Need Advice

[GeekGirl]

When I was 14, I was diagnosed with depression. I was put on anti-depressants and have been on them since then. Until now, at the age of 26, when I decided, with the help of professionals, that maybe not being on ant-depressants was the best thing for me right now. My husband and I want to start a happy and healthy family, and the side effects of anti-depressants were just getting to be too much.

Enter in all the emotions I never learned to deal with because I was medicated at such an early age. I get mood swings like crazy. I don't know how to handle the sad, the angry, the isolation. And since I'm also dealing with a couple of anxiety disorders, things seem to get pretty crappy really fast. My problem is, my husband has no idea how to deal with things now, and I can feel him distancing himself. This has served to make me feel very isolated and alone, because he doesn't understand and I'm not sure how to be around him. On top of all of this, he has recently confirmed what I've suspected for a little while now: he, too, is dealing with depression. And how does he deal with all of this? Distance, distance, distance!

I don't know what to do! How can I be there for him when he just keeps me at arms length? How do I take care of myself? How do I take care of him? How can I bring us back to us?

I talk to a counselor, who stresses "communication," but the more I try to communicate, the further my husband draws away.

Help please!

[behindblueyes238]

I totally have the same problem! My husband is getting frustrated because I'm "sick" all the time. He doesn't know how to handle it and just backs away. And I just end up feeling more isolated. I can't make real friends because i'm depressed and afraid of rejection. If you ever need support or just to talk my email is Whitney.norman@0201

[behindblueyes238]

I have the same problem exactly.

[tinam7]

There is probably much overlapping between our needs, a partner's needs and background, and the expectations of a relationship.

Sometimes it's tough to live with ourselves no less with anyone else. Times have changed so much (I am an old timer). For better? For worse? Plenty to think about which I enjoy. I do think the first step is to help ourselves, to work on ourselves. Perhaps joint counseling is a possibility too.

[Jewel311]

I more or less have the same problem.  Was on meds at a young age, havent been for quite some time, probably should be.  You will stabalize, by the way.  It took a long time but the anxiety became less severe.  It is the mood swings that plague me.... and my boyfriend takes so personally... causing awful fights and turmoil.  We are going to start therapy... maybe that could be an option?  Hang in there, I know it is really hard.

[Paladin29]

My wife and I had similar issues.  What helped us was couples therapy.  There we were able to open clear lines of communication.  While I knew how hard it was to have depression, I never knew how hard it was for her to live with someone with depression.  I could see things from her point of view for the first time and she could learn why I acted certain ways.  We were able to establish better expectations, on both our parts, and our marriage is the strongest its ever been in 12 years. 

I've been on long term disability for 7 months now which has made our financial situation unclear.  If we hadn't started couples therapy there's no way our marriage could have survived.

Give couples therapy a shot.  It may give you both better a better understanding of what you are going through and what he is going through.

[Alleyalexa]

sorry that you feel that way, i know that i fustrate my husband as well. I think that its because they don't know how to deal with what your going through.  If they don't see you dealing with it its better for them, not that they don't care but they are just tired of not seeing you better. When i get severe anxiety and i feel like im going crazy, i burst out crying, and i tell him i know you are tired of me and you may be thinking about leaving me, but he tells me that he is not going anywhere and that he will continue to pray. I personally think that he does get tired as soon as he gets a chance to do something else he takes off.   

[howifeel]

This anxiety and racing thoughts are the worst! In the morning they hit hardest (for me, that was when I was most likely to feel like hurting myself. The sunrise was "Oh no! Another day!"). Don't forget to check your thyroid (just saying).

Totally my opinion.

There is a pretty big step for a husband to go from frustrated with his wife, to leaving her. Leaving is not such a casual thing for someone who has chosen to get married, depending on the marriage. Marriage makes the love, love doesn't make the marriage (IMO if it was a quick marriage, after a brief courtship that originated in a nightclub/eharmony etc., I would worry). Strictly opinion by the way.

Being on medication since 14, chances are, he had some idea who he was marrying, and loved you the way you were. In the long run, marriages run hot and cold for varying years without ending in divorce.

I really don't see the problem with taking medications. Taking medications, for some of us who are mentally ill, IS dealing with our emotions. I do, and my wife appreciates it. Even the antianxiety medications (very seldom now) regardless of the propaganda about them being dangerous . Maybe ease back on them as you got off them. Maybe you don't need as high a dose.

There are local programs that he can attend Saturday mornings by himself to learn about individuals struggling with anxiety and mood disorders (Family to Family for instance). My wife went to them. Males, also, like to help, even though they act annoyed, at first. For me, when my wife gets emotional, I shut down also. Sometimes I think "I am not the one who is going to ultimately fix this." but I don't think "I'm tired of this, I'm getting a divorce!"

Anxiety creates its own PTSD (oh no! Here it comes again!! Type experiences). Anxiety brings depression. The memories of our mental breakdowns are traumatic in themselves. It's hard for unaffected people to imagine that death is an improvement, but for our tormented minds it seems to make sense. Your worry about losing it some day and not being cared for are very very common thoughts for those of us who struggle with anxiety, but it will NEVER happen.

Communication may be good, but for me it didn't work. It seemed the less I talked about it with my wife, the better it got. God is not going to let you fall in the least. You are cared for, and it sounds like you are wife worth fighting for. Us guys are very emotionally dense. We may care deeply, but only let out a couple of grunts to express it, sad to say.

I threw out a lot of opinion, so I may have completely missed the point.