I started back to school (a new semester) on the 7th. I wanted to and will continue to aim for improvement from last semester and the year before that. ( side note: I made a New Years Resolution to be positive ... so far so good.) On Saturday and Sunday I tried to remain positive despite feeling under the weather. I realized later that it was anxiety that was causing the yucky feelings. I had full intentions of going to class, but as the time for me to get going approached I became nervous/anxious and avoided. I drove around, all the while feeling guilty and disappointed. But, I took it as a stepping stone to learn from. Anxiety had/ and has caused me issues that mimic the flu so I give into them and stay home from class or other things, but feel guilty while I know that I should be in class and nothing is wrong. Sometimes its difficult to distinguish the difference between what is real and what isn't especially when feeling vulnerable-- but instead of beating myself up for any slip ups, I'm going to continue to look at them as learning experiences with hopes that I can decrease the frequency of them. I also have to keep in mind that they will spike during monthly hormone surges and to keep remembering to think positive.
While I didn't go to class on Monday, I did Tuesday. Even though I had a panic attack while waiting to get into the classroom. It was so silly too. The class is in the basement and I felt like I couldn't escape. I used positive thinking that nothing bad was going to happen and if I started to breathe normally (apparently when I start overthinking things and panic I hold my breath which exacerbates things. lol. I'm sure this is probably familiar). Anyways, I got through the class and was quite happy. Going to keep this experience for a lesson on how to keep positive.
Tomorrow (Wednesday) I don't have class, though I do drive my sister in for her school and then will go to the library to stay ahead on assignments (which is another thing I'm going to focus on so I'm not overly stressed out). Also need to make an appointment to see my therapist and my disability counsellor. I have the majority of my assignments all written down on my 2 month calendar. I asked my CBT if it was ok to have OCD in regards to organizing. Personally I think it's a slippery slope, but he thinks it good as it will keep me from being stress-free and not have to worry about last minute assignments.
Alrighty, I'm off for now. Just thought I'd stop in to share my journey with school as many of you have been there for me and helping me through this. I seriously cannot believe how much I've come along since I first posted in here over a year ago. To look back then and the rock bottom that I hit in 2011 to now where I feel that, even though it's a daily uphill battle, to know that it gets better-- even if there's times where I'm sure that the sky is falling and I can't go no more, I know that it only lasts for a small while and being positive (which is something I'm trying to get accustomed to slowly but surely.) really does wonders. Wish I would've known this before, but of course, you have to learn things for yourself so that you can help others down the road.
Thanks again everyone. Will keep you updated.