Hi my name is Simone, I wrote here a while ago about having what I thought may be pure O and some of my symptoms, but it's got more distressing...
I'm seeing a psychiatrist next month but I thought I would write as it would be good to talk about how I'm feeling before I go to the doc.
I'm 35 and was diagnosed with depression when I was 16, I thought that was all I had but as the years have gone by I've come to realise that a big cause of my depression were thoughts I'd have.
The earliest I recall was when I was 17 and I had this really strong urge to hit my friend, it shocked and scared me, I also used to worry that I might hurt a child, I remember the thoughts going over and over in my head 'what if I want to abuse a child?" and it would horrify me.
over the years I've also had thoughts stick in a loop, things like "why are we here? why do humans look the way they do? why do we have interests and emotions? why do I think someones attractive? arn't eyes and noses very strange things, are our features actually really bizarre?" I'll think on these things for what seems morning till I go to bed, I search the web for answers and feel relief but then I think on them again the next day.
The worst thing though is I have two nephews, aged one and two, I've never had the urge to have children but I do love kids and when my nephews were born I was so proud! I love them more than anything and they are my pride and joy. I live in Alberta, Canada and they are in Saskatoon so I take a 8 hour bus ride to see them every couple of months. and spend a few days with them, we play and do crafts and have so much fun. but when I'm with them, thoughts pop in my head like "what if I cut them', what if I beat them?" and even more graphic violent thoughts, I was kissing his cheek and had the urge to bite, horrible violent thoughts, just typing this to you makes me emotional and sad, it feels like a strong urge, like an itch, and I think "what if I just do it?" then I imagine, the after effects, the anguish of it, I look at pictures of them when I get home and it breaks my heart to think of anything happening to them, but when I'm with them, these feelings come back strong, I want to enjoy every minute I have with the boys because I don't get to see them all the time, I phone them often and *****, and I think the proudest thing in my life is being their auntie.
I was reading a blog and someone was saying that people do give in to impulses when it comes to say, "if I dont wash my hands I'll get sick" and they wash their hands over and over, I worry when I have the urge to harm and what if I gave in to the impulse, is that the same as giving in to say washing your hands, or turning the light off and on. I'm not a violent person, I've never even been in a physical fight, I do like zombie movies and scary films but like I say, the ones with zombies, the fantasy horror, I can't watch films with child abuse, rape...
I've not been diagnosed with Pure O, I did see a psychiatrist about a year ago and asked if I could have a form of OCD as I didn't have any physical things I did, but I had obsessive thoughts, she said "oh no, if you had OCD you'd be washing your hands constantly or something like that"
So I suppose writing to you, I'm just asking do you think it sounds like Pure O? am I crazy? I know I'm distressed, I work at a library, in the childrens section doing storytime and other programs and find thoughts take up so much of my time, it's hard to focus on my projects, if it's not the violent thoughts it's the ones about "why do we have feelings? why do we have skin and not fur?" very random stuff that I know logically isn't important.