Depression and Suicidal. Help please...

[Celeste16]

I feel like Ive been stuck in a dark place for a LONG time. Like Im drowning in this overbearing sadness... Everytime I feel this way I start having a CRAP load of suicidal thoughts! Whenever I have a panic attack I start having them too. And Im scared. I know I Do Not want to die. But these thoughts are so loud and strong that Im afraid of what I might do to myself...I'm 18 and a senior in high school. The year is almost over, but I feel like I might not be able to make it. I have ZERO friends. Im so serious. Zero. I dont talk to anyone. I dont hang out with anyone. My recent activities have been lying in bed and doing nothing. Ive felt, So Alone lately. I broke down the other day for feeling alone. I cried so hard, and when my dad got home I told him to get rid of my pills and sharp objects because I was THAT afraid. I even started texting my therapist to give me advice on my situation because I was scared. I feel alone, hopeless, worthless, forgotten. I feel like no matter what I'll always be afriad and alone. Ive tried cancelling out negative thoughts and thinking positive but that hasnt worked for me...Im just so scared...Feeling like you want to die is so wrong...Everytime I think about it my chest constricts and feels hollow and makes me want to go through with it...I hate this feeling! Can someone help me?

[PinkIcePrincess]

Hi Celeste,
  I so wish I could wrap my arms around you and hug you and say everything is really going to be ok and that You are worth fighting for and that Highschool will be over soon and a thing of the past..I hated school and was bullied and felt awful about myself..I was over weight,poor and had a broken home,was molested..just not a fun childhood .
 The people in Highschool that I thought were cool peeps and made fun of me well sadly they are either now dead or druggies and also some look awful!! so do give school a second thought once you graduate those days are done!! I am 47 now and I would NEVER wanna go back to those days .
 Have you always been depressed or has something happened in your life to trigger depression?

 I remember not feeling right when I was a child and I know now it was due to my Parents divorcing and being molested by a family member so around 8 yrs old but I went on in life and I knew I was going through things but years ago people did not talk about depression,anxiety,panic,agoraphobia etc...I know now many of my family members struggle with this as I do but they never told me until mine got really bad at age 36 going on 37...so now at 47 I am settled down I DO worry about death but not harming myself I used to tho..very hard to think about but i made it through those days..it is a job to keep ourselves healthy both Physically and Mentally and meds do help along with Therapy if we keep working at it and giving it all a chance it may take a few years but Please keep trying and I learned to come out of my shell!! I was sick of hiding and being ashamed of my weight and looks so once I did that I felt better..and things did change...so remember there is always Hope!!

Please call for help if you need to do not take your life because tomorrow may be the day you feel so much better!! You are so young and have so much to do in life ...dont worry about having friends I dont I just have fun and know the friends I did have well they are gone or stabbed me in the back but in time you will meet the right people and have friends...I am married and I have a son and a nice Home and I know God has my back...I am facing Brain Surgery soon and I am scared for sure but it has to be done.. so see we all have to face things in our lives.

You can always look me up and Pm me or come to the chatroom once u have posted 3 times we will all talk to you!!! we are there for support and laughter and to help each other out!! OK?
Take care and I will sure be thinking of you!
PinkIcePrinecess!

[howifeel]

Great encouragement pinkiceprincess!

Celeste, high school is just plain awkward. Everyone goes their separate ways after HS, thankfully. Lovers tend to separate, friends alienate. The hopefuls don't always turn out so well. The unlikely ones sometimes soar. It's too early to tell. After HS is a completely different world. Better I might say. "Friends" is a loose term. I have been a HS counselor for 7 years. When asking a student to define what they feel are the qualities of a real friend, then check and see how many of their "friends" fit that description, they are shocked to see how few they actually have. 2 million teens a year in the US attempt to take their own life to the extent that they require medical attention, so your concern is genuine. I have been exactly in that place, where you want to live as a bottom line, but you also feel out of control, like you could take your life, even against your deepest desires. It is scary. If you have a diagnosis such as I have (Major depressive d/o), you can still live life to the fullest. I have a job, and my employer is fully aware of my condition. I choose not to hide my disorder, as I see it as a means for others to loosen up and get real. More people feel just like you, but are good at hiding it. Unfortunately, high school is a tougher place to be real. People want to be, but the risks seem to great. Sad to say, some take their own life never knowing that many at school share the same emotions. If you have a diagnosis, treat it like diabetes. Give it priority. Treat it daily. Depression is an illness like other diseases. I have lost relationships, friendships (that I thought were solid). People don't know how to handle us when we are symptomatic. Treatments include a multidisciplinary approach such as medication, therapy, support groups, diet exercise, CBT. However, you cannot wait until you FEEL like engaging in treatment. It is a matter of perseverance (sounds like you are doing that. keep it up). Giving up is not an option IMO. MDD ALWAYS says "things will never change. I will never get better." Lapses backwards can feel like the end of the world. That is not the truth, it is simply a symptom. You will adjust in time. I know you may have a hard time believing that, but doubting may simply be the illness. Be patient with yourself. You are not a failure at all! A senior in HS is a huge accomplishment!

[laura124]

You ARE a special person!  I have been in a similar place in my life before with feeling rejected and alone.  Know that many people have been in that place before and have overcome it. 

High school is the hardest time for some teenagers.  My son is one of them.  He's 17 years old and sufferers from ADD and anxiety/OCD. He also has a math learning disability. He just couldn't take high school and refused to go most days.  The trauma of going to school began to affect his health with panic attacks, stomach problems and asthma.  I decided to pull him out and put him in an alternative school at the end of last year (he's a senior this year too).  He now has a job at the local grocery store and his anxiety has gotten better.  I'm not suggesting something radical like that because seriously, your almost done.  But I am telling you that high school is NOT the real world.  Usually the kids that peak in high school are the ones that crash and burn in the real world.  Keep yourself focused on your future and getting the heck out of that school so you can move on with your life.  It must be awful feeling the way you feel right now but know that high school isn't forever!

[tinam7]

I am much, much older than you but remember only too well the difficult times you describe. For me the sky fell in after high school. It was awful, the self destructive thinking was very powerful. But I always knew, and that's why I am posting, that I could never, ever hurt my parents and brother that way. With this terrible step many lives are shattered. So please promise yourself and us that such thinking is done, over, never to be revisited again.

Please try and get some professional help. You need not suffer this way. Speaking to a therapist, perhaps some mild medication and above all, a focus on strengthening you (not focussed on others), your self-image, your sense of self-worth, is at least one critical element to getting better. Know that we are here for you. You have friends right here, we are rooting for you. Wishing you hope, optimism, and confidence. It's a new year full of promise. We stand by you.

[evagisele]

You've got some good advice from the other posters. I just wanted to chime in and say that you've got friends here who understand and care about you. I hated high school too. But once I got out of there I went to college where there were less cliquish people. I soared in college! If college isn't in your immediate future, then I'm SURE there is a place in this world for you to share your talents and discover new ones. Hugs and prayers for you (and I really mean that)!