I'm having an extremely low day today, extremely low month and a half in all honesty.
I have always been aware that there was something wrong with me, even from the age of about 8. I don't know how to explain what it was that I felt, but it was just there, like a shadow. I remember wanting to cause hurt to myself when I was young, thinking there was always someone watching me, that I wasn't alone. Then I hit the age of 10 and my grandfather tragically passed away, he was much more than a 'bampy' to me, he was my father figure, I saw him every day of my life. And I can safely say that that is when I can pin point the beginning of my GAD, though it took 6 years for doctors to refer me to specialist.
I was given Citalopram and was sent to a psychologist, who later diagnosed me with depression and body dysmorphia disorder, for which I was then taken off Citalopram and was prescribed Pregabalin. I've been on this medication for over a year at contrasting dosages over time and it has taken no effect with me, personally.
I was then given a mix of Pregabalin and Fluoxetine to see how that would go, but I just feel the same.
I cannot really recall a time where I have felt content in the last year, though I did volunteer in South Africa at a primate sanctuary where I lost myself and felt at one with what I love, but sadly had to return home 2 weeks early due to experiencing an incredibly intense attack where I had what I can only describe as hallucinations of which lasted 7 hours, in that 7 hours I almost convinced myself that it would be better to 0473 than suffer through another minute of what was happening, thankfully, I didn't.
Though there isn't a day that passes where I don't have suicidal thoughts, I've come close to walking out in front of a train, overdosing etc. I do self harm at times, where I pull out my hair and cut my skin with my nails until I draw blood, but I haven't done so for a couple of weeks.
All I'm trying to say is that I am sick of being ill, being sent to professional after professional (I am not undermining them since they have been brilliant, merely the system) being told the same thing over and over resulting in simply chucking different medications at me.
I've had CBT and EMDR and neither has helped.
I love my family, and friends, and have a fab boyfriend of whom I have been with for 5 years, but sometimes, in the moment there is nothing more that I would love to do than to just end it. I despise myself for being so mellow dramatic and shallow, even, since it could be a lot worse, but people just don't understand how chronic GAD can be.
I just don't know what to do or how to handle it anymore, knowing that it will be with me forever is so intimidating.
How do you all handle it?