diagnosed with cancer, major anxiety, is it situational?

[tc_guy24]

 Hey everyone, so I'm new here, although I've read through the forum quite often.  I'm not sure which section this post would go under, I feel they all kinda describe what I'm going through.
I guess I'll start off with a bit about me. I'm a 24 year old college student near north Dallas Texas. Right out of high school I joined up with a band from California. Being from Wisconsin and only 18, this was a big deal to me. We played full time, and even played a few stadium shows opening for bands like skillet, fly leaf, tfk and so on. We were a Christian band. I had zero anxiety whatsoever standing or performing in front of crowds...nothing like that. Being on the road often was awful for me health wise, and I ballooned up to 300lbs at age 22. At this point, I decided I needed a new direction in my life, so I moved to Dallas and started college!

Ok, so now we are in Dallas....first thing first, lose this freakin weight! I enrolled at a gym and went like mad. After about a year I lost 100 lbs. I then got addicted to weight lifting, so I spent a long time trying to obtain hulk status. Through cut and bulk dieting and programs, I settled at 210lbs good bf%. This is where it all begins!!! Wait for it....... :)

So it's now summer and I just turned 24. One day I wake up and notice one of my man parts is bigger. "Hmmmm interesting......cool!" Over the next few weeks it returned to normal. Then it got bad again. Swollen freaking testicle. I was convinced it was a hernia from weight lifting!!! I figured it was time to get it checked out....the doctor ordered an ultrasound.....testicular cancer. It had spread to the lymph nodes in my side and chest. Ugh!

So my first instinct was how bad I felt for my mom and dad. They were crying in the hospital room, and I knew I had to stay strong for them. I'm ok with dying if that's what has to happen, but seeing my parents hurt literally crushed me. I was sent home to prepare for a very long journey.

After a surgery in Plano, I was set to start chemo in two weeks. One night out of freaking nowhere, I had a really hard heart beat, followed by a rapid heart beat and crazy dizziness. I had no idea what was going on. Well, I just found out I had cancer, could it really move this fast? I yelled to my dad (I moved from wi to Dallas once I left the band, my parents lived outside of Dallas) we got to go to the ER now! I even posted on my 0409 how I loved all my friends for crying out loud. So we go to the ER. They tell me what I already know, swollen nodes in in my side and chest, but my heart was in perfect shape. My oxygen levels were 100%. The Dr said, this is anxiety, clear case given my situation. I was prescribed ativan.

So life goes along, I go through chemo (I don't recommend it....well unless it will save your life) and I keep having these panic attacks. It got to a point where I don't even drive, and I can barely leave the house without feeling super dizzy or my heart racing. That's where I'm at currently. Now so you all know, chemo eliminated about 99% of the cancer. Pretty successful 3 months of chemo! I have one last step and that is surgery in 3 weeks up in Indiana. It's rplnd surgery (node removal) and basically it's too remove the slow growing cancer that chemo doesn't kill, so it doesn't become a problem 30 years from now.

So given this info, you would think anxiety would not be an issue anymore! But really, it's almost chronic for me. I lay in bed nearly all day, although I will get a ride from my parents to the mall so I can walk around and try to fight through it. Ativan helps, but I'm not seeing much improvement. I'm hoping that a lot of this is situational and it will go away as soon as I'm clear in a few weeks, but this in almost unbearable. A therapist told me, "you had a fair amount of success with music at age 18, physically you were fit, your not used to losing or not being in control. When told you have cancer your mind doesn't know how to take that." I became upset because I felt he was calling me cocky or something, when really that is not me at all. I play my music for my religious purpose, and diet and exercise for my health. I dated 1 girl in my life, and we dated 5 years ( she broke up with me while going through chemo). Anyways, so no therapy for me, unless you all think that would be beneficial in my case.

Also going out in public gets to me. I used to be confident in myself, now I've lost 30 lbs, my hair and my eyebrows....I have the whole uncle fester look going on over here haha.

Cliff notes
_cancer
_ativan
_ativan not really cure
_therapy?
_situational?

So anyways thanks for reading guys, I just wanted to get it all out there. I never understood anxiety or the "realness" of it until I got it.
Also m.youtube.com/watch?v=hSP2EVsZp1Q  if you wish to watch a chemo vid I made v for my friends back in Wisconsin. Let me know if you like the music, from my new band....

