Cancer fear comeback... Could really use some friendly chat.

[reasonableland]

If I listed all the things or had HA about it would embarrass me. I've done a lot of it here on this site as it happens!

My HA got a lot a LOT better. I had CBT and went from having an episode daily to an episode every three months.

I had a few things off and on. I had a moment in August, then during September I had a blinky eyelid and twitchy foot, but hey I dealt with it.

Then a few weeks ago I had a resurgence when I needed antibiotics for a cyst. The cyst was NBD, but since then the anxiety has been present, if mostly low level.

Tonight however it blossomed into its old crying-in-shower level intensity.

I had a hard workout today (my record for most push-ups!). Then in shower I had a sore spot in my under arm- precisely the location of a lymph node which caused me great distress in 2011. Thinking nothing of it I have it a rub thinking it was a spot. It actually feels more like tissue, which is likely given it is that time of the month!

BUT it felt different than it has felt before, very much nearer the surface and it feels harder than surrounding tissue. It's not as big as a pea, and it does feel smooth. It does indeed feel different to all the rest of the tissue.

I Know this is almost certainly a benign breast change - especially as i am young and at a hormonal point. AND as it is in the underarm I know I worked out a lot today, so it could even be muscular or tendon! Or it could be a weeny little lymph node near the existing one!

I also know this area was examined by a surgeon just over a year ago, as the lymph node itself caused me distress (it got the all clear).

I also know I've been in a heightened state of anxiety recently, that this is one of my themes, and I know I have HA.

Yet none of that even touches the frustration and distress I feel, the uncertainty and confusion makes me well up. I'd had such a super day! And to just come across it unexpectedly has really made me FREAK OUT.

I'm scared I'll need to get it checked out and have to go through a scary process at a clinic and spend time being frightened and anxious!!

I'm mad at myself for being scared. I'm mad to have had this episode.

I'm mad that I now have to spend a few weeks trying to ignore it to see if it is still there later this month. I'm upset with myself for how hard I find NOT poking at it.

Basically I'm just so damned frustrated right now and I feel like I just want a good hard CRY.



Screw you HA.

[MOchp]

I feel you. It gets really frustrating. You feel a mix of worry and anxiety over whatever you are worrying about and you feel darned mad at having HA in the first place. I get like that and it is a miserable feeling. It does get better if you put forth the effort though. It isn't easy, and I'm still not 'better', but I'm trying.

[rr2005]

I do that too, and cancer is the fear I struggle with. I'm sorry it's ruined your good day. Here's something for us to think about....my cousin had cancer and is 5 years cancer free today! So, our worst fears realized are not the end of the world anyway. Hang in there and know that this too shall pass!

[evagisele]

Ah, yes, your story is similar to what set me off a few weeks ago. Sore spot under arm, which led me to start obsessively poking and prodding it, which made it worse. Then a hard yoga workout. Then I got a tingling feel in my arm/breast (probably the way I slept on it or from poking and worrying). During that time, I was dealing with tooth abscesses, which led one side of my neck to swell AFTER I thought I'd gotten over the underarm worry. BAM! I was in full-blown panic for about a week of my vacation. Then I was poking at my arms, breast, neck, groin, stomach, etc..(Sigh).

Underarm thing went away, but I know it tends to flare-up around my time of the month. Nothing new. I'm doing better anxiety wise, but I was SO frustrated, guilty, scared, etc... during this latest bout. I went to a casino with friends about a week ago and had a great day. I thought I was over this fear. Then the next day I poked around and Googled again and it all came back, maybe even worse. I'm restarting all of my anxiety CD programs that I purchased many years ago to buffer me against  the worst of it. The key for me is to keep my mind busy with other things, even though I don't always do that!

[reasonableland]

Another thing I know for sure is that having an area examined (because of HA), and then having something go wrong with that exact spot, is really unlikely.

The fact I did a breast check a few weeks ago and felt nothing there, and the fact it has only cropped up after 1. Me feeling anxiety. 2. A hard workout that included a lot of chest and arm work. 3. During a time of hormone fluctuations which are known to increase how lumpy things feel!

