Divorce and Anxiety

[Aquaticape]

My wife and I have been trying to make things better for the past year or so.  It has always been a relationship of ups and downs. Both could go for days or months. We have a 9 and 11 year old. We decided just the other day that the time has come. Too much arguing in front of the kids and constantly not making each other happy. It is really tough but I do know it is the better thing to do. Now for the depression and anxiety.....
My skin has been crawling the past few days and the anxiety attacks are in waves. I have fear of living alone. I have spent the last 15 years so close to all her family and friends that I feel like I am losing so much.....not to mention my two great kids. It makes me so sad. 
I have been pretty anxiety free for the past few years. I still take Paxil but only 12.5 per day. I am sure I will be needing to bump that up again. Last time I had this about 10 years ago I fought the use of meds for months. When I finally met a phsych he said together out of his office if I will not take what he suggested. He was right. With in a couple weeks things started to feel much better. I have a doctors appt. tomorrow to bumps this up.
I still have no idea how I am going to proceed and make it through the next little while as we sell our house and I will have to find a new place to live. Everything feels like it will change so much. How will I be able to function as a parent with anxiety and depression as well as not seeing my kids. What will I do with my time. How will I make new friendships. I am scared

[tinam7]

First I want to say how sorry I am for your situation. Second, I am so very saddened at the frequency and seeming ease of divorce with young children. I may be all wrong, but is there no way, no willingness to try and recover what you once had together? Try counseling together? Try and think of your children?

I can speak to this because I went to all lengths to keep an intact home for my once young children. Very hard as it was, at the end of my life I see it as my one important accomplishment. Just sharing my experience for whatever it may be worth. Maybe nothing, but I'll try for children anytime.

[laura124]

I have been married for 21 years unhappily.  I have been through sooooooo much in our relationship....I went through the period when the kids were young and he was never home and did what he pleased, often lying about where he was, not showing up for little league games, standing me up for important events in my life, etc. I tried to hide the fighting from my kids but it's hard and frustrating. I was miserable but I was too SCARED to divorce. Then I found out about a woman "friend" bartender that sold beer at the train station.  He was calling her many times during the day.  He first lied about the number but when I kept calling it finally admitted that she was only a friend and that he definitely didn't cheat.  I really didn't believe it but I was too SCARED to divorce.  So, I miserably stayed in a very unhealthy relationship.  Then, I found out that he was subscribing to a porn service that charges 25.00 a month and he picked a woman named Susan, PTA mom during the day and sex slave at night.  We were having sex 3-4 times a week but he said that was not enough.  I felt betrayed and depressed but I was too SCARED to get a divorce.  I also went through a lot with my kids too.  He called our daughter a c*** when she was 11 years old, he pointed an unloaded shot gun at our son to scare him into going to school, tried to choke him for wanting a PS3,  amongst other things.  I live in a constant state of fear that he may snap and something tragic could happen between my son and him. My son is now 17 years old and has severe anxiety/panic disorder, and ADD.  My family doesn't know why I stay with him, some of my friends don't even talk to me because I stay.  Nobody understands.  I'm now 45 years old and have been living with anxiety for 15 years and depression.

I'm telling you my story because I know the feeling of being so scared of the unknown and such change that you just don't think your strong enough to handle it.  So for me, I hung on to a miserable, unhealthy relationship because of being SCARED.  And my kids, now 19 and 17 years old, have no respect for me for staying.  It hasn't helped them at all growing up in this kind of family environment.  So many times I have come SO close to doing it--I saw a lawyer twice and chickened out, always thinking about the good times or the good traits, always questioning my decision, always professing my love to him.  I truly believe if I had the self-esteem to know that I would get through it and I wasn't so SCARED, I could have moved on and perhaps been HAPPY.  A word I forgot the meaning of.  And my kids could have been so much better off.  So you know, it's like prolonging the inevitable--I might end up getting divorced or might not but the truth is I'm not happy and want a change so badly.  So yes, it will be painful and you might not find "instant" happiness but in the long run, you will get through it.  It's better than what I'm going through right now.  peace

[tinam7]

I am so very sorry for your awful situation. There are no easy answers, for sure.

