Author Topic: I've had enough (Read 463 times)

sassparella · « **on:** January 08, 2013, 06:46:42 AM »

A year and a half ago my HA got so bad I ended up having a breakdown and was in hospital for three weeks and put on Luvox and Zyprexa. I think it started a few months before when my dad died which was the trigger for my HA to rear it's ugly head again after years of feeling pretty much OK. For a while these drugs helped but then I started to get worried about taking these drugs and the effect they might have on me. Now I'm cutting down on the Zyprexa with the hope that I will come off them next month but I've read awful accounts of withdrawal side effects and am panicking about it. On top of that I have my night sweats which are worrying me, a lump on my liver which my doctor is happy to leave at a 'most likely' a hemangioma and I'm worried is cancer, fear about my heart as I still get weird chest feelings when I wake up in the morning. It is all becoming overwhelming.

My husband has given up on me and won't discuss anything to do with my HA anymore and my therapy is just not working. I don't know what to do any more I'm at my wits end. Add to this that my husband's job is very tenuous and he could lose it any minute and the stress is just too much. I have tried breathing exercises but find it very hard to do as when I concentrate on my breathing I get breathless and panic. I've just had enough. I just wish this would all stop and I could feel normal again.

Fenway77 · « **Reply #1 on:** January 08, 2013, 12:49:48 PM »

It's definitely tough! My wife has always been very understanding...but it's also very tough for her to understand. She wants to understand...but I cannot fully describe the gnawing fear and the round-the-clock anxiety that just takes control of my life. I, too, wish I could shut it off. I want to feel normal...but I've come to terms that I probably never will feel normal. I don't think true anxiety is a condition that ever just goes away...but we can learn to live with it so that it doesn't control us. It's sort of like making peace with the nasty mother-in-law! For me, the best things that work have been medication and CBT. I have my good days and I have my really bad days. As far as the medication is concerned...have you talked to your doctor about your concerns? I'd definitely do that if you have not done so. If the medicine is helping...you might not have to come off of it...or maybe there is another medication that you could take long term? I guess just take each day one at a time. Try not to worry too far down the road. Worry about putting one foot in front of the next. Things will get better. Hang in there!!

SighNoMore · « **Reply #2 on:** January 08, 2013, 01:12:54 PM »

I am exactly where you are, sass. My husband is very understanding, but doesn't get the full scope of what is going on. I am in counseling, but feel like I am spinning my wheels. My counselor has never treated someone with HA so sometimes I think we are missing each other.

I suffer from the night sweats as you know, and I itch. Thus I must have lymphoma. I fear it so much, and I can't seem to shut that fear off. I hate it so, so much! Praying that we both find some peace. I started a similar thread today because I am just at the edge. So tired of dealing with all of this. SO tired.

Cattia · « **Reply #3 on:** January 08, 2013, 05:10:53 PM »

I understand how you feel. My HA is threatening my marriage because my husband just can't understand my obsessive worries. He tries to offer me advice and gets frustrated when it doesn't help. I don't blame him really because it must be hard to understand but at the same time I kind of wish he had some insight into just how powerful and overwhelming these thoughts and feelings are. He seems to think that if I wanted to I could choose to switch them off which kind of makes me feel like he blames me for being this way. I don't know what the answer is but I hope that it helps you to know that other people can relate to what you're experiencing. If your meds are helping at all then maybe now isn't the best time to cut down. Give yourself one battle at a time. Work on getting more stable first then maybe worry about your meds after that.

sassparella · « **Reply #4 on:** January 08, 2013, 09:37:16 PM »

thank you all for the replies and the understanding

I want to stop taking the med and my psychiatrist agrees because it is affecting my blood sugar, my last fasting blood sugar was borderline high so I need to come off them and I don't really want to take anything else to replace them I'm already on BP med and an SSRI so feel that is enough. My psych also agreed with that.

