Not sure if it's me, anxiety affecting my relationship or something worse!

[iuliaris]

HELLO,everyone! This is my first post here, as I have come to the point where these issues I am having really impact my life. I am really afraid I might become emotionally unstable amd the fact that I have a family background of mental illness it's not making me feel better..
Sooo, my boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years and a half. I am 20 now and this has been my first relationship, he is 21 and this has been his first serious relationship as well. He's a great guy, good-looking, funny, caring, smart, loyal, he just felt perfect to me. Everything was amazing, we had plans to spend our life together, a loving, supporting relationship, except that now I have a dilemma that's eating me alive. Although he's been the one to keep my mental sanity over the years, as I have bad family issues, I can't seem to get over something he's done. He chose to go abroad for work for almost 4 months and even if I did not want this and I had some doubts about whether ours will work anymore, I agreed to it in order not to be/look selfish. I really went through a lot of suffering without him, the trauma of seeing a close person practically eaten alive of cancer and me getting unexpectedly really sick, with no clear diagnosis until this day. I missed his love and support and wanted nothing more than to rush the day he gets back. It eventually happened but now three months later I find myself questioning my feelings that I once knew were very strong! It all came on suddenly one day and ever since then I keep having obsessive thoughts that I don't love him anymore and it will all go down the hill. I have ruminated this every living moment for the last 1 month and a half. Sometimes I am inclined to break up with him, as I feel frustrated with being sick and I resent him for his absence when I needed him the most. It is like I found him responsible for my illness and I must accuse him. I keep thinking "maybe we should take a break". I get irritated and it's like I scold him inside my head. I keep looking for the small details in our relationship that did not work out, I keep on checking my feelings when I'm with him to see if I can or cannot feel anything. It's like my mind is trying to confuse me and get me to break up with him! Now everytime I think something negative abouy him/us it just turns into a sign that I don't love him. At the same time, I feel I must not let go of him on a whim. I want to stay with him, I want our relationship to regain its strength, I can't stand the thought of not being with him, of him being with anyone else. He is aware of my struggles and wants everything to work out. But I keep finding myself crying when I tell him these things over and over again. I am just miserable lately. These thoughts are driving me crazy, I feel really depressed and sick, with severe insomnia, but I had low energy, lack of appetite and lack of enjoyment for anything for 4-5 months already, also due to some anxiety issues (I kept thinking I will go sick again, or go crazy and make a scene). I think I might have an anxiety disorder and depression, as I am an emotional rollercoaster, cry a lot, feel unhappy with everything in my life, envy others for being healthy and carefree, have a racing mind, irritability, inability to relax, periods when I feel really uneasy and restless physically and mentally and when I think of just ending everything... I also had some OCD tendencies in my childhood and I don't know if any of these might cause me such emotional confusion all of a sudden. I feel extremely self-centred and I can barely function in my relationships and at keeping up with high standards in my college. It pains me to have such thoughts about my boyfriend, and I know he suffers as well because we used to be perfect for each other and he can't stand to see me so depressed and not communicative, very different from the bubbly girl he knew when he left. If I stay will I forever be filled with these questionable thoughts and resentment towards him? I am really bad at forgiving, break/break up seems unbearable...I really wanna stay by his side, but I feel so confused, and cannot sort out my feelings, get rid of ruminating bothersome breaking up thoughts...
What could this be and what should I do?

[Cuchculan]

This is a person you loved so much. You spent so much time together. It would appear as if you are kind of blaming him for not been there for you when things got really bad. This would be during the period he was away working. Maybe your own sickness was related to his been away. But now you begin to question his loyalty. As if to say ' any loving partener would have been there during such a hard time '. Which is not always the case. He made a choice. One you didn't like, but accepted. You missed him so much. Which showed you still had feelings for him. Suddenly he is back home again. But you look at him as if to say ' where were you when I needed you the most '? Because remember he was always the person who got you through tough times before. So I would imagine you just feel let down. But it is something you can work through together. Be honest with him. Be honest with yourself. Love doesn't die that quickly. He really done nothing wrong. I don't really think you both discussed his going away to work in the right way, to begin with. The effects it might have on both of you. But he is back. The big question. Do you still want him in your life? I would imagine you would be lost without him. And what you are feeling is just a kind of anger towards him. For not been there when you needed him. Something you have to accept and learn to move past. You both seem perfect for each other. Don't make the wrong mistake now and spend the rest of life looking back regretting what you done. Do the right thing now.