Once again guys thank you for everything!!!!

[PennyPanic]

I'm new here and can't offer you much assistance but I think you have to actually applaud yourself for fighting your cancer like a champ.  That takes a lot out of you and has shaken your world at such a young age.  I don't wonder why you are having the anxiety that you are.  Now I guess it's time to fight the anxiety.  I'm sure others more experienced will chime in here but hugs to you and you can do this.

[marc]

First of all, welcome to anxietyzone. With what you have been through, it is quite understandable how you
have had panic attacks. I wish there was something I could tell you that will help you, but until someone stands in
your shoes, it is difficult. The only thing that I can really tell you is to never give up as there is always hope, as
you never really know what lies ahead.

[tc_guy24]

Thank you guys for the input!
I checked out "the anxiety and worry workbook" by David Clark and Aaron Beck and also "how to overcome fear" by Marcos Witt at the library last night.
The ER doctors and my oncologist told me that they would be concerned if I didn't have some sort of anxiety. But shortly after diagnosed and driving and having that panic attack caused me to not want to drive. Being home alone and starting to panic caused me to not want to be alone. As time wore on it got worse, and I realize that. So it's time to kick my butt into gear and be pro active to beat this!

[ClassicNerd]

Sorry to hear you're dealing with this! I'm glad you're ready to be proactive about beating anxiety. By your story it sounds like you're a fighter. It's natural to be anxious about your health after fighting something like testicular cancer, but it's not natural to let this anxiety take over your life and interfere with your joy. I would recommend you take care of the anxiety you're feeling so you don't develop permenant debilitating health anxiety. Both of those books sound excellent. For anxiety and depression in general, I've read Feeling Good by David D. Burns and that really helps make you more aware of some of the faulty thought mechanisms that take place in the minds of people who are anxious or depressed. It also gives some pretty good tips on how to beat those faulty thought mechanisms.

[MOchp]

I have been worried about a place I found on my teste over a few months back. The place doesn't seem to have really changed in size or anything since I first felt it and I don't think my teste has been swollen, but I'm worried about it. I was supposed to have an ultrasound but my insurance deductible kicked back in and we would have to pay for the test in full so I don't think I'm going to be able to have it right now. I'm sorry for your situation, and I hope everything gets better.

[JunoX]

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story with us. It was actually very inspirational. I am glad to know that you are doing better now. I had read, not too long ago, that testicular cancer is a very survivable cancer and the remission rates are high. I can totally understand how you would be dealing with anxiety now, after everything you have been through. You have come to the right place though. We try to support each other here so you will get plenty of advice and tips for dealing with your anxiety!

[tc_guy24]

Thank you for the replies!
@Classic thanks for the book info, any other helpful books out there?

@MO message me if you have questions. Testicular cancer shows different symptoms, some obvious like swelling or a pea sized hard spot. Others not obvious such as back pain or a persistent cough. Lance Armstrong for instance had mild symptoms for 2 and a half years before going in, and he was cured! If your concerned go in through the ER, or a quick care place so at least a Dr will look at it. I will say however that testicular cancer is pretty dang rare, only 8,000 guys get it a year, (sorry ladies....well I suppose if your a lady and get testicular cancer I'd like to shake your hand :)) and it makes up only 1% of all cancers. It's a young guys cancer, most cases are guys in the ages of 18-30.

@0115 thank you! Yes survival rates are high! The overall rate of cure I believe is mid 90%. I had distant spreading, and I was still told low 90%. At this point I'm nearly cancer free.

I'm starting to take small steps, for instance as I mentioned earlier walking around malls. I'm starting to drive to the mail box at my place if my parents are with me. Ugh that sounds so bad, but I feel I'm headed in the right direction. It's funny, in my old band we sang out to teenagers and college students about never losing hope, there is always a way out. Now it's my turn to live it out!

[MOchp]

Thank you for the replies!
@Classic thanks for the book info, any other helpful books out there?

@MO message me if you have questions. Testicular cancer shows different symptoms, some obvious like swelling or a pea sized hard spot. Others not obvious such as back pain or a persistent cough. Lance Armstrong for instance had mild symptoms for 2 and a half years before going in, and he was cured! If your concerned go in through the ER, or a quick care place so at least a Dr will look at it. I will say however that testicular cancer is pretty dang rare, only 8,000 guys get it a year, (sorry ladies....well I suppose if your a lady and get testicular cancer I'd like to shake your hand :)) and it makes up only 1% of all cancers. It's a young guys cancer, most cases are guys in the ages of 18-30.

