So I have had some better days of late and some not so great, nerves still rough in the am especially and then yesterday morning my mom died unexpectedly. My dad calls yesterday with the news that my mom fell and the paramedics were there and I am off to see him and my mom, but she passed in the hospital not long after I got there, and was not responsive while I was there. I managed relatively well yesterday, all things considered, maybe it was the need to focus outside of myself that helped me get thru it. Today I needed a quarter of a klonopin in addition to my usual .5 at night to calm my nerves this morning after driving down to my dads home this morning. It seems to have helped.
Waiting for recovery is difficult enough for me, as I am sure anyone else here can relate to, but to lose my mom, whom I spoke to just about every night and visited often, is hard, and I am afraid of how it will hit me when the unreality/shock feeling passes. Grieving is hard enough when I have been "normal" but this is new territory for me, I've not suffered a loss during the three times in my life I have dealt with out of control panic/anxiety/depression.
At some point this must get better.