Spend all my time brain tumor obsessing

[mollyfin]

My symptoms keep getting worse, and as they do, I become more convinced about having a brain tumor.

I thought at first that it was migraines caused by medication (wellbutrin) side effects - dizziness, photophobia, vision disturbances (snow, trails, afterimages), left-sided weakness and numbness, headaches - but I've been off the medication for two weeks and continue to feel worse rather than better.

I saw my doctor about a month ago, and he agreed that there was some weakness in my left hand, he guessed it was side effects, and he referred me to a neurologist, whom I saw a couple of weeks ago. I "failed" some of the tests, but he too said he thought a lot of my problems could be medication-related, and basically to wait it out.

Well, I continue to feel worse. The headaches come and go as usual, the visual problems are more or less the same (maybe a little less light sensitive; the palinopsia maybe a little worse but it's hard to tell), and the weakness, numbness and stiffness is getting significantly worse. I can't use my left hand very well. I "miss" things if I try to touch them or point at them. My fingers don't move smoothly or in coordination with each other. Repetitive movement requires intense concentration. Compared to my right side, the movements are slow and jerky, not at all fluid. My fingertips are numb a lot of the time, as are parts of my hand at times. Two days ago I started having upper arm and shoulder pain on that side, and the next day my whole arm was weak and tingling. I know that focusing on things will make them worse, but when I AM able to put things out of my mind and forget that I have stuff happening, I try to use my left hand, it "freezes" or misses its target, and there it is again. The fact that it happens when I'm not obsessing about it also makes me think that it's something actually wrong. My hand at rest also seems to want to be in a fist all the time.

My leg still feels weird and off as well, but I don't think that's getting worse, just staying the same. I've also started getting severe hip pain on that side (used to have it on the right side, can't say I like it any better this way!) and the only thing that helps is "cracking" the joint, and that's a very temporary relief. I guess I'm walking oddly. I also get burning patches of feeling on my lip on the left side, and my tongue burns. The facial numbness I felt before is mostly not present now.  It's been replaced by feelings of pressure behind the eye that waters constantly. 

My brain also feels shot. I can't type correctly; either I miss keys or I type the wrong word half the time. My speech feels slurred a lot of the time, and again, I have trouble finding words. My memory is complete crap; I can't remember anything short-term or long-term.

Parts of my head hurt like crazy when touched, and my eye and nose run a LOT on the left side.

I smell things that aren't there - this seems to have lessened lately (or maybe I wasn't smelling phantom things, and my neighbors just stopped smoking pot that I was actually smelling...)

The fact that it's getting worse makes it seem impossible that it's not a brain tumor. I don't see how stress can do all this, and on just one side of my body. I don't know what the heck to do. I called my pysch doc and asked how long withdrawal symptoms lasted, since that's what my regular doctor initially thought my problems were, and she said to see if they were gone by our next appointment (five days from now). I don't know what else to do. Go back to my regular doctor? Or just try to ignore it?

It seems impossible that this is just anxiety, but then I've said that about so many things in the past, and they never turned out to be anything too serious if anything at all.

I'm 29 years old, I'm getting engaged in a week (assuming she says yes!), and I should feel great. Instead I'm just constantly panicking over this, crying, distracted, miserable. I feel like I need a brain MRI. But I'm scared to get one because I feel like if I have a brain tumor I just don't want to know. Brain cancer is pretty much incurable in adults. I don't want to know when my death is coming. (But at the same time, if I only have a few months left I don't want to waste them trying to find a job, playing Farmville and spending time with people I don't like.) 

[sixpack]

I am so sorry you've gotten yourself so worked up like this.  I am....

but what we folks do around here is obsess over and over and over and over for months and years AND then say I wasn't thinking about X for an hour or a day and it still happens, so it can't be anxiety...  it is a time old tale around here.


honestly and truthfully  HOW do you expect your body and mind to feel when you are continually caught up in this line of thinking?     AND as I recall it was only a month or so ago that you were worrying frettfully that you were pregnant with really no chance of being so. 

Remember my eye problem caused by stress?  Hey I know what caused it AND even without me thinking about it or paying it much attention, it is still just as bad as it was almost 3wks ago.  THIS may take as much as 2 months to clear, without my stressing about it, before it will be able to clear.....    What makes you think your few moments of calm or a day of distraction is going to fix all of your neuro issues?  A body needs TIME to recover and so far, you have not begun to allow that to happen.

