I do know all these things but I just can't keep it together. Heck, I've been "practicing" for the neuro tests. (For the record, cannot stand on left foot for very long, or at all with eyes closed....right foot somewhat better...cannot walk on my heels about half the time; no problem walking on toes; do okay with the one foot in front of the other walk as long as my fat thighs don't rub together and trip me up...on the plus side I can pretty reliably find my nose with my finger.) I'm pretty sure I've become a crazy person. I've been crying for...I've lost count of how many hours, but my long-suffering girlfriend went to bed five and a half hours ago, so longer than that, anyway.
The frustrating thing is, these are all symptoms I've had before, except for the facial spasms (which I am willing to believe are stress-related, since the first time it happened, my girlfriend had dropped the I-don't-want-to-get-engaged-yet bomb on me out of what seemed like the clear blue nowhere, but it's gone from sporadic to constant, and now my smile looks bizarrely distorted...so I don't know what to think there. On the plus side, girlfriend changed her mind again and wants me to pop the question on our anniversary, about three weeks from now actually. Yeah, I'm doing the asking, but we both know when, it's a long and complicated thing...the slight downside to two girls together - well, besides having to deal with two people having their periods and accompanying mood swings; you never know who does what, traditionally! So, you know, better hope my neuro gets any testing he might want done out of the way so I don't have it hanging over me then...). You would think that might make me feel a little better. Not so much.
You know, sometimes I miss being suicidally depressed. If I felt that way right now, I wouldn't give a 0100 about having a brain tumor. I'd welcome it. I'd been in that state of mind before during health scares and it was weirdly liberating. Oh, I have ebola AIDS cancer...good, I hope it works fast. But my life is finally starting to get on track and I'm finally excited about it. Which makes me SURE that this is something deadly. Probably God punishing me for wanting to throw my life away so many times...now that I want to live it, I'll have it taken away.