Intrusive Thoughts ruining my life:'(

[angelcake666]

hello i am so glad i found this website!! i am a 14 year old girl and ive always suffered with ocd and anxiety attacks. ive always been scared that i  will lose control and do something stupid (e.g i was scared that i would randomly stand up and scream at my teacher at school or when in school assembly i was scared i would randomly stand up and say something really odd) and they cause anxiety for me since i question whether i would act of them (i never have but the what if's are so distressing) and then about a year ago i started to think i was a physcopath. i thought 'what if i dont feel guilt?' and 'what if i dont have a conscience?' and i began to question myself and i became very distressed and guilty and also quite depressed by these thoughts. but one day I remember hearing something disturbing about perverts on the news, and i could picture the scene in my head and it disgusted me, it was a disturbing image but somehow i couldnt get it to leave my head. i would always shake my arms trying to somehow shake the thought away but it lingered. the image wouldnt leave my head and it came back for weeks and weeks, so i began to think 'am i a pedo or something?' and i freaked myself out completely because i would never hurt anyone, especially not a child!! and the thoughts began to take over my life, i began to feel uncomfortable around children because of the extreme guilt about these thoughts. even now im ashamed of them and i wouldnt be surprised if you all think im sick and disgusting because i think that of myself. but then it got so much worse, i started to ask myself 'what if you enjoy these thoughts? what if you wanted to think these thoughts?' and i completely freaked myself out again. terrified that i was some kind of perverted murderer. then my OCD really kicked in and i would be convinced that if i touched this or if i touched that then it meant i was touching something awful (e.g someones private parts) so i would randomly fling my books and pens out of my hand in disgust because i was convinced that if i touched that then it meant i was touching someone inappropriately. earlier on my OCD convinced me that my keyboard was something awful and if i touched it then it represented someones (whatever body part) and i am even now really nervous about touching my keyboard. and sometimes (oh god i really hate myself because this sounds so awful) i get physical feelings around my  private areas and i freak out even more, yelling at myself in my head saying 'you are turned on by these thoughts!! you sick person!!' (i really am not and i dont want to be. i feel like i cant control this) and even though i know id never do anything sexual to another person, child, animal, i feel guilty for these thoughts. sorry its so long im just so nervous and im really angry right now because i always feel ashamed and guilty about these thoughts, and i just want them to go away, and the physcial feelings please say thats my mind playing tricks on me? just like you can imagine having a toothache if you get anxious enough about it is this the same? someone please help me i want to feel like im a normal nice person i dont want to ever hurt anyone and i  want these thoughts to go away 

[marc]

First of all, welcome to anxietyzone. I would try to remember that the thoughts you are having are thoughts
only and it does not mean you will ever act them out. OCD thoughts can be controlled and I think with the
proper therapy, you will live a nice life. Try to be positive also, as this always helps.

[Lily2012]

I have similar intrusive, disturbing thoughts that make me feel like a disgusting and terrible person. I will randomly get these thoughts in my head about doing sexual things with relatives or wanting to hurt myself and others. These are things that I would absolutely NEVER, EVER do, but once I get the thought in my head my brain runs with it. I feel terribly guilty and disturbed. My fear is that I will black out/lose control and commit a terrible act and I won't be able to live with these actions.


These thoughts went away for a while when I was very happy and busy with my life. I had a boyfriend, was working a lot, and had a lot of friends. I am now single and very stressed out with school/life and these disturbing thoughts have came back. When I initially joined these forums I remember someone saying that we are actually the least likely people to act on these thoughts. The fact that we feel so guilty/terrible about these thoughts means we would never act on them. A true sociopath wouldn't feel guilty for having these intrusive thoughts. Also, when someone is "losing their mind" they don't actually realize it. We are so fearful about losing our minds or doing something terrible/crazy that we dwell on it, but if we were actually going crazy, we wouldn't realize it.
I know this is confusing- I'm not particularly eloquent- but I hope you know what I mean. It gets better, trust me. Hope this helped a bit.

[lapallyloga]

Its important to note your thoughts do not define who you are, we are not our thoughts, they can arise all by themselves, a thought is not a truth, having a thought that we dont like does not mean we need to feel guilt at the thought,
reactions are the key, better to react in knowing they are not true, i used to find it useful not to provide counter arguments and not to get into a battle with the thoughts, providing counter arguments, it can take alot of energy and can wear you down, just let them go and know they are not who you are, thoughts are seperate

[vonbock]

I know how you feel.

Even though you the thoughts are wrong.  They run around in your mind over and over and over till it wears you out. 

Good thing is, you know about when young and now trying to work on it while you have a long life ahead.  I didn't realize I had a OCD/anxiety/paranoia problems into my mid 30's.  I look back and I always wonder how different my life would have been if I had my anxiety under control.