Slowly but surely losing it

[mollyfin]

Tomorrow is my neurologist appointment.  I'm so certain that a brain tumor will be suspected and later confirmed that I haven't been able to do anything but cry for hours.  I don't know when I last ate.  Not that losing a few pounds would hurt me, haha.  I can't concentrate on anything.  Unsurprisingly my symptoms continue to worsen the worse off I get emotionally.  Left side of face is numb off and on.  Muscle spasms in mouth and chin when I try to smile, inability to smile normally.  No balance on my left leg; weakness and numbness also in my right arm/hand.  Phantom smells.  Vision screwy.  Memory shot.  You've heard it all before.

My brain won't allow itself to be distracted.  I can't read, can't watch TV.  I'm trying to keep it together, I want to keep it together, but I'm losing it.  I'm not even 30 yet.  I don't want to be dying.  (Don't suppose anyone does.)  Not now when I'm finally getting my life on track after my disastrous 20s.  I'm trying to just not worry about it, because I know worrying doesn't help anything.  But it's not working.  Thing is, if it's a brain tumor, I'd rather not know.  Brain cancer is basically incurable in adults.  I don't mind the fact that I have to die someday, but I really don't want to see it coming.  I don't want to have that countdown til my death.  But obviously if it's nothing or something treatable I want to know.  I wish there was some contract I could sign saying "If prognosis is 'death in a year,' just don't say anything." 

[Lynnmain]

Hi,
 
  I understand how you feel in a way. I do not have any symptoms but right now my anxiety is focused on brain cancer from a cat scan I had.  I believe you commented on my post. It's horrible because like you said there is no cure, it makes me sick to think about it. But on the bright side, you are young! Not even 30! Sometimes our mind is so powerful that it makes us have symptoms . It's always good to get things checked out to be on the safe side and to put our minds at rest but I'm sure you will be just fine! Try to get out, go to a store or a walk. I know how hard it is to distract trust me my anxiety is high right now too and it's a struggle . Just know your not alone and everyone's fears feel so real at the time. Good luck !

[mollyfin]

What bothers me most is that my regular doctor is concerned...he usually doesn't worry about anything. 

[Hohum]

Hi Mollyfin

Firstly, I am sorry you have to go through this process. It sounds like your anxiety has you in a very bad place, which many of us know all-too-well.

A while ago, I had several very real, very unexplained symptoms which I was attributing to Lymphoma. I had read the symptoms, and I was suffering similar symptoms, so in my mind there was nothing else it could be. Like you, I'd already accepted that my days were numbered and that I was going to be diagnosed with an incurable condition at an early age. Of course, it turned out to be completely something else and I am fine, but that was just about the darkest point in my years of HA.

Despite how hard it is, try to concentrate on what you actually know, instead of dwelling on what you don't know. You already know that you have several, physical symptoms which can be attributed to any number of conditions (the rarest of which is brain cancer). You know that you suffer from health anxiety. Your Doctor has discussed the problem with you and already has very strong suspicions that it's related to medication (from your other post) but is making this referral to be cautious. You also know that you are dealing with the problem, whatever it is. Every condition, serious or not, is best dealt with sooner rather than later. So despite of what has happened up until now, all that matters is today and that you are now committed to a resolution. It may be terrifying, but the chances are overwhelmingly positive that you will get relief from your diagnosis.

There may be nothing I can say which will help with the fear, and only keeping to your appointments to get to the actual root cause will do that. I just wanted to say that you're not alone in how you are feeling.

Good luck and stay strong.

[mollyfin]

I do know all these things but I just can't keep it together.  Heck, I've been "practicing" for the neuro tests.  (For the record, cannot stand on left foot for very long, or at all with eyes closed....right foot somewhat better...cannot walk on my heels about half the time; no problem walking on toes; do okay with the one foot in front of the other walk as long as my fat thighs don't rub together and trip me up...on the plus side I can pretty reliably find my nose with my finger.)  I'm pretty sure I've become a crazy person.  I've been crying for...I've lost count of how many hours, but my long-suffering girlfriend went to bed five and a half hours ago, so longer than that, anyway. 

