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Author Topic: I don't want to do this anymore.  (Read 567 times)

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Offline MyMiddleNameisHypo

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I don't want to do this anymore.
« on: January 14, 2013, 11:45:00 PM »
I'm so mentally and physically exhausted that I literally cannot take it anymore. I am in a constant state of anxiety and depression. The days have begun to run together into one long nightmare. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. I just want to be happy. I want to wake up tomorrow and the next day and the next day without the screaming thoughts in my head telling me that I have this illnesses or that disease. I get nothing out of life anymore. No pleasure, no happiness. I lay in bed for hours a day. My quality of life is gone. I am now simply just alive. I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I've worn out my welcome at every turn. I have no one to talk to, no one to cry to, no one to panic to. I no longer think about the future. I've cancelled all of my goals and dreams for I am convinced I do not have much time left on this earth. I will not take my own life, these diseases/illnesses/sicknesses will though. The therapy, the medicine, the books, the forums, the videos, the "apps" - none of it works. I truly believe I am too far gone. I feel like I am constantly trying to convince myself that I'm not diseased or dying. People look at me and say "There is nothing wrong with you. You're not dying. You are healthy" I get so angry. I feel as if they are trying to convince me the grass is hot pink when indeed it is green. I just want to scream and cry but there are no tears left to be had. I'm being punished for my mistakes.
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Offline Cuchculan

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Re: I don't want to do this anymore.
« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2013, 06:52:11 AM »
You know something? These are the times we have to dig the most deepest of all. I used to say that life felt like one long day. With only a few sleeping hours to split that long day up. It was kind of like been made to stand in the corner of a room. With a wardrobe on all sides of you. You can't move backwards. Can't see any way forwards. Just feels like you are trapped. But the worst thing I done at that stage in my life was just stayed in bed all day. When I did get up I done nothing at all. What was I gaining by doing this? Nothing at all. The truth is that no matter how bad it might feel, there is always a road back. It might not seem like it right now. I'm not here to preach to you. Tell you what to do. Those are things you have to work out for yourself. Much like I had to once in my life. Were our problems may be similar the answers may differ. You might find some hope in doing something you like. The thing is to make yourself do this thing you like. Even if you don't feel like you have the drive / desire to do it. Because if we just sit there and feel sorry for ourselves we are adding to our own problems. Lord knows I done it for years. But it was like one day I woke up to reality of life. That I wasn't living a life. I was simply watching a life go by my front window. Looking out a bedroom window at others doing things I wanted to do. I aimed to be out there some day looking back up at that window from the street. To be part of that life. It is not something we can force you to do. You have to want to do it for yourself. You have to believe in yourself. Others will always be there. Saying this, that and the other. Things we probably don't want to hear. Which is why it all boils down to us come the end of the day. The only person who can make a change and a difference to your life is you.
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Offline Jewel311

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Re: I don't want to do this anymore.
« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2013, 08:56:42 AM »
I just wanted to say I have been there.  A few times.  Somehow I pull myself out of it because I see  that as the only choice.  I just say to myself if I have some illness or if I am indeed dying... oh well. Sometimes it feels really good to just face your fears head on. And I get up and I keep going.  And you know what............. after awhile I feel a little better.  Of course there are times when I relapse into a bad state... like right now.  But you have to keep going.  Do something for yourself today.  Go for a walk somewhere nice, go get a massage, watch a funny movie. Even if while you are doing those things you are worrying, make a repeated effort to focus your attention back to what you're doing. Or more importantly, try to spend some time out of your own head, go talk to someone about something unrelated. You'll see better days, I think it is all about that first step out of the darkness, or in our cases ... our own head. Good luck..
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