I am 19 years old and have been struggling for a long time with irrational fear and panic attacks. I know that my feelings are usually completely irrational and my reasons for being scared or angry are unjustifiable which makes me feel embarrassed to talk to people about them.
I am currently studying Beauty Therapy. I start my third term next Monday and I am terrified. At New Year's it hit me hard. I was angry (I deal with fear by being angry for some reason) at anybody who spoke to me and for anything they did, even when trying to help me. It made me feel terrible that I was hurting people for trying to support me which made me angrier. I cried myself to sleep for days but I didn't know how to make anybody understand my feelings, to be honest I don't know how to understand them myself. Then somehow they went away for a while. About a week ago they began coming back. I tried to explain to my bestfriend how I felt about going back, even told her about a panic attack I had during a class to try to make her understand. But she didn't understand and while explaining it to her I realised how crazy I must sound sometimes. (In class we were studying make-up. They put it on me and as they were applying it, I began to feel as though the products were sinking into my skin. I swear I felt it going into my lungs and into my heart where it pumped through my entire body. I began to be unable to breathe, quickly excused myself and went to the bathroom. I sat on the ground in the back stall struggling to breathe while I imagined my arteries clogging up with foundation and concealer. After about 10 minutes I forced myself to get up and wash it off. I scrubbed my face so hard that it appeared as though I had had an allergic reaction to the make up, which, to my utter relief got me excused from further participation, but I was not myself for days afterwards). This was not a one-off event. I often feel that things are ultering me at a cellular level and it freaks me out. I am terrified that the things they are going to do to me are going to cause cancer or do something irreversible to my body.
I know that I am getting worse, my idea's and thoughts are scaring me more and more and the list of things I simply cannot do is getting longer and longer. Irrational things! Like I can't drink milk, even if it is freshly bought, because my brain tells me it is off. To me, that is absurd. But I still can't drink it.
Should I get proffessional help?
I would like to talk to someone who can help me escape my mind. I've told my parents I want to see a councillor or something and they never take me seriously. I keep thinking I should see someone secretely so no one knows about it, but I simply can't do that without transport or money. When I press my parents to take me to get help, they tell me to talk to God. I have, but it doesn't help me. I don't know how to get around it. Has anyone else had this problem? How do you work around it? Is this even anxiety?
Thanks to anyone who reads this/replies to this. I know it's a lot to read.. so thanks for listening =]