Feeling really at the edge

[SighNoMore]

I have had a very rough couple of days. The increase in the sweating at night has sent me over the edge. I developed a rash on my back and stomach and a bit on my legs last night, and I am feeling doomed that I have lymphoma. I am fairly certain I do not have any external node swelling. I have no weight loss, fatigue or fever that I know of. However the rash and the night sweats has me freaking.

I just want the fear and anxiety to go away. I am trying so hard to combat all of this, but I am losing ground. I just don't know what to do anymore. To top things off I am pregnant, which I am thrilled about, but I fear that I am going to get diagnosed with something horrid during the pregnancy.

This lymphoma fear is causing havoc in my life. I can feel my relationships starting to suffer, and I hate that with all of my being. I am just at the edge. Any advice?

[gcalex]

I presume you have seen a doctor who told you no lymphoma?

[SighNoMore]

In a round about way. I went to the doc in July freaked out. It wasn't my regular doctor. I mentioned the sweating and itching. She said I looked to have sensitive skin and said the sweats could be from anxiety. All my blood work came back fine, but I know you can't detect lymphoma via blood work. She felt the nodes in my neck and said they felt ok.

I fear that I have developed lymphoma as the sweats are worse, and now this rash.

[gcalex]

I think the question for you is, assuming you saw your regular doctor who said no this isn't lymphoma, which I presume would happen, would that do you any good or is your fear so great that you would just override that and keep worrying.

[SighNoMore]

Truthfully I think it would provide an initial reassurance, but I am not sure it would last. I think that I would sweat again, and freak out again.

The funny thing about my HA is I don't rush to the doctor frequently. I try and accept their word, but lose it again later.

[gcalex]

So it's the symptom that makes you doubt the doctor?   But it's not as if you have an unexplained symptom, you were given a perfectly coherent explanation -- the sweating could be anxiety.  Look around this forum to see how many people have the same symptom, surely you don't think they all really have lymphoma, do you?  So try to articulate why the medical advice doesn't resolve your fear.

[SighNoMore]

I totally get and understand what you are saying. I think my fear is that I continue to have the sweating, and it seems to have increased. Furthermore, I have itchy skin/rash. I feel like these symptoms are tied to what I fear, lymphoma. Unfortunately my brain is telling me to fear the worst, and not that they could be anxiety related.

I am going to the doctor this afternoon to put an end to this. My regular doctor was booked so I am seeing her nurse practitioner and laying it all out on the table. I have got to get past this and focus on my anxiety and getting past it, and not letting my anxiety rule me.

[gcalex]

Yep, that's what you have to do and where your focus should be.

[colls22]

Let us know what happens.

Btw, this board has helped me more than anything else I've tried.

[SighNoMore]

I went and told the PA all my fears, about my anxiety, and my symptoms. He checked the nodes in my neck and said they were perfect. He said the sweating could be from a number of sources, and since I have had it for a year it was most likely not anything sinister. He said it could be from the bad dreams I was having, possibly from the anxiety, and some people just begin to sweat sometimes. He said every person is different. He was not concerned at all about me having lymphoma. He said the fact that I only have two things on a long list of symtoms spoke to why I am most likely fine.

He even wrote on my check out form and highlighted it that I do not have lymphoma, and that my nodes felt perfectly normal. He said that I do have a rash and that it appeared to be nothing to worry about. He said that to just keep an eye on it.

He listened to my lungs as well and said they sounded great. I am trying to trust I really am ok. I just hate getting home and thinking well, with the rash and sweats surely this isn't normal and he missed something. I mean people who do have cancer sometimes say it takes forever to get diagnosed.

That thought pattern is ridiculous, and I realize it doesn't seem rational. I am just scared that I do have symptoms, and things have been missed. Ugh...gcalex see, temporary reassurance, and then back to the irrational fear.

[LindaRK]

Right now, your brain has just chosen to focus on the negative aspect of all of this - the symptoms you're experiencing.  Where you are now would probably do you no good to keep getting reassurance.  Something else needs to change.

