I cannot address your specific scenario but I can share with you that I think that you are very astute in recognizing that you do have an issue that is causing anxiety which in turn is creating a potentially self-fulfilling prophecy. If you are ruining nearly every night because of fear that your wife will leave you, then you are creating an environment where she may not feel that she has any other choice if what she has to look forward to is another night of disruption . . . so, you know you have a problem and you know that you have to do something about it . . .that is the first step . . .
Have you discussed this with your wife? She may be just as confused as you are . . . she may feel that she is doing something wrong . . . she may feel that she is unable to help you because you are not trusting her . . .no one wants to be a target . . . from what you say I think that you are in need of two types of professional intervention . . . first, someone to help to guide you to develop techniques to identify your specific triggers (you are probably right about them stemming from previous relationships) and develop management tools and second, someone who specializes in helping couples to address and manage the issues together. You cannot block anxiety brain from coming into your reality because eventually you will become fatigued and anxiety will creep back in; what you can do is to manage anxiety and it does not have to be with meds. Some of us use meds either short- or long-term and some of us prefer other techniques. Now, these other techniques have not worked for you because they do need to be tailored and that is where a counselor or therapist will help you . . .
So, I would suggest that you confide in your wife what is troubling you and immediately capitalize on your insights into your behaviour by getting professional intervention . . . you may have to try two or three therapists until you find one that aligns with your situation especially in avoiding meds, but that is part of the process . . . it is within your power to make this process work and work for the best . . . please give it a try and by all means do let us know how you are doing . . .. we may not provide solutions, but we certainly are here to listen . . .take care, kc