figure I've had this intense, unrelenting anxiety/depression for the past 2.5 years because I want to work hard, while also spending time with my friends, while also exploring new interests, while also practicing skills (guitar), while also wanting to game, while also making sure I do the "right things for the future," while also staying fit, etc. The second-to-last point makes me the most anxious, because I never know if what I'm doing is what I should be doing to ensure that I have a good future (a lot of "what-ifs" there). I never know if, at any current moment, I'm using my time "well" or if I could be using it better. That distresses me a lot.
It seems like my friends can do this effortlessly, and they don't get anxious about it, and I envy that. I figure if I get a time management coach, I can work with them to talk about time, prioritization, and how to personally best manage my time, and it'll hopefully get rid of my anxiety and what-ifs cause I know I'l be doing all I can to ensure a positive future.
I know it's a little long, but thanks for listening. It helps a lot :)
Does anyone feel the same way? I'd love to hear your story too!