When I go through a period of something like this, first thing I do is try and stay away from the computer - hard for me, since I work on the computer. LOL  That way, it keeps me from googling and searching out my symptoms.  Secondly, I exercise - I get out of the house - I engage not only my body, but my brain in something else.  It's a distraction .... but if you do it enough, it's training your brain to focus on something else.  After awhile, those initial thoughts don't cross your mind - or you might have a passing thought about your prior symptoms, but you won't focus on it like before.

[SighNoMore]

LindaRK, you are right. I am only focusing on the negatives. I think my fear stems from the idea that I are have g physical symptoms that others have witnessed, and my brain is trying to tie them to what I fear the most, cancer. I really struggle with realizing that the body can have aches, pains, rashes, etc and it not be something horrible.

I just fear something was missed and my physical symptoms are really something. You would think I would be dancing out the door to be told I was fine, but all I can think is what if they missed something and it's just taking a long time to be diagnosed. This is insane.

[colls22]

We really are so much alike - I too cannot dismiss physical symptoms as being nothing, and think that every ache, pain, rash, etc is something awful.

Try to look at it this way - you have one, maybe two, symptoms on a long list...on the other hand, you DO NOT have, let's say, a half dozen or more symptoms on that very same list. This is where the logic part comes in, right :)

Easy to say, incredibly hard to do.

[gcalex]

You are affirmatively REJECTING the reassurance you just received.  Try this -- write down every piece of objective evidence you have that would lead you to believe this PA missed something.  Your irrational, fearful, what if thinking is not evidence.  Write down the evidence.

[gcalex]

Do you freak out if you blush (your skin turns RED) when you are embarassed?  Do you think OMG I have some fatal disease?  If not why not?

[gcalex]

We really are so much alike - I too cannot dismiss physical symptoms as being nothing, and think that every ache, pain, rash, etc is something awful.

Try to look at it this way - you have one, maybe two, symptoms on a long list...on the other hand, you DO NOT have, let's say, a half dozen or more symptoms on that very same list. This is where the logic part comes in, right :)

Easy to say, incredibly hard to do.

Every one here is alike in many respects, at least those still struggling.  You deep down don't believe that your physical symptoms can be caused by anxiety, or by nothing at all.   I assure you you are absolutely wrong -- anxiety and stress are capable of causing devastating symptoms.  If you want to improve, you have to internalize this fact, and you have all the information necessary to do so already within your grasp.  Just relive a prior catastrophic fear that turned out to be false.  Well, you had symptoms then right?  So what caused them, if it wasn't the disease you feared?  Anxiety and stress.  So if they caused THOSE symptoms, why not your present ones, particularly where a doctor has confirmed that to be the case? 

This is key concept #1, and until you get past it you will stay in the cycle of fear. 

[SighNoMore]

I am really struggling. I still have this stupid rash. OB thought it was a contact allergy, derm says it is pregnancy induced rash. I am freaking out after reading lymphoma boards a while back that many had rashes and no one could identify it. I have been told that since my blood work is fine, my external nodes are fine, that lymphoma is not on the table. However, I can't shake the fear due to the rash and the sweating.

I am making myself sick with worry!

[gcalex]

Look around you at all the people here who have thought, or think, they have lymphoma and are WRONG.  Are you REALLY the one case that is different?

[SighNoMore]

Great point. I often feel like it could be me because it has to hit someone, right?
I know faulty thinking right there!!

[SighNoMore]

I just can't handle this. I live every day in fear. The sweating, and now this horrid rash. I am so afraid I am being misdiagnosed. So many people talk about having a rash and being told it is something else. I just don't know what to do.

I just want all the pain and fear to end.

[Fenway77]

I hear ya!  It's hard living in constant fear.  It robs us of what we should be enjoying.  I've come to terms with the fact that I'll never be rid of my anxiety...but I'm doing my best to live with it...and live with it as comfortably as I can.

