A little scared

[notwaving]

You guys, I've been dealing with migraines and a general depression--I can't explain how, but they seem connected-- for the last few months and something occurred to me tonight that scared me. I really need to know if others have experienced this. It's hard to explain, but I don't feel painfully depressed (I have in the past and this is different) -- it's more like there's this darkness in my life that didn't used to be here, and I'm afraid that there's some part of me that's nurturing or enjoying it. Does this make sense to any of you? It's like this nasty thing has become my pet and I want to be alone with it so I can take care of it and enjoy being morbid all on my own. This sounds so twisted. I know it can't be good. Am I the only one who has felt this way?

[sanderella]

I think I have at times nurtured my own negativity and wallowed in misery and self-pity, if that's the kind of thing you're talking about. I haven't wanted to try and engage with people; it's been easier to just hide in my "hole" and let this be who I am, almost like something to hide behind, something to distance me from the challenges I really should be facing. If that's what it is... I don't think it's a scary thing, just part of the process, it takes a while to get up the courage to tackle things.

[notwaving]

Thank you, Sanderella (neat name). I guess you and I are talking about the same thing. Maybe it is just the nature of the beast--of course when you feel unwell and sad you need to be alone before you can get up the nerve to face the world. I still sometimes have a worry that I am *enjoying* this pain, though--it's so hard to put into words, and I know that doesn't quite make sense. Sometimes I am worried that there's something very wrong with me.