Hi, everyone. My name is Nick, and I'm 23 years old.
I'll just get right to it...I'm terrified that I have a disorder that's going to put me in a wheelchair for the rest of my life. All I do is lay here and think about it. I don't have the motivation to do anything at all because I'm so worried that my life is going to end, and I think to myself "What's the point?"
It started about 3 years ago. I was in my 4th year of college, and one night I was sitting in my dorm alone. I suddenly started feeling a tingling in both of my legs. It was weird, it felt like a bunch of people poking my calves really gently...Afterward, they started twitching from about my knees down to my feet. Everyday, almost all the time. Just tiny little twitches, and the twitching would bother me and wore so badly on my mind. I thought I had MS. I was so terrified after a few days of this, that I tried to pull myself out of school. It was 3 in the morning and I was laying in my bed in tears, and I decided I couldn't do it anymore...so I got on my computer and tried to quit school. I wasn't able to figure out how to do it, so I just got in my car and drove home, an hour away. I was checked by a neurologist, and everything was fine. He called it "Benign Fasciculation Syndrome" and attributed it to anxiety.
I've been living with that for the past few years. It's something that I had to get used to, and learn to ignore. It scared me every night. I would lay there in my room, alone, and think about the terrible things that could be happening to me. After a while, I realized that nothing was happening. I began to feel some relief. I felt like maybe I could start living my life without worrying...
Fast forward to this very last semester. Starting at about the end of November (right around the time finals were approaching), I started getting this numbness in my left pinky and ring fingers. It was a tingling feeling, and I immediately started panicking. I was terrified that this was the onset of something terrible. A few days later, my toes started twitching and tingling, and after a few more days, my right arm started feeling the same way. I figured..."maybe when I graduate, all this stuff will stop. Maybe when I get out of school, my body will stop showing these physical symptoms. Everything will go back to normal."
I graduated in mid-December, and very gradually, things kinda started fading away. My symptoms subsided a bit and I was feeling better again. That didn't last long...
So here I am, writing in this forum for help. I'm desperate at this point. about 6 days ago, the back of my neck started feeling strange. It felt just a little bit weak, as if it was taking a slightly greater amount of effort to keep my head up. It's at its worst right now. My neck and shoulders feel fatigued. There is zero pain involved, and no numbness that I can feel. Just, more effort and a hot, burning feeling on the back of my neck. I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in weeks. Every single night I find myself awake until 8 in the morning, when I finally fall asleep due to pure exhaustion. My muscles are twitching all over my body, even in my face and on my nose, and under my eye. I'm absolutely terrified. All I can think about is "what if this is MS? What if this is something that will leave me handicapped?"
I start thinking about my wonderful, beautiful boyfriend and our relationship...I start thinking about his smile, and the times we've had, and fear that it will be all gone...and I think about how badly it would hurt him to know that something was wrong with me.
I'm so sorry if I sound dramatic. I just need some help. I started taking Zoloft a few days ago, but. I don't know. I've taken anti depressants before. I'm just scared. I don't know what to do, and I'm in a really, really weak spot in my life right now. I feel like I need to get a grip so that I'm not bothering my family, who has been really patient with me and this stupid stuff that's been happening to me.