He needs help for his addiction just like any other addiction such as alcohol or drugs. Yes, it is scary, very scary and perhaps you can both be helped. You cannot be the professional he needs but maybe can be the friend to help him get well. After all, you've known each other a long time, share your children and everyone could perhaps be helped. Wishing you and your family the very best.

[laura124]

As far as my situation goes and him getting help for his porn addiction--I've tried!  I went to graduate school for psychology/counseling and I know one thing--you can't be helped unless you want help.  Every time I forced him into marriage counseling, he would show up with this attitude like "can you help my crazy wife?" The last psychologist saw me, my husband and my son--my daughter refused to go.  She said we were the worse case she's ever seen.  My son has so much anger toward him and the family dynamic is extremely negative.  I live in a constant state of fear that they will get into it and someone will get very hurt or killed.  He has several hunting shot guns in the house.  I have asked him to get them out but he refuses.  There has been incidents where I left the two of them alone just to run to the grocery store and my husband is chasing my son with a hack saw and I had to pick up my son, in the winter, barefoot, down the street.  You wonder why I have anxiety/depression?  And my health anxiety gets so bad because of all my physical symptoms.  I wonder if I would have gotten out of this marriage 15 years ago if that would have helped my son with his issues.  It makes me feel so guilty.

[GenSec]

Yes, the sad reality is that sometimes divorce/seperation is the best option for the sake of children. Not all marriages can nor should be saved. Remaining in a toxic relationship can also be very damaging to your own sense of Self.

My parents were together for alomst 20 years, and as far as i can remember (the last 14 years of it) my mother was deeply unhappy. My father was highly selfish, mentally abusive, and had no time for me. But my mother was so ground down that she could see no other alternative in life, even when she ended up in a mental hospital a couple of times. Her doctors all told her to leave my father, but still she wouldn't take the plunge. My father refused all forms of relationship help because as far as he was concerned he was perfect and everyone else had the problem, they were the idiots. The simple harsh truth is that you cannot help someone who doesn't want to change.
My mother also had this old fashioned (erroneous) belief that it was always better for children to have both parents together no matter what. In fact, more and more people are starting to realise today that an absent parent is better than a deadbeat or abusive one.  Thank goodness. A toxic marriage/parent can lumber a child with a lifetime of personal issues. My father had zero time nor respect for me and he never hid it, which affected my sense of self-esteem for a very long time. It would have been better if i had been brought up by my mother as a loving, single parent.

Thankfully, one day my mother realised things couldn't get any worse than they were and she left him. I was still in my mid-teens at that time but i (along with my sibling) encouraged her to finally be free of him, and i must say that all of our lives improved immeasurably. Its amazing how one toxic controlling person can come to make the lives of everyone else around them so miserable just out of pure spite. My mother's only regret now is that she didn't do it many years before.

As for my father... i've never seen him again in years. Surprise. However the feeling of utter disdain is mutual, believe me.

All i can say is that divorce is not easy, far from it; just look at the accounts of Aquaticape and Laura. If two people can no longer work together then there is no point in using marriage as a tool to manacle them together as it indeed was in days gone by.

Wising everyone here the best with their situations,
Gen.

[tinam7]

As you may imagine I've been around the block on this topic many times and am always willing to concede I might be wrong. What the heck, I still might drag the old boy to the legal department. "The children are old enough" goes the joke. Your situation, Laura, is serious, to be sure. Yet sometimes in such cases things get even worse if he is reported to the authorities. A big, big problem.

What about the Dept. of Love, GS? Did you forget? Maybe Aquatic and wife could benefit and perhaps even Laura and spouse. Just trying to find a safe way out with damage control.

[GenSec]

As you may imagine I've been around the block on this topic many times and am always willing to concede I might be wrong. What the heck, I still might drag the old boy to the legal department. "The children are old enough" goes the joke. Your situation, Laura, is serious, to be sure. Yet sometimes in such cases things get even worse if he is reported to the authorities. A big, big problem.