And also yeah I'm only 29. All those things stacked up says benign change.

It does feel different to the surrounding tissue, but even that doesn't mean anything.

I am going to try and leave it alone (going to be SO HARD not to) for a few weeks until my cycle has changed. If I still feel it then I'll decide what to do... If I go to my doc I'll get a mandatory ref. to that clinic and have to go through maybe a scan or a biopsy - that all means waiting and nerves. I'm really hoping it does not come to that. That unknowing might be the worst!!!

[reasonableland]

Now I just need to figure out how to make myself feel happy and focus on something else!

[MOchp]

Now I just need to figure out how to make myself feel happy and focus on something else!

Anything you can immerse yourself in helps. I play computer games and they help me. 

[mollyfin]

My cancer fears have made a comeback after a short hiatus as well.  It sucks, but you'll get through it! 

[reasonableland]

Thanks folks!

I only did 7 self-checks today, and tomorrow I'll aim for 4.

I had sick to my stomach can't eat heart pounding anxiety for most of the day, but managed to get a walk and also socialise. I confided in my sis-in-law, who didn't know I have HA, and my S.O is very supportive. I was scared I'd do loads of checks in the shower so be came in to chat to me so I couldn't :)

I'm going to just go ahead and schedule a doc apt on Monday, see if i can get in next week. Better to get it done and dusted and cut the time I need to try and distract!

Also need to accept I do have a fair few fibrocystic symptoms here and there, so this type of thing (new different feeling lumps) might just be a thing I get with time, and it is benign and OK.

We can't choose how things go, but we can choose how we meet challenges.

[Hypomommy]

Sorry you are having these fears.  When something is really worrying me, I try to focus on something else - get distracted by something.  Pinterest has been a big black hole of my time lately....lol!   I go on there especially when I get the urge to google or do some other type of "check" and start browsing around.  I usually can distract myself enough to calm down and go on about my day. 

It might be worth a shot...  I gave up WebMd for Lent and have not googled since.  I used Pinterest as my place to go when I get the urge.  Maybe this will work for you.  There are some great pins for workouts and such.

I know it's not a great suggestion but it's a start.  My anxiety also gets amped up around my time, maybe it's all the hormones....

Hope you feel better!

[aunjypoo]

Swollen lymph nodes started my most recent bout with HA.. 2 months ago I had swollen goin lymph node.. Had it checked by DR. said it was fine probably just from my running.. Didn't believe him was back 4 days later wanting my blood ran.. Now it's been going to the DR every week... Anywho... I poked around on my one swollen one until I had aggravated all of them in the area and they were all swollen.. Needless to say I was terrified.. But it was nothing, and now that is the absolute least of my worries!

[reasonableland]

Thanks folks. I think it is just the fact it's in a spot that caused my last BC issue, so my brain is doing the "aha I was right there is something wrong and the doc missed it" song and dance.

I'll get it checked this week. It's a small smooth lump probably smaller than a pea really, firm but not rock hard, upper breast by the armpit very near a lymph node there that can be felt during exams. Found it after an awesome exercise session, so it could even be from my workout. Could be a little lymph node, a benign change...

Still finding it very hard not to worry, but really the odds are its just benign. Even the fact I felt it doesn't mean anything, I might have dozens of them and just not feel them come or go.

I spent some time dancing around being silly, but really until I get a diagnosis to accept it'll be a challenge to keep my concentration elsewhere.

I was SO anxious yesterday I feel totally drained today.

F*** anxiety, am I right?

[reasonableland]

And sometimes rereading Accepting the diagnosis is good. Recall the section which basically says "I was doing so well and THEN" like we've only subdued our bodies as long as they don't change at ALL. Healing won't come for me while  I'm at the mercy of new lumps and bumps, anxiety is a part of my life. I've had a good couple months of great work with it, and now I just need to remember that bodies change and that is OK.