Yes, there is often the fear of being misdiagnosed.  It's a vicious, vicious cycle.  We go to the doctor, the doctor checks us out, the doctor says nothing is wrong, we leave feeling relieved...but then the doubt starts creeping in: what if the doctor missed something or what if the doctor didn't know what to look for or what if I didn't make my concerns clear enough?  It's a terrible game to start...and I know how powerless it can feel.

I, personally, try to remind myself that my doctor is a professional.  I remind myself that I trust my doctor (if I could not say that...then I would immediately find a new doctor).  I trust my doctor's judgement.  My doctor knows my medical history.  My doctor has examined me personally.  My doctor has used his training and experience to weigh the results and come up with the best explanation.

[vardnas]

I just can't handle this. I live every day in fear. The sweating, and now this horrid rash. I am so afraid I am being misdiagnosed. So many people talk about having a rash and being told it is something else. I just don't know what to do.

I just want all the pain and fear to end.

Okay, so what, in your mind, are your options? What do you think you could or should do right now to feel better about your situation?

You say you want all the pain and fear to end, but you do know that that's not something that will just happen overnight, right? Sometimes the best thing to do, as awful as it feels, is to sit with your fear. Sit and do nothing. It will subside eventually if you stop feeding it. And right now, you can't feed it fast enough. So often we hypos are all like, "why won't it stop, I just want it to stop," when the reality is we actually HAVE the power to make it stop, but rarely do we use it. Sigh, I think you know that you're standing in your own way of feeling better. It's up to you to find a way to short circuit your fear cycle.

[Fenway77]

I just can't handle this. I live every day in fear. The sweating, and now this horrid rash. I am so afraid I am being misdiagnosed. So many people talk about having a rash and being told it is something else. I just don't know what to do.

I just want all the pain and fear to end.

Okay, so what, in your mind, are your options? What do you think you could or should do right now to feel better about your situation?

You say you want all the pain and fear to end, but you do know that that's not something that will just happen overnight, right? Sometimes the best thing to do, as awful as it feels, is to sit with your fear. Sit and do nothing. It will subside eventually if you stop feeding it. And right now, you can't feed it fast enough. So often we hypos are all like, "why won't it stop, I just want it to stop," when the reality is we actually HAVE the power to make it stop, but rarely do we use it. Sigh, I think you know that you're standing in your own way of feeling better. It's up to you to find a way to short circuit your fear cycle.

Well said!  I completely agree.

[gcalex]

I just can't handle this. I live every day in fear. The sweating, and now this horrid rash. I am so afraid I am being misdiagnosed. So many people talk about having a rash and being told it is something else. I just don't know what to do.

I just want all the pain and fear to end.

Can you give us one GOOD reason you are rejecting the medical advice you received that you do NOT have lymphoma? 

[Hohum]

As a fellow lymphoma-HA sufferer I have to agree with the above comments! For me, receiving an all-clear diagnosis from the Doctor is the trigger for my fears to disappear. It sounds like this doesn't work for you - so what does?

I know you're not in a rational place right now, as we've all been there, but as an outsider let me say that night-sweats and rashes can be anything. Your HA-brain has just latched on to the most awful (and least likely) cause and is running with it.

One of my wife's co-workers has a husband with Lymphoma. She said that his night-sweats were every single night and drenching. Not just damp, but literally like someone had dragged him into the shower in his sleep, then put him back to bed again! At this point, he had easily palpable lymph nodes in multiple areas of his body (did not self-check, had never been for a physical or for a Dr's appt in years, etc).

The horror stories of "Doctor missed XYZ symptoms" make up a tiny percentage of those diagnosed with Lymphoma. In turn, Lymphoma diagnosis makes up a tiny percentage of people with anything close to the symptoms you describe.

If you've seen a Doc who can't find anything of concern, then it's very likely because there's nothing of concern to find.