Don't know what to do any more

[sassparella]

I'm just about at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do any more I can't keep going like this. My therapy isn't working, my meds aren't working and terrify me to take them anyway. I'm scared all the time, I keep getting new symptoms every day, I'm terrified there is something wrong with me and the doctors have missed something fatal. I can't just get past it all. I still keep sweating every single night, it isn't normal it can't just be hormonal. What is wrong with me? I'm terrified all the time, every minute of every day, this isn't living this is hell. I just want it all to stop so I can get on with my life. But I'm 48 I'm at an age where I'm much more likely to get something bad and the end of my life is getting closer and I'm just to afraid to enjoy what I have left.

Sorry for the rant but I'm really struggling at the moment, I don't know what to do any more.

[vardnas]

Is there anything you do that you can identify as being actively counterproductive to your recovery? Are you a chronic googler? Do you run to the doctors a lot? Do you rely solely on the reassurance of others to help you feel better? Oftentimes, even though we do the "right" things like therapy and meds, we can still sabotage ourselves by continuing in our counterproductive behaviors.

This is a thread that may be relevant to you:  http://www.anxietyzone.com/index.php/topic,65697.0.html

Remember, getting over an anxiety disorder can take a long time, and sometimes it can feel as if no progress is being made. Yes, you could do all of the right things for months and still only feel incrementally better, but again, it takes TIME for the body to heal and for us to start feeling better. Right now, honestly, there probably isn't much you can "do" to immediately improve your situation (short of cutting out any of the above mentioned counterproductive habits). Sometimes the hardest part of recovery is feeling crappy and just having to be okay with that. It WILL pass, I can promise you that.

[tmgmom]

I am so sorry you are going through this.  You have to get your body to calm down.  You also need to break this cycle. Have you tried taking something at night to help you relax/sleep (tea, Tylenol pm).  Sometimes I find if I can break the cycle for a couple days I can get back on track.  Just be careful, you don't want to become dependent on sleep aids.

I have experienced night sweats too which I now know were HA.

I also was dx w/ a hemangioma recently and am currently struggling if that is indeed what I have or is it something more serious. I know the uncertainty is scary.  I am living that right now.

Hang in there!

[LindaRK]

You know - something you might want to try is ACCEPTING that this is entirely hormonal.

I've had night sweats, too.  I've had day sweats. I've been on HRT for about 6 years (estrogen only) because they were so bad.  I tried going on twice before because I just didn't want to be on this stuff (even though it's safe).  Didn't work - after titrating it back, I started having REALLY BAD night sweats.  It was horrible.

Well, guess what?  I've been titrating back again for over a month - I'm hardly using it at all now and my body isn't reacting poorly.  In fact, I've not had night sweats at all - maybe a little warm in the morning, but that's probably because of all the covers I have on the bed. LOL!  I figure in another month I'll be completely off of it.  It just took time for my body to stabilize hormonally during menopause.  I'm 55 years old - been going through this for several years.  So, basically, I'm saying - go with this.  Try and accept that maybe, yes, it is entirely hormonal.  Have you had any TSH testing done?  Maybe try estrogen (patch or gel).  See if that helps with the sweating. 

[sassparella]

Yes I had my thyroid tested it was normal they tested TSH and T3 and T4 hormones all were normal so it's not my thyroid.

[LindaRK]

Sorry, I meant to say FSH - hormones. 

[sassparella]

I think so he did some hormone blood tests including oestrogen all came back normal.

[sassparella]

I've also just found two enlarged lymph nodes in my neck terrified of lymphoma again now.

[vardnas]

Are you actually comprehending anything we're saying to you? Seriously. You're not ill. You have worked yourself up into such a tizzy that you don't know which end is up. Self checking and constantly running to THIS web board with every little concern you have is NOT HELPING. Please, take a time out with yourself. For your own sanity.

[sassparella]

Yes, I'm sorry, I'm in a bit of a state at the moment. I wasn't self checking when I found the lymph nodes I scratched my neck and just felt them accidentally and freaked out (well freaked out more). I do try and take everything on board that people are saying I really do, but it's difficult when you are getting such real symptoms that the doctor hasn't been able to adequately explain and you know can be caused by cancer. I'm sorry that it seems like I don't listen to everyone, I read every post and try and take on what people are saying and I know that I could handle this better if I were in the right frame of mind but I'm just mentally exhausted I think from all the worrying and lack of sleep from the constant waking up sweating.

I don't go out much during the day especially at the moment in the hot Australian summer and don't really have any friends I can go out and spend time with and I don't have a job, I gave up work when the kids were born and now have no job experience to put on my resume and am at an age where it's much harder to find work. I think a lot of my problem is that I have too much time on my hands every day and this gives me a lot of time to think about my symptoms and what they could mean.

Thank you everyone for all the helpful comments you have given me and please don't think that I just ignore them, it's just that I find that when I'm in melt down mode it's very difficult to follow logical advice.

[Hohum]

Sassparella, you have given a lot of very good advice to a lot of people on these boards. What is stopping you applying that advice to your own situation? What makes you read someone else's (perhaps very similar) story and think "Oh well that's anxiety, you're fine" but for yourself it's only doom and gloom?

From your posts it sounds as though you're unhappy or dissatisfied with a few areas of your life right now. You're absolutely right that too much time can cause this condition to get a whole lot worse. Thinking positively however, you also have a lot of time to plan and act on your recovery.

