Background: 26 year old female, UK, with chronic OCD/HA, diagnosed for eight years, have tried multiple medications and therapies to little effect. Currently in a really bad patch and trying to cope.
Problem: Rectal bleeding, repeated.
I first had rectal bleeding about three years ago, during a time when I was deeply avoiding medical contact so I ignored it. It's always the same type of bleeding; bright coloured, copious, on the toilet and paper, not apparently in the stool. So, haemorrhoid, most likely - it seems to fit that type of bleeding in the many descriptions I've read. Since the first time, there have been two or three other times separated by several months.
Last November, it happened again. As I'm now back in the medical fold, I mentioned it to my GP who said it was likely a haemorrhoid and to leave be.
It happened again a couple of weeks later, and then again after a few days. Talk to GP again, who suggests a colonoscopy to put my mind at ease, but stresses she doesn't think it's essential and if I don't have any further incidents of bleeding I can cancel it.
I didn't have any further bleeding (about six weeks) until tonight. Same type of bleeding. I feel desperately upset and terrified and for some reason my usual self-calming methods aren't helping. I had a really vicious anxiety attack earlier this week and had had a crackdown on checking and the like, but now this has happened and blown everything apart.
There is a 24-hour GP at our local hospital and I'm desperate to go and get it checked, but I know there's not much point. They might not be able to see the haemorrhoid with a basic exam (I think? If that's wrong please correct!) so I'm as well waiting for the colonoscopy appointment, which is in three weeks. I'm aware to wait is probably the right call.
Oh but my stupid mind! I'm getting "what if"-ed into oblivion here. WHAT IF I resist going on this one occasion, and it is something, and this is the time I actually should have gone? WHAT IF I wait for the colonoscopy, there is something, and then get told three weeks would have made a huge amount of difference to my prognosis?
I keep thinking maybe they would identify some kind of warning sign, admit me, and do a colonoscopy in a couple of days rather than three weeks, and that that time difference might be imperative. What if, what if, what if.
I desperately don't want to go, but I know if I will end up going if I can't get some handle on these thoughts. Even if that just means they look, say nothing is there (well, not without a colonoscopy) and send me home, I'd be able to handle it better knowing I'd tried - but if I did that for everything, I'd pretty much have to camp out at a doctor's office.
Any suggestions on resisting the urge?