What about the Dept. of Love, GS? Did you forget? Maybe Aquatic and wife could benefit and perhaps even Laura and spouse. Just trying to find a safe way out with damage control.

Yes, we sure have been around the block on this topic many times now haven't we?

The Dept. of Love would take on couples on a case by case basis, recognising however that for some people - and children - divorce is sometimes the best option for all concerned.

Its not that you're wrong, dear T. Its just that every marriage is different... some can be saved, whereas others are beyond help. I'm not against folks seeking relationship counselling and everything - i'm sure that for some people it can and does succeed at saving their marriage.

If you were to drag the old boy to the legal department, you could trade him in for a younger model, ha ha! Out with the (very) old and in with the new!
 
And there's no need for any damage control, we're all friends here.

Regards,
Gen.

[laura124]

Gen,
Your mother's situation seems similar to mine.  My son and daughter try to talk me into a divorce all the time. When he's not home we all feel so relaxed and peaceful. My husband, like your dad, thinks we're all useless idiots.  I have also felt that he resents having to financially take care of us.  His maturity level is so low my 17 year old son has surely surpassed it.  He is unable to feel any paternal bond it seems.  Even when we agree that one of our kids misbehaved or is on the wrong track, he handles it in a very demeaning manner---not like a loving father figure. 

At the end of the summer my son was so excited to get his driver license.  He has low self-esteem and high anxiety and was so apprehensive about getting it.  I encouraged him and although, a year later than all of his friends, he got it on his 17th birthday.  Second day he was backing out of the garage and, very tight fit, when he hit the side of the garage/house by accident.  He was crying and so upset.  He's so dramatic about things like this I was afraid he might hurt himself, really!  Well, his father called him every name in the book, belittled him in front of his friends, I just couldn't believe it. The screaming wouldn't stop, I begged him to stop.  My son ends up throwing a plastic water bottle at him, he goes after my son says he's going to bury him, I get in front of my son and get pushed by my husband several times--ALL in front of my neighbors!!!!!  That's just the day in the life of Laura's world!  I know how your mother must have felt!!  I've been close to feeling like I'm having a nervous breakdown! I am not even a confrontational person..was very quiet growing up. 

I am sure that when I leave my husband, he will have no interest in seeing his kids again.  My daughter already said that she wants my dad (her grandpa) to walk her down the isle on her wedding day.

A side note about family values:  My husbands father was physically and mentally abusive to his wife and kids---definitely worse than my husband is.  His mother stayed until he died.  She is now 78 years old and married to a wonderful widowed man.  But the point is, the very thing he hated the most about his father he is repeating.  It is because he did not have a good role model.  The only man that taught him how to be a father was a horrible abusive man.  Yes, he would have been better off being raised by a loving single mother.  And my mother inlaw has guilt to this day.  That's why I know the importance of getting my son the help he needs.  My husband refuses to pay but my family has offered to.

Ahh, it feels good to write all of this down.  Thank you soooo much.  I didn't mean to hog the attention since this wasn't my post.  Well, Aquaticape,if your still there, I wish you the best. 

[vlariche1]

 Hello there! I would recommend you stop taking paxil, these drugs only mask your problems not to mention have negative side effects on your brain chemistry and personality short term and long term. You should to tackle the problem yourself..your strong enough. I recommend exploring your creative self. Is there something that interests you or that you enjoy doing? Find a hobby that you can do every week that makes you feel good (yoga, working out, painting learning an instrument, dancing, ect.) This will help you to take your mind off of the divorce and what you are loosing. It seems to me that you are starting a new chapter in your life. This inst the end this is the beginning of the rest of your life. Live in the present moment and do what makes you happy! Keep up positive thinking and you will receive positive results. Deep stomach breathing and yoga are both great ways to treat anxiety as well as staying away from caffeine and food that contains preservatives. This is a much healthier more effective treatment then the drugs.  Good luck!