[Maisie77]

Six pack always has sound advice!!

Remember the statistics. Something like 6 out of 100,000 people get brain cancer. Those are good odds against you having it.  If you are struggling this intensely and failing neuo tests, I would definily do a follow up ASAP with your general practitioner. Figure out if there is something to be concerned about and then lay it to rest. Truly sorry you are in such turmoil- we all know that pain on here. Keep posting and venting to get through.

[sixpack]

AND

do you think the neuro you saw has never seen a person with a brain tumor?  do you think if the doctor had one whiff of an idea that you had brain tumor symptoms that the doc would say it is was medication related?  I'm not saying it IS med related or not.  Me, I think you are an anxietal mess    that cycles from one disease fear to the next and this is just a new fear.    Have you ever heard of conversion disorder?  it DOES cause all kinds of exteme physical reactions.  I had a friend whose left side became completely useless following a miscarriage.  Her neuro actually BELIEVED it was MS.   She had all the tests and all.  It wasn't.  You know what it was?  She got in her head that she didn't miscarry. She got in her head that the D&C was in actuality an abortion......   Yeah. her mind did that to her.

did you know that anxiety can cause blindness, psychogenic seizures, paralaysis etc, etc.   Why do you think it couldn't do what it is doing to you?

Of course you can go back to the neuro and demand med testing, it is your body and your prerogative......   but all I ask of you to do is take a look at your HA history and how sure you had x, y & z and how it was "different" this time and then in the end, it was your anxiety lying to you. 

[mollyfin]

That's a good point...my doctors would probably recognize signs of a brain tumor when they see them.  I have a hard time believing doctors because my dad had both throat and lung cancer, was very high risk for both, and doctors kept saying the throat tumor was an infection, the lung x-ray showed pneumonia, etc...it took a long time to diagnose what I "knew" was throat cancer for months.  I think that's the problem.  I was right once.  Well, obviously not my only problem, but I was better at believing doctors before.

Also, my memory is shot to hell.  Does stress do that?  I'm having trouble remembering basic bits of information that I normally would be able to recall without thinking about them.  Every conversation I've had that involves the phrase "Do you remember..?" has me drawing a blank, a few days ago it took me about a minute to remember the name "Edward Cullen"  (Granted, of all the pop culture references I'd be glad to forget, Twilight is high on the list, but still!) and have a ton of trouble with stupid little things like that as well as actual things I should remember.  I don't feel like myself at all.  I miss having an arm that works and a brain that works.  I KNOW all the things you're telling me are true and are most likely what's going on with me.  But somehow I can't make myself believe it. 

ALSO THIS FRIGGIN' TWITCHING IN MY HANDS AND FEET IS DRIVING ME INSANE.   

[mike_91]

Not all brain tumors are cancerous.

But I agree that it could be a side effect or anxiety. Anxiety will only make your symptoms worse. If your symptoms don't improve, then go back to your doctor and request more check ups just to be sure.

[Vigilante]

Molly I think you and me should bang our heads together....

My memory also seems shot to hell, only for things to come back to me after like what you said about Edward Cullen. I dont feel like "myself" either infact im pretty sure everytime im talking im either messing things up or forgetting what im actually saying or talk about things in a round about way...

headaches - been there dont it and got the fking shop full of shirts to prove it over the past 4 months - barely had one in the past week however, but what I do happen to have is burning hands and feet and skin that is sensitive to the touch all over?!

im not far off calling for an appointment for an mri scan....even though Im told by like 12 drs and 2 hospital specialisnts (albiet in in ENT and Opthamology) I dont have a Brain Tumor. Its almost 150% real to me...

[Cuchculan]

Not all brain tumors are cancerous.

But I agree that it could be a side effect or anxiety. Anxiety will only make your symptoms worse. If your symptoms don't improve, then go back to your doctor and request more check ups just to be sure.

