Hello, not entirely sure where to begin, but I ought suppose I should just get down to business.
I am a 18 year old male from Portland Oregon, and I am currently about to start college.
I do not remember the last time I was happy with anything, or anyone for that matter. Everyone seems to offer more irritation than any actual help. The only reason I made this account is because the person I was talking to, a girl I met a little while ago, is rather upset with me & I do not wish to bother her further. She suggested I try and get help, but I cannot afford traditional methods. I live with my parents, we live off my fathers disability & my grandmothers social security, and most things I find on the internet, those self-help methods, have not given me one iota of success. Everything else seems like a "easy-way-out-gimmie money" scam. Those just irritate the bleeding hell outta me.
I have attempted 0119, about twice now. In 2011, I tried hanging myself, but the rope broke. I tried on new years eve 2012. I was going to slit my throat. I had sharpened my knife, was ready to go. I couldn't do it. I have tried exercise, distraction, trying to be more social, but everything always tends to blow up in my face. I am kinda running out of ideas. Anyone I have ever tried to tell has only told me things like "man up", "Fix it" or my favorite "Life sucks, deal with it". I have lost every friend I have ever had except for the two I have, but I can't tell them much. One is a complete fool who has no idea what it is I am going through. He came from a perfect, little family. The other , as I have mentioned, I cannot really speak to at the moment because she is royally pissed at me. I fear that she will soon leave me completely. She has many friends who are vastly more interesting than I. I cannot really blame her.
I have often been told that I am extremely intelligent, borderline genius. I do not believe any of this. they point to my I.Q. score of 124, but I know that it is a measure of logic rather than a measure of intelligence.
I am the youngest of 4 children, my two older brothers & my older sister. They would often do things to berate & pick on me. When I tired to tell my parents, they never believed me. When I was younger, my father would become angry, and he became violent a few times when dealing with me. One instance, I had an argument with my mother when I was fifteen. She called my father to deal with me. He worked as a long-haul truck driver and was a asleep at the time. He hated to be woken up. He came into my room , threw me on the bed and choked me with my oat. I still quite remember the feeling of the zipper digging into my neck. He did this for about 3-4 minutes, before my mother called him off. As he left the room, he called me a neurotic bitch, told me I was crazy. As my mother left the room, she blamed me for it. I told her that I would tell the police, she said that they would not believe me. The next morning, as she woke me up for school, she started to talk to me about if I would talk to the school counselor. I apologized for the previous evening. I don't think I can forgive myself for that.
Anytime I have tried to tell anyone about these things , they accuse me of lying, or being just crazy. After all, how could my parents do these things? They seem like respectable folk...
I know I need help, but I don't know what to do. I feel kinda screwed.