Great encouragement pinkiceprincess!
Celeste, high school is just plain awkward. Everyone goes their separate ways after HS, thankfully. Lovers tend to separate, friends alienate. The hopefuls don't always turn out so well. The unlikely ones sometimes soar. It's too early to tell. After HS is a completely different world. Better I might say. "Friends" is a loose term. I have been a HS counselor for 7 years. When asking a student to define what they feel are the qualities of a real friend, then check and see how many of their "friends" fit that description, they are shocked to see how few they actually have. 2 million teens a year in the US attempt to take their own life to the extent that they require medical attention, so your concern is genuine. I have been exactly in that place, where you want to live as a bottom line, but you also feel out of control, like you could take your life, even against your deepest desires. It is scary. If you have a diagnosis such as I have (Major depressive d/o), you can still live life to the fullest. I have a job, and my employer is fully aware of my condition. I choose not to hide my disorder, as I see it as a means for others to loosen up and get real. More people feel just like you, but are good at hiding it. Unfortunately, high school is a tougher place to be real. People want to be, but the risks seem to great. Sad to say, some take their own life never knowing that many at school share the same emotions. If you have a diagnosis, treat it like diabetes. Give it priority. Treat it daily. Depression is an illness like other diseases. I have lost relationships, friendships (that I thought were solid). People don't know how to handle us when we are symptomatic. Treatments include a multidisciplinary approach such as medication, therapy, support groups, diet exercise, CBT. However, you cannot wait until you FEEL like engaging in treatment. It is a matter of perseverance (sounds like you are doing that. keep it up). Giving up is not an option IMO. MDD ALWAYS says "things will never change. I will never get better." Lapses backwards can feel like the end of the world. That is not the truth, it is simply a symptom. You will adjust in time. I know you may have a hard time believing that, but doubting may simply be the illness. Be patient with yourself. You are not a failure at all! A senior in HS is a huge accomplishment!