First thing you gotta realise is that it's normal for most people to have a level of the type of phobia you're talking about. You obviousely didn't take 'the leap' though and so it got worse and worse. Next thing is that, judging by your background, you are actually subconsciously looking for a partner who makes you feel rejected. Let me elaborate by asking you to take a test for me. This test is really good for anyone interested in finding out a little more about themselves in regards to relationships. It's based on a psychological theory that we subconsciously choose our partners based on a need to resolve our childhood issues.
(a) I want you to think of and list at least five (5) of the most outstanding bad traits about your childhood parent/guardian/s.
Think of describing words (adjectives) like Bossy, Jeolous, Controll freak, Unhappy etc.
(b) Now think of and list at least five (5) of your common emotional reactions to these traits. During hard times you felt:
i.e. Angry, Demotovated, insecure, inadequate etc.
(c) Ok, now list at least five (5) good traits about your parent/guardian/s:
i.e. Always happy, Confident, Intelligent, Loving, Fun, Emotionally stable, Caring etc.
(d) Think back to your happiest memories as a child, what were your emotional reactions? List at least five (5):
i.e. Free, Adequate, Confident.
(e) Now you need to think of the worst times and big arguments. What were your reactions? List at least five (5):
i.e. critisize, slam doors, take drugs, cry.
Alright, now get your answers from each question and apply them by letter (a,b,c,and d) to the result sheet as follows:
You are ending up with partners who are often A:
With whom you often feel B:
But you are only trying to make them C:
So you can begin to feel D:
But you sabotaged this by E:
I want to say one more thing in case you don't reply or i don't see your answer. It feels to you like your afraid, like most in your position (i've been there), of messing up or not being good enough. You begin to realise that it is the fear itself that is causing the trouble.. Somehow you still can't seem to avoid it. Everybody hides a part of themselves, the part your hiding itching is to come out - if you keep wasting time you'll die like that.. You need to learn how to be yourself and not what people want you to be - don't even try, just do - even if it's not really good. Screw 'em. Remember, if you don't say screw em you die having them screw you... What irony. Just be you, and look for a girl that suits you.. Even if that is a girl who like incessant blabber before sex! ;)