I feel terrible this morning. Woke up with some really bad sweats last night and weird feelings in my chest again that were the worse they've been. My doctor just says it's anxiety causing the weird feeling but I'm sure it's not as I get them even when I'm not anxious and they don't feel like anxiety - I have woken up anxious many times and this feels different. I'm really struggling at the moment

annoyingwife21 · « **Reply #5 on:** January 08, 2013, 09:56:23 PM »

Goodness, I feel for you. I was where you were at one week ago! My HA was triggered by the death of my husbands grandpa at the end of October. I had never had anxiety before and the PCP had to put me on zoloft and 2mg of Xanax per day to calm me down. I thought I was dying-I was sweating at night I swore I had lymphoma. I then thought I had leakemia after the lymphoma was rulled out, then MS/ALS, then a brain tumor, and then I thought I had pancreatic cancer ( I am still slightly worried about that one) I am 25. My husband is a paramedic and I have driven him up a wall about my constant worry-he is still supportive though. Please keep in mind your PCP knows best, did you go to school to be the doctor or did they-so who should you listen to? Also your mind will convince you that you have something horrible going on! My mind obviously has bounced around to a million different things. I am happy to say that I quit the zoloft cold turkey and did a quick taper off the xanax, the first 5 days WERE HORRIBLE. I thought I had the flu, my anxiety was through the roof but I do feel better being off of them so I would encourage to try and get off the meds. There are other solutions, there is a great product PHARMA Gaba, my whole foods store suggested it for me and it does help a lot (they have it on Amazon if you don't have a Whole Foods kind of store around you) also TRANQUIL sleep (an all natural sleep AID has worked GREAT, you need to get you body into a deep sleep to wake up feeling more refreshed. Drink some calming tea before bed. Your ok, anxiety is an illness of its own and you need to get the strength to overcome it.

annoyingwife21 · « **Reply #6 on:** January 08, 2013, 10:00:16 PM »

We can all get through this together! Just keep posting your worries-don't let them fester. Keep in mind we all know what your going though and if we say we have been through the same thing-just accept its anxiety. We wouldn't lie to you.

colls22 · « **Reply #7 on:** January 08, 2013, 10:37:00 PM »

Sassparella, one important thing to remember - our minds are tricky. You don't have to be in what you perceive to be an anxious state for a symptom to come around. They just come, sometimes when we think we are feeling okay. That's what gets us so scared. Believe me, I struggle with this exact thing.

sassparella · « **Reply #8 on:** January 09, 2013, 12:32:53 AM »

I'm dying, I know I am. If not from lymphoma or liver cancer then from something wrong with my heart causing these weird sensations in the morning. I'm so scared I don't know what to do. I can't go to the doctor unless I have some new symptoms but the ones I have are just getting to me and frightening me. I don't know how I'm going to get through this.
I'm dying I know I am.

sbl1234 · « **Reply #9 on:** January 09, 2013, 01:03:22 AM »

You have had HA for at least a year and a half. And you have not died or gotten a serious disease. How many things have you thought you had have you actually been diagnosed with? You may be experiencing real symptoms, but that does not mean that you have a disease. People with HA are often hypersensitive to their bodies and notice normal "noise" that other people don't. Also, anxiety can cause a lot of symptoms, and you can experience them even if you are not anxious at that very moment. Anxiety puts you in a fight or flight state, and the effects can linger. I often experienced symptoms such as burning and pin and needles when I was not especially anxious. My chest is frequently heavy. You are going through a lot now, but you can deal with it, and things can get better. If therapy is not helpful, it might be time to find a new therapist.

sassparella · « **Reply #10 on:** January 09, 2013, 06:56:37 AM »

so now I'm sitting up worrying I'm going to die in my sleep. I had a bad night last night and didn't get a lot of sleep and feel tired and woozy tonight. I'm terrified that I'm going to wake up in the early hours having a heart attack or a stroke or something else fatal, I'm not sure if I'm going to get any sleep tonight

sassparella · « **Reply #11 on:** January 09, 2013, 07:29:31 AM »

off to try and get some sleep. Hopefully I'll still be here tomorrow

SighNoMore · « **Reply #12 on:** January 09, 2013, 06:34:22 PM »

How are you sass? I share so many of your fears! Praying you got some sleep! How is the sweating going?

Annoyingwife, thanks for sharing! I could identify with so much of what you said! I am fixated on lymphoma, and I hate that. I have a couple of symptoms; thus I must have it. I have been told I don't, but I still freak out!

sassparella · « **Reply #13 on:** January 09, 2013, 09:14:35 PM »

I'm OK, Sigh. I got some sleep last night but it was broken by sweats again they're really freaking me out and this morning I weighed myself and I've lost weight so that's worrying me too.