@0115 thank you! Yes survival rates are high! The overall rate of cure I believe is mid 90%. I had distant spreading, and I was still told low 90%. At this point I'm nearly cancer free.

I'm starting to take small steps, for instance as I mentioned earlier walking around malls. I'm starting to drive to the mail box at my place if my parents are with me. Ugh that sounds so bad, but I feel I'm headed in the right direction. It's funny, in my old band we sang out to teenagers and college students about never losing hope, there is always a way out. Now it's my turn to live it out!

I had a nurse practitioner feel for it and he told me I was feeling something that was supposed to be there, but I think he wasn't feeling what I am because it is only there on the left one and not on the right one. The doctor I had feel it a week or so later said he couldn't feel anything in the teste but I didn't locate it for him like I should have. I'm 22 by the way. The place I have isn't quite pea sized from what I can feel. I do have back pain and lower back pain that comes and goes but of course I don't know if it's related or not as I have a lot of random aches and pains that come and go. My mom told me earlier to see how much the ultrasound will be though and if it isn't crazy expensive then she is going to help me pay for it so I may be going and getting one anyways. I'm just hoping a scrotal ultrasound will show something if it is there, and hopefully it isn't TC. 

[Cattia]

Thanks for sharing your story, it sounds as though you have been very strong, but on a subconscious level this experience could have left you feeling more vulnerable than you realise and I wonder if that's what your therapist meant when he said that the experience had knocked your confidence. I think a lot of anxiety is a response to thoughts and feelings that we might not even be consciously aware of. If I were in your position, I think I might be inclined to give therapy another go, perhaps with a different therapist who you feel more confident with. I think a scare like that would be enough to shake anyone. I hope your recovery continues to go as well as it has done so far.

[ClassicNerd]

Thank you for the replies!
@Classic thanks for the book info, any other helpful books out there?

@MO message me if you have questions. Testicular cancer shows different symptoms, some obvious like swelling or a pea sized hard spot. Others not obvious such as back pain or a persistent cough. Lance Armstrong for instance had mild symptoms for 2 and a half years before going in, and he was cured! If your concerned go in through the ER, or a quick care place so at least a Dr will look at it. I will say however that testicular cancer is pretty dang rare, only 8,000 guys get it a year, (sorry ladies....well I suppose if your a lady and get testicular cancer I'd like to shake your hand :)) and it makes up only 1% of all cancers. It's a young guys cancer, most cases are guys in the ages of 18-30.

@0115 thank you! Yes survival rates are high! The overall rate of cure I believe is mid 90%. I had distant spreading, and I was still told low 90%. At this point I'm nearly cancer free.

I'm starting to take small steps, for instance as I mentioned earlier walking around malls. I'm starting to drive to the mail box at my place if my parents are with me. Ugh that sounds so bad, but I feel I'm headed in the right direction. It's funny, in my old band we sang out to teenagers and college students about never losing hope, there is always a way out. Now it's my turn to live it out!

I like A Hypochondriac's Guide to Life and Death by Gene Weingarten (I think I spelled that right). It's really humerous and really helps put things into perspective! I also enjoyed "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle, which a friend gave me and is not so much about health anxiety as it is about general worrying and living in the moment. I wonder if there is a resource on AZ with a list of books we might find helpful! 

[Inuyasha_Muffin]

You really are an inspiration! Its just unfortunate that after all you've through... that you have to go through the anxiety. If im not actually having an attack then I can often lose myself in video games lol its nice to forget! I hope that you can find something that helps you with your anxiety! The people on these forums are definately a blessing :)

[beth0277]

I think you are incredibly strong for what you have been through...and of course it is normal to have anxiety. Good Lord, just me thinking about getting diagnosed with something sends me into panic. You know what? I'm no expert, but I bet you come out on the other side stronger than ever. I have heard of a lot of people struggling with anxiety during cancer treatment. I think once you are completely done, and you see how far you made it and how strong your body is, I think you will feel a lot better.

Kudos to you, my friend. You are an inspiration.

