Please, as much as you may feel as if you are a failure, you are * not * a failure . . . like all of us, we are in a process and at times we have set backs which reassure us that we are going forward (I know, it is a bit of weird logic but that's how I feel) . . . if you embrace that you a failure, like a self-fulfilling prophecy, you will allow anxiety brain to make that come true and you do not have to have that happen.
Sometimes we can project our anxieties on to triggers that might not otherwise be a trigger. For example, you had this type of event while flying, but this time you are traveling by car and boat. Enter anxiety brain to find another trigger to use . . . you have no idea where the anxiety about traveling by boat and car originates, but it could just be the same anxiety symptom in a different framework . . .
You mention that you do have Ativan so I am assuming that you have at least seen a GP about your anxiety. From your posting, and I am not a professional, you need to work with a professional to help you identify types of triggers for your anxiety and then to help guide you to develop strategies . . . .different people use different strategies depending on who we are and our experiences so there is not a one size fits all approach. You may have a tolerance to Ativan which you need to discuss with your prescribing doctor. But, let me address your other issue that you feel that if you take Ativan that you will do something crazy . . . .well, you won't and you certainly not be stuck on a boat . . . .for one thing, I don't think your boyfriend and parents would leave you behind . . .
Please do not judge either yourself or your family and boyfriend too harshly . . . for those folks who do not suffer from anxiety, it is often difficult for them to understand and all they can come up with is "it will be okay" . . . well, it will be okay but that does not address your ongoing issues . . . you need help to find a process to make it okay on an ongoing basis and it can be okay . . . by the time you read this, if I understand your itinerary, you will be in the middle of your trip home . . . .you will be okay . . . .it probably won't be a pleasant trip, but, for now, you need to take one day at a time and as soon as you are back home, get to a professional therapist . . . don't rely on meds . . . .for many, they are great as a bridge, but I think if you want to be anxiety and phobia free, you need to start working on where the anxiety begins . . .with you . . . .
Right now, nothing that I or anyone else says will probably be believable to you and that is probably as it should be as we each have to make our reality as we go through the process of dealing with anxiety, but you can do it . . . .you need to start with small steps and build up; you need to trust that you have the inner strength to engage anxiety and manage it; and you need to know that even though your loved ones are not much help from your perspective, you need to help them to understand what you are going through and talk * with * them and, if they cannot support you, then you will need to engage others who will.
Your symptoms are not unusual and sometimes we have to hit rock bottom to start the process . . . .so, please let us know how you did with your trip home, what your plans are, and come here for whatever reason . . . even if it is just to check in, to chat with someone, to seek our input and we are not offended if you don't use it . . . .take what you will from our group and give what you can to support us . . .we sincerely appreciate you as part of all of our processes . . .take care, KC