If I listed all the things or had HA about it would embarrass me. I've done a lot of it here on this site as it happens!
My HA got a lot a LOT better. I had CBT and went from having an episode daily to an episode every three months.
I had a few things off and on. I had a moment in August, then during September I had a blinky eyelid and twitchy foot, but hey I dealt with it.
Then a few weeks ago I had a resurgence when I needed antibiotics for a cyst. The cyst was NBD, but since then the anxiety has been present, if mostly low level.
Tonight however it blossomed into its old crying-in-shower level intensity.
I had a hard workout today (my record for most push-ups!). Then in shower I had a sore spot in my under arm- precisely the location of a lymph node which caused me great distress in 2011. Thinking nothing of it I have it a rub thinking it was a spot. It actually feels more like tissue, which is likely given it is that time of the month!
BUT it felt different than it has felt before, very much nearer the surface and it feels harder than surrounding tissue. It's not as big as a pea, and it does feel smooth. It does indeed feel different to all the rest of the tissue.
I Know this is almost certainly a benign breast change - especially as i am young and at a hormonal point. AND as it is in the underarm I know I worked out a lot today, so it could even be muscular or tendon! Or it could be a weeny little lymph node near the existing one!
I also know this area was examined by a surgeon just over a year ago, as the lymph node itself caused me distress (it got the all clear).
I also know I've been in a heightened state of anxiety recently, that this is one of my themes, and I know I have HA.
Yet none of that even touches the frustration and distress I feel, the uncertainty and confusion makes me well up. I'd had such a super day! And to just come across it unexpectedly has really made me FREAK OUT.
I'm scared I'll need to get it checked out and have to go through a scary process at a clinic and spend time being frightened and anxious!!
I'm mad at myself for being scared. I'm mad to have had this episode.
I'm mad that I now have to spend a few weeks trying to ignore it to see if it is still there later this month. I'm upset with myself for how hard I find NOT poking at it.
Basically I'm just so damned frustrated right now and I feel like I just want a good hard CRY.
Screw you HA.