I firmly believe that big changes come from a lot of small steps. I know that whenever I've been in a place where I find myself very unhappy with where life is headed, it's only by setting small and achievable goals that I turn things around.

Start with a 3-column list. Write down everything that you love about yourself and your life, everything that you don't, and what things you want to change. Pick the most important thing for you on your "want to change" list and start to think about how you might go about it. Maybe you would like to be busier during the day? Even if finding work is a problem, there must be somewhere in your community where you could volunteer for a day or two each week? Or perhaps some social gathering you would enjoy? Little by little keep working on your list, and I think you would be amazed of the results.

I don't mean to be presumptuous of your life as I don't know you personally of course, just speaking from my own experiences and what's worked for me. I know that when I've been in the darkest times with my HA, it's typically been in a spot where life has not been good for me either. Dealing with the problems in my life just made my HA fears sort of disappear for the most part. Puts everything back into perspective.

[sassparella]

Thanks for your reply hohum. It's much easier to give advice to others and see other peoples problems logically for some reason, probably because the element of fear isn't there. I find it impossible to apply it to myself.

I did think of volunteering for something but my problem is I'm terrified of going on public transport and there's nothing within walking distance. This is something I really need to change but I'm finding it really hard. I can go on public transport with other people but not on my own it's like a phobia and I have no one else I can go with. It's very limiting and I need to get over it if I'm going to improve but it's proving a difficult one to tackle. Maybe this should be my first step, trying to overcome this fear. I also suffer from social anxiety (yes I truly am a mess) so volunteering is also very difficult for that reason too.

I really need to address some of these fears but it's very difficult when you're an anxious mess. Thank you all again for your replies.

[angielee]

Just my opinion but a part time job or volunteering sounds like a great idea. People are not meant to sit In a house 24/7. You need a outlet something to do. Otherwise sure you will start to go crazy! I know I have been out of work for 4 months now sitting at home all the time an day anxiety has came back.  I know when I finally find a job ill be fine. I know this because this happens to me when I have way too much time on my hands. As does a lot of people that are sitting In
a house for way too much time.

[helplessdancer]

I second the idea of volunteering. I can't find a job right now either, but I volunteer at a charity shop and I think I would have gone insane over my school break if I didn't have that. Usually in the shop I'm so busy I don't have time to think about anxiety problems. Also volunteering could give you some job skills/it looks good to potential employers that you've done volunteer work. You could ask your local church (if you're religious?) maybe for some volunteering ideas if you don't know where to start.

[sassparella]

I second the idea of volunteering. I can't find a job right now either, but I volunteer at a charity shop and I think I would have gone insane over my school break if I didn't have that. Usually in the shop I'm so busy I don't have time to think about anxiety problems. Also volunteering could give you some job skills/it looks good to potential employers that you've done volunteer work. You could ask your local church (if you're religious?) maybe for some volunteering ideas if you don't know where to start.

thanks for the reply. I'm not religious and don't go to church. Unfortunately I live in a suburb with nothing much more than a shopping centre in it. I've looked around for places to volunteer but there's nothing local. I don't really know where else to look. I'm sure other suburbs would have places in but I have a terrible fear of public transport so am not sure how to get there, unless I can overcome my fear which I have tried to do numerous times and have yet to succeed. I have Health Anxiety, Social Anxiety and fear of public transport. I only really go out in the car with my husband driving or for local walks or to the local shopping centre. It makes life very difficult and I wish I wasn't like this, but I freak out any time I'm on public transport alone. I'm a lost cause I think

[helplessdancer]

Hmm, don't give up yet! I'm sure there are plenty of places that need volunteers. I come from a very small town, but have done a lot of different volunteer projects. You could maybe try a nursing home, although I'm not sure that would be best if you have social anxiety because sometimes it can be hard/unnerving to talk to elderly patients with health problems. On the opposite end of the scale, working with children could be another option. Maybe a day care or something? You could try an animal shelter perhaps, the list goes on and on. The point is that there are lots of organisations that are always looking for volunteers, so don't give up yet just because nothing immediately comes to mind. :)

[Hohum]

You're certainly NOT a lost cause.

It sounds as though mobility is an issue for you in your community, and the fear of public transport is adding to it. Do you mind if I ask, what drives that fear? Is it a cleanliness thing? Personal safety issue? Worried about driver error or technical problems?

Perhaps even starting with your fear of transport would be a good place to start. If you could overcome it, you'd certainly gain a lot more freedom and start the snowball effect of being able to get out and do more things.

If you could identify what it is you fear so much about public transport and work on a mechanism to help cope, you could maybe start small. Even just taking the bus one or two stops then walking back. Next, plan a day going somewhere in your neighbourhood which you really love but take public transport to get there (rewarding yourself, etc). Maybe you've tried all of these things, but persistence is key in my experience!

[sassparella]

I'm not sure exactly what causes my fear. Partly it's social anxiety - the other people on the public transport, partly fear of missing my stop if I don't know the place I'm going to, fear of getting lost. It's pretty bad. I'm going to have to brave public transport soon as I need to have some more tests done and my husband is refusing to take me anywhere now he says I have to get used to travelling by myself so that is freaking me out a bit. I wish I could get over this fear, but I just freak out when on buses or trains and yes it's very limiting in what I can do. I have tried going short distances but it hasn't helped my fear any. I just have to keep at it I guess.