SighNoMore · « **Reply #14 on:** January 09, 2013, 09:34:02 PM »

When I have high anxiety I drop weight so, so quickly, even if I am eating normally. I bet it is anxiety related.

gcalex · « **Reply #15 on:** January 09, 2013, 09:44:38 PM »

Quote from: sassparella on January 09, 2013, 09:14:35 PM

I'm OK, Sigh.

Keep telling yourself that!!

sassparella · « **Reply #16 on:** January 09, 2013, 10:09:53 PM »

Thanks calex :) I do keep trying to tell myself that but my brain refuses to believe it. I keep thinking that weight loss + night sweats = cancer.

gcalex · « **Reply #17 on:** January 09, 2013, 10:24:30 PM »

Quote from: sassparella on January 09, 2013, 10:09:53 PM

Thanks calex :) I do keep trying to tell myself that but my brain refuses to believe it. I keep thinking that weight loss + night sweats = cancer.

Do you think the other people on the forum who complain of night sweats also have it?

sassparella · « **Reply #18 on:** January 09, 2013, 10:51:31 PM »

Quote from: gcalex on January 09, 2013, 10:24:30 PM

Quote from: sassparella on January 09, 2013, 10:09:53 PM
Thanks calex :) I do keep trying to tell myself that but my brain refuses to believe it. I keep thinking that weight loss + night sweats = cancer.

Do you think the other people on the forum who complain of night sweats also have it?

tbh a lot of night sweat threads I've read people have occasional sweats or have just had a sweat that night. I have mine regularly several times a night every night. The general physician I saw said there's good news and bad news, the good news is I can find nothing wrong with you the bad news is I have no idea why you are having the night sweats. Hardly a boost to confidence. So the doctors have just left it at that. Now I'm getting weight loss as well as the sweats. The only hope I have that the sweats are because of my age I'm 48 and know you can be near menopause at that age, but I have no other symptoms of menopause and as night sweats are meant to be the night time version of hot flashes which I'm not getting I'm not convinced it's menopause and my hormone blood tests were normal.
But the night sweats are very real as is the weight loss

SighNoMore · « **Reply #19 on:** January 09, 2013, 11:00:32 PM »

Sass, I have had my sweats for a year now. While not drenching, they are enough to make me very damp. They occur regularly, and happen several times a night for me as well. You are not alone!

sassparella · « **Reply #20 on:** January 09, 2013, 11:27:18 PM »

thanks SighNoMore. Yes mine aren't drenching as such mainly down my chest, stomach and legs but those areas are very wet enough to make the sheets damp but not soaked through. It's very scary to have this every night, knowing it's a sign of cancer and knowing that the doctors don't know why I'm getting it.

sassparella · « **Reply #21 on:** January 10, 2013, 11:55:39 PM »

Another bad night of sweats

It doesn't help that I'm also suffering from bad insomnia at the moment as I'm cutting down on one of my meds (the sweats started before I started cutting down so it's not related). The meds have a sedative side effect so I'm getting bad rebound insomnia as I cut down I've only had 3-4 hours sleep at night the last two weeks. I feel awful today, tired and scared. I wish this would all go away and I could feel normal again.

colls22 · « **Reply #22 on:** January 11, 2013, 12:31:28 AM »

Oh, you're in the UK! I was wondering how you had already passed through a whole night.

Isn't it an awful feeling, being scared to go to sleep? I try not to think about getting a sweat, but I know my mind is on it. I wake up several times during the night, and the first thing I do is put my hand down my top to check for any sweat.

Argh.

sassparella · « **Reply #23 on:** January 11, 2013, 01:25:45 AM »

I'm in Australia so our time is well out from yours :)

My insomnia is a mixture of fear to go to sleep and also a result of cutting down on sedating meds. I take ages to go to sleep then wake up a lot each time with sweats and I know what you mean the first thing I do is check for a sweat

It feels like it's never ending. I just wish I could go back to how I was two years ago before all this started, it feels like this is how I'm going to be for the rest of my life now.

mellon · « **Reply #24 on:** January 11, 2013, 07:33:46 AM »

Hi I'm new here - I just read your post. My heart goes out to you as I've been and still am where you are. This is a great place to share your fears, when you can't with those closest to you. I know the fear is all consuming when you try to sleep but just don't put pressure on yourself to fall asleep. Try to read or do puzzles, watch a movie or reach out to someone here whatever time it is. Sometimes just writing your worries down and communicating with someone can ease your mind. I'm also in Oz and quite often awake in the early hours, so I'll check for your messages.