Please help if you can?

[jethbones]

I'm having an extremely low day today, extremely low month and a half in all honesty.

I have always been aware that there was something wrong with me, even from the age of about 8. I don't know how to explain what it was that I felt, but it was just there, like a shadow. I remember wanting to cause hurt to myself when I was young, thinking there was always someone watching me, that I wasn't alone. Then I hit the age of 10 and my grandfather tragically passed away, he was much more than a 'bampy' to me, he was my father figure, I saw him every day of my life. And I can safely say that that is when I can pin point the beginning of my GAD, though it took 6 years for doctors to refer me to specialist.

I was given Citalopram and was sent to a psychologist, who later diagnosed me with depression and body dysmorphia disorder, for which I was then taken off Citalopram and was prescribed Pregabalin. I've been on this medication for over a year at contrasting dosages over time and it has taken no effect with me, personally.
I was then given a mix of Pregabalin and Fluoxetine to see how that would go, but I just feel the same.

I cannot really recall a time where I have felt content in the last year, though I did volunteer in South Africa at a primate sanctuary where I lost myself and felt at one with what I love, but sadly had to return home 2 weeks early due to experiencing an incredibly intense attack where I had what I can only describe as hallucinations of which lasted 7 hours, in that 7 hours I almost convinced myself that it would be better to 0473 than suffer through another minute of what was happening, thankfully, I didn't.

Though there isn't a day that passes where I don't have suicidal thoughts, I've come close to walking out in front of a train, overdosing etc. I do self harm at times, where I pull out my hair and cut my skin with my nails until I draw blood, but I haven't done so for a couple of weeks.

All I'm trying to say is that I am sick of being ill, being sent to professional after professional (I am not undermining them since they have been brilliant, merely the system) being told the same thing over and over resulting in simply chucking different medications at me.

I've had CBT and EMDR and neither has helped.

I love my family, and friends, and have a fab boyfriend of whom I have been with for 5 years, but sometimes, in the moment there is nothing more that I would love to do than to just end it. I despise myself for being so mellow dramatic and shallow, even, since it could be a lot worse, but people just don't understand how chronic GAD can be.

I just don't know what to do or how to handle it anymore, knowing that it will be with me forever is so intimidating.

How do you all handle it?

[morbidmonkey182]

Hi there sounds like ur having a crap time of things (in your own head I mean )I've been a sufferer for years n I've been on a fair few medications, seen a fair few councilors etc etc. I thought I'd conquered my anxieties within my last relationship but after a pretty awful end to my marriage (she cheated on me ) I eventually found some one new and now they have all come back :/. I recognize the constant feeling of dread and desperation so thought I'd tell u what I'm doing because slowly but surely its helping me :D

The first thing I would encourage u to do (n I've posted this in several other posts) is find yourself a hobby u can get lost in. By this I don't mean it necessarily has to be a conventional hobby just something that you can look forward to doing when u have the time, something you are passionate about, something that allows you to turn off the world for a couple of hours whilst you immerse yourself in a world of your choosing. Mine for instance are wargaming and model collecting. These tantalize my imagination to the point where it makes me happy to think about it whilst at work planning the next set of models etc etc. The point is it's a world I love n i love any opportunity to escape into it :D I would highly recommend something like that but obviously more interesting to u personally (maybe studying primates for example) it could even be something as easy as reading. Because I have very little time to read I've found audio books are a great distraction at work, in the car or whenever I'm on my own etc

The second thing I found useful was getting on youtube n simply typing things like 'anxiety help' 'meditation techniques' there are some really good ideas for calming anxieties on there but most will require your strict distraction free attention for like 10mins as they talk you through the techniques. the most helpful one I have found up to now is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ArtxNt606U if you follow a link to his site off the video he has a whole self help audio programe which u can stream free from his site or download for a $10 donation. But if he doesn't work for you keep looking coz theres a whole host of self help ideas/techniques on youtube u just need to find the one that works for you :D

Hope this helps you and good luck :D
 

[kconnors]

Hi,

Just my recommendation also for the link . . . I found it about a year ago and have never regretted going there . . . I found tape #6 to be the best one for me and I play it every day . . . in the beginning, I played it maybe 5 or 6 times a day and it took about a month or so and one day, when I was playing it, I noticed that for the first time in months and months, I did not have "butterflies" . . . then I noticed that while I was walking, I was not anxious about have a disastrous health issue occur, etc. etc. I don't know whether it is the person's voice, the content of the tape, or associating my changes with the tape . . . whatever it is, it has worked for me . . .take care, KC

p.s.  there is absolutely no pressure to pay the $10 but I did so not because I was pressured but I figured it was the best $10 that I had spent in the last decade for something that finally had an effect . . .

[jethbones]

Thank you both so much for your input, I will definitely look at taking up a hobby, I own a banjolele so i may start it back up again, sound like a great idea.

I'll also look at the youtube links too, thanks guys.

Also, I'm sorry that you had to be put through a break up such as that, I really do hope you manage to help yourself in future, you seem like a lovely guy.