These people can have all the check ups they want. Accepting the results is another thing. One thing for a doctor to tell them there is nothing wrong with them. But in their mind there is. So they refuse to accept what the doctors are saying to them. It is that aspect of things they need to work on. Acceptance. I think by now they would know if anything was seriously wrong. But they just can't accept that. And on it goes. Around and around. It will continue to do so until they learn to accept what is been told to them by those experts. Tests is not always the way forward. Maybe some theraphy to learn how to accept the results of all the tests that they have had over the years.

[mollyfin]

I have a tremor in my left little finger, which is annoying the hell out of me today.  Also stress?   

Vigilante, I'm having the burning in hands and feet too...mostly hands, especially left hand.  Hopefully for both of us, it's just mental. 

I guess I'll wait and see what my psychiatrist says...I have an appointment with her on wednesday. 

[Vigilante]

Hopefully,

What gets me the most is I do not actually have panic attacks, I dont get heart stuff, chest pain, breathing problems and the rest and never have, 10 years ago I thought I had nvCJD as a result of having the visual disturbances (now know its Keratoconus) but during that I had non stop twitching muscles and even jerking in my sleep, along with various other things but it was all anxiety. But anxiety and worry are not even the word for me right now, every single day last week I either talked to my gp on the phone, went to see him and even went to A+E one time. All to get told the same thing over and over, its going to start again 2moro, if these symptoms/sensations are still here.

I dont think there is any other way im going to believe or trust the gps now other then get an mri or at least see a neurologist.

[sixpack]

What gets me the most is I do not actually have panic attacks, I dont get heart stuff, chest pain, breathing problems and the rest and never have, 

yeah me either.  it doesn't mean what you are experiencing isn't anxiety.  anxiety manifests itself in many ways.  that is the only reason why it is so effective.  if it was the same all the time and for everybody, it would be easy to discount.

I dont think there is any other way im going to believe or trust the gps now other then get an mri or at least see a neurologist. 

nope I doubt that will fix what ails you.  you'll either doubt the neuro or med test OR you'll just take your anxiety onto a new fear.  Yep that is the way it works.

chasing around med tests and all that is like hiring a plumber to fix an electrical problem.

[mollyfin]

My symptoms keep getting worse but I'm trying to remind myself of my last health scare and how I felt as 100% sure of things as I do now.  Granted, that was a biological impossibility, and I COULD technically have a brain tumor.  But I'm trying to regain my senses.

At MOST realistically I think I might have carpal or cubital tunnel syndrome.  I had a wrist injury last year that never seemed to fully heal, and the time I spend typing exerts a lot of pressure on my left elbow and arm.  Possibly a pinched nerve in my lower back as well, since I started having hip pain around the time I started "walking funny" and my leg started feeling weird.  It seems weird that they would come on at the same time, but it's probably statistically more likely that a brain tumor.

[mollyfin]

Today I started having trouble opening bottles and such with my left hand.  This is really freaking me out.

[hsaadh]

Can't you get a private MRI?
I honestly feel 110% better since mine. The symptoms are still there and my doc refered me to an ENT due to the mucus they found.
In the back of my mind my HA still says: head and neck cancer (since brain tumor was ruled out lol) but I've learned to ignore it: no cancer is worst than BT is what I use to rationalise.

I think your symptoms warrant an MRI tbh.

[sixpack]

Can't you get a private MRI?
I honestly feel 110% better since mine. The symptoms are still there and my doc refered me to an ENT due to the mucus they found.
In the back of my mind my HA still says: head and neck cancer (since brain tumor was ruled out lol) but I've learned to ignore it: no cancer is worst than BT is what I use to rationalise.

I think your symptoms warrant an MRI tbh.

in the US it is all private.

I know you feel good presently and I hope it keeps for you.  however getting med testing on hypoes doesn't give lasting peace, in almost ALL cases.

MOLLY:

As I recall, you've only been having these type symptoms since early January or maybe Mid December?  Only massively fast growing tumors would have progressed this quickly, Molly.  AND when they are that fast they lay you out fast.  Was it you that I told about what my sister's neurosurgeon told us about her tumor and how tumors behave in general?  I wrote a post to someone about that recently.

[mollyfin]

I started having left-sided weakness in general a few months ago, but it went from intermittent to constant a little over a month ago, yes. 

It's possible it was to me...I don't remember reading it but my memory is so completely shot lately who the heck knows...I'll check back through posts and see.