The frustrating thing is, these are all symptoms I've had before, except for the facial spasms (which I am willing to believe are stress-related, since the first time it happened, my girlfriend had dropped the I-don't-want-to-get-engaged-yet bomb on me out of what seemed like the clear blue nowhere, but it's gone from sporadic to constant, and now my smile looks bizarrely distorted...so I don't know what to think there.  On the plus side, girlfriend changed her mind again and wants me to pop the question on our anniversary, about three weeks from now actually.  Yeah, I'm doing the asking, but we both know when, it's a long and complicated thing...the slight downside to two girls together - well, besides having to deal with two people having their periods and accompanying mood swings; you never know who does what, traditionally!  So, you know, better hope my neuro gets any testing he might want done out of the way so I don't have it hanging over me then...).  You would think that might make me feel a little better.  Not so much. 

You know, sometimes I miss being suicidally depressed.  If I felt that way right now, I wouldn't give a 0100 about having a brain tumor.  I'd welcome it.  I'd been in that state of mind before during health scares and it was weirdly liberating.  Oh, I have ebola AIDS cancer...good, I hope it works fast.  But my life is finally starting to get on track and I'm finally excited about it.  Which makes me SURE that this is something deadly.  Probably God punishing me for wanting to throw my life away so many times...now that I want to live it, I'll have it taken away. 

[greend]

Mollyfin, sorry you are going through this.  I know what it is like to have neurological symptoms - very scary.  At least your neuro appointment is soon.  I wish you well and please keep us posted!

[vardnas]

I know how you feel, molly. That exact thing happened to my dad—the diagnosis of an untreatable brain tumor—so he knew he was going to die and couldn't do anything about it. I'm not sure, but I think the reality of that is not as bad as it seems from the other side. Yes, hearing that news initially is probably a sock to the gut, but then, I mean ... you know. You have time to get your house in order (hopefully), you have time to say goodbye, you have time to come to peace with it. Maybe it's not that way for everyone, but my dad had a few months like that, and while he was not fully functioning for a lot of that time, he was also not freaked out or depressed about it, either. He made his peace.

Which is not saying that I think you're sick. I don't think you have a brain tumor at all, and in fact I think, deep down, you know that, too. It seems as if you're allowing these health fears to distract you from getting to the meat of your issues. That's not a dig, a lot of us are like that (me included), but dwelling negatively on the future and jumping to the worst possible diagnosis are mindsets that are not helping in recovery. Disease is not a curse from God. Diseases happen regardless of what we do in life.

[sassparella]

Good luck with your neuro appointment, I hope it goes well for you.

[mollyfin]

Sorry about your dad, vardnas.  I agree that it can be a blessing to have time to get everything in order.  When my dad was diagnosed with cancer he always said he would rather go quickly and unexpectedly, but he slowly changed his mind.  (Unfortunately that wasn't how he got to go; he had a heart arrhythmia during chemo.)  So who knows.

I do hope I'm not dying; just not at all ready for that yet.  But I guess ultimately when you know it's coming you have no choice but to accept it and deal with it.  I do have a "bucket list" and all that, so I guess I'm prepared.  I just can't stand the thought of leaving my girlfriend behind.  I love her so much.  I know that if there's nonexistence after death I won't be aware of it to miss her, but I can't get my head around that concept so all I can imagine is being separated from her for eternity and it tears me up.

[mollyfin]

Five hours til my appointment.  So scared. 

[middlenamehypochondria]

I wish there was some contract I could sign saying "If prognosis is 'death in a year,' just don't say anything."  I laughed when I read what you wrote, that is hilarious!  How did your appointment go?

[Inuyasha_Muffin]

I'm so sorry that youre afraid :\  BUT  I just wanted to share something... one of my best friend's mom has a brain tumor I believe she's had it for like 22 years and she is still kickin!! She goes to work every day and interacts with her family and friends. Just because its possible to die from it doesnt mean that it will actually happen! I dont think you have one though :)  just remember that its NOT definately a death sentence. Im sure you'll be fine.