I'll preface this by stating categorically that I am NOT suicidal. I am in fact, terrified of death. But lately random stray thoughts float through my head about it. My intrusive thoughts have never really manifested as "what ifs?" They manifest as more of a statement. I have gotten a lot better about giving my intrusive thoughts power over me, but every once in awhile, one knocks me down. My heart pounds and I'm angry and scared about a particular thought. The one that is really bothersome is that I have random thoughts about *****. Such as "If I got a friendship bracelet, it would keep me from killing myself." Which is odd, because I would never ***** whether I got a bracelet or not. I've been able to trace a lot of my intrusive thoughts back to their source and banish them, but this one kind of shakes me up still. I think that this one comes from the fear that intrusive thoughts or anxiety might bring me to a place that I've never been before. Has anyone dealt with this before. I can't go see a therapist yet because of insurance issues.
What bugs me most, is that yesterday, I had a good day and was feeling great and very positive. And then this one thought had darkened my day. I'm trying to look at it as just another thought, but it's so hard to treat it as such.