[iuliaris]

This is a person you loved so much. You spent so much time together. It would appear as if you are kind of blaming him for not been there for you when things got really bad. This would be during the period he was away working. Maybe your own sickness was related to his been away. But now you begin to question his loyalty. As if to say ' any loving partener would have been there during such a hard time '. Which is not always the case. He made a choice. One you didn't like, but accepted. You missed him so much. Which showed you still had feelings for him. Suddenly he is back home again. But you look at him as if to say ' where were you when I needed you the most '? Because remember he was always the person who got you through tough times before. So I would imagine you just feel let down. But it is something you can work through together. Be honest with him. Be honest with yourself. Love doesn't die that quickly. He really done nothing wrong. I don't really think you both discussed his going away to work in the right way, to begin with. The effects it might have on both of you. But he is back. The big question. Do you still want him in your life? I would imagine you would be lost without him. And what you are feeling is just a kind of anger towards him. For not been there when you needed him. Something you have to accept and learn to move past. You both seem perfect for each other. Don't make the wrong mistake now and spend the rest of life looking back regretting what you done. Do the right thing now.

That;s what I am trying to do right now. I know in my heart that I don't want to lose him, end our beautiful relationship just like that, because even though the present is not so bright, we had great memories, a great relationship and plans to spend our whole life together. Now this just seems put on hold for me, along with my life.I had no reason to doubt my love until this issue arised. I read in fact my diary from before he left: I questioned my relationship, we had a talk about breaking up which resulted in me crying over not wanting in fact this option although I was really frustrated with being left behind and alone, and in the same period I seemed really down - not like now, but similar in this way that I had doubts.

After he came back, we were really happy for two months until this thought of me just not feeling loving anymore but instead blaming him for the state I am and that I can't seem to shake for months.  Maybe I waited too much in terms of expectations from him, maybe I expected him to be the one to cure me and as this disabling state has not changed, my irrational side started  to play the blame game. I don't even know if what I am is depression or anxiety or something physical, the fact is that I feel as if as long I don't recover from it, I won't get over this blame I know it's not having a real, rational basis. I feel just so helpless and so selfish...

[morbidmonkey182]

it sounds to me like u might be fixating on his going away, and it seems this is the thought loop ur anxieties have chosen to cling to. I get similar fixations and the worst are usually the ones that can't be changed. It then becomes a matter of ur head looping the same fear/paranoia/reason for your anxiety n trying to find a solution which will appease ur worries and fears. Past events which can't be changed are usually unsolvable n this is how and why u get fixated in a loop. I suspect that even if u found a solution in ur head to this dilemma ur anxieties would simply formulate a new one (thats how it works with me anyway) rather than trying to solve ur fears n worries your heads fixating on, try to instead deny the feeling u get when u get anxious. The likelihood is that what you boyfriend did has no real effect on your relationship, if u look at it logically it was perhaps a good opportunity for him to earn either good money or new skills (or both) and therefore there was nothing malicious in his actions and I have no doubt that he thought the benefits would help you too. So therefore it was probably a move he made for the right reasons. as for not feeling like u love him etc, thats simply a product of the anxiety. I reckon when ur not questioning things or wrapped with anxiety u will have moments of clarity where it hits home just how much u do care for him but in a state of strong anxiety these feelings dwindle so that your worries and fears manifest at the front of ur mind and the more u chase the feelings of love for him the more it will slip away as u cant quite grasp the relaxing calm u need for it to surface on its own. The anxiety take over your emotions and overshadows this. Its hard to keep the logical side of all this in a state of anxiety but Im telling u it does happen. when these thoughts and feelings begin to emerge u need to find a way of distracting your self, trust me his actions cant harm your relationship anymore if anything the fact he came back to u says enough, so try ur best to ignore them NO HARM WILL COME FROM THIS :D you cant actively ignore them however u need to distract yourself check out youtube for various 'help with anxiety' and 'meditation' tips or get inolved in an activity u love to do it will be a battle but it will get easier. I am assuming a lot in this reply to ur post so Im sorry if I have wrongly assessed ur predicament but I hope this helps. Best of luck to you :D