I can only say that the hole isn't necessarily as deep as it feels. Don't beat yourself up over how you got here, you are where you are. All the physical feelings you have are almost certainly due to anxiety, I promise. The way out for you is going to be the same way as for anyone else who has climbed out of the hole you find yourself in -- exercise, proper nutrition, relaxation, therapy, and self-education and hard work. I suppose others might add medication but not my thing.
Many many people have dug themselves out, with some help.
This book is supposed to be really good for depression, by the way.
It's hard not to beat myself up. It's so unfair, WHY? I've been through the same changes & stress my family has and they're just like they've always been nothing has changed in them. While I'm over here feeling like 0103. Worrying, overwhelmed with stress, always anxious and scared. Sometimes I can't even explain the way I feel 'cause it's so strange and so NOT me it scares me.
I would never exercise. My heart rate going up from just doing light physical movement already drives me crazy, I can't imagine myself doing actual exercise. Today I ran for like a minute to catch up with the bus before it left my heart was banging itself wild against my chest faster than it should and that made me anxious so I made it beat even FASTER it was more than 100bpm just due to that little barely a minute jog.. I felt terrible physically and mentally during that process. As for the nutrition, I eat well. I eat mostly home made food that contains vegetables. I try my best to relax, but these days I find it harder. I can't even close my eyes and feel peace of mind all over me like I did before..
On my way to bed, I climb up the stairs that take me to the bedrooms upstairs. As soon as I finish them I feel my beating in my chest as if I ran a mile. Then I try my best to slow it down but that only makes it worse. Then I decide to relax in my bed before going to sleep and listen to some music, but I can never get that done.. I'll have the headphones in and I'll have so many scary, negative thoughts running in my head. My body feels like it's bad quality and I can never manage to just close my eyes, calm myself down, and enjoy the music + think of nothing but the music... I'm at the point where I'm so stressed I can't even relax 'cause I'm now used to all this stress. I don't even know what's wrong with me to tell you the truth.. and that scares me even more.
Therapy. I've been accepted to medicaid, and my parents sent them a bill of $2,000 for the echos & ekgs. If they accept to pay that, I doubt they'll do anything else for me.
What do you mean by self-education and hard work? ... :L