[tc_guy24]

Thi you everyone!
....I think I will look at therapy again once my final surgery is done. Maybe a cancer specific therapist would be best?? Cattia what you said makes a lot of sense!

So last night I went grocery shopping (didn't drive), and then I spent a couple hours walking around downtown and going to a coffee shop. This is HUGE  compared to where I have been for 3 months.  I felt a flare up at the store, and just kept looking down....it didn't develop into a panic attack, but my heart rate was elevated and you bet I finished my shopping as fast as possible!  I think I'm kind of using this site and the people who comment here as accountability. Just  telling myself I can do this.

So after my "high" of walking around downtown and feeling somewhat normal again, (leaving the cave that is my bedroom haha) my dad has invited me to a movie tonight. I'm very very nervous. I'm going to give it a shot. I'll let you know how that goes. I'm already psyching myself out, I have to learn to not fear the anxiety. Little by little...


One thing that does make this hard, is distinguishing between what's expected and what's not. For instance I fatigue easily, but I just finished 3 months of chemo, I should be fatigued. So not letting that fatigue or any other normal symptom become a trigger. 

[Wishingforcalm2]

Hey there.  I read your post, and like everyone else, I think your story is a very inspirational one...it's really one that should be shared.  As soon as I'm done posting here, I'm going to check out your youTube video :).  As far as your questions, I just wanted to chime in and say ummm YES!!  It is situational for sure.  Although, now, your situation for life is that you've had cancer.  I was also diagnosed with cancer (not as advanced as yours-- I didn't have to have chemo) and also had a pretty traumatic (you know, near death type) experience with child birth that physically impacted me for months in and out of the hospital.  My theory is that during the trauma, we feel okay....but then at some point...BAM. And that's it.  We're plunged into the world of anxiety and panic.  As close as I can tell, (via lots and lots of therapy plus a desperate self reflection in hopes of 'curing' myself) the anxiety/panic comes from the sudden realization (even if it's a realization, again.) that we really have no control.  None.  You were taking care of yourself, physically very consumed with what you were doing to your body...putting in it, putting it through, shaping it to look like etc.  And all the while, you had no idea what your body was doing to you.  It's basic human instinct I think, for each of us to think we are immune --- cancer doesn't happen to ME!  That happens to someone else.  I think that's what your therapist was getting at...I don't think the implication was that you're cocky...just human.  And then when that belief is shattered, in a minute, it's a wound.  A very deep wound that takes a very long time to heal.  I think panic and anxiety are just "pain" from that very deep wound. 
By the way, that girlfriend you mentioned that left you during chemo (I'll withhold judgment on that...) can have a heck of a lot to do to it too.  You went through far more trauma than the vast majority of people your age.  And yes, it would be worrysome if you didn't come out of all of it with at least an anxiety disorder.
I hope you're feeling better soon.....you're so much stronger than you know....I wish you'd try to drive...you'll make yourself proud I think. 
Be well and keep in touch. :)

[tc_guy24]

@Wishing thank you so much for that post, it was really helpful in me understanding all of this!!
 In the video at 2:31 you'll notice I'm sitting with my mom...that was during a massive panic attack at like 3am. I googled a guy with the same tumor pathology and everything as me, and he passed away. Needless to say I never google anymore, especially after my oncology nurse yelled at me good lol. I found that by sitting at a table and writing song lyrics really helped me get through those early attacks!

[tc_guy24]

So I had a meeting with my primary doctor today, I've been having cold symptoms and wanted to get checked out with my surgery coming up. I asked him about anxiety medication, something besides ativan because ativan seems to just stop the attacks and nothing more. He wrote me a script for a small dose of celexa. He told me to take it for a month to see if it helps, and also that I would be a robot if I didn't have some sort of anxiety at this point. What do you guys think of this medication?

[Wishingforcalm2]

I found the video, but for some reason the sound was all funky.  As in, there was none. 
I tried celexa once and was allergic...can't help much there.  Although I tried it because I heard wonderful things about it~!

[tc_guy24]

Thanks for the input, I've taken two days worth and honestly feel nothing! I'm trying to refrain from really digging for reviews for it because I'm so nervous to take them to begin with. I do know they take a little while to start working.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSP2EVsZp1Q

That might solve the sound problem idk, I realize I posted the mobile version!

[beth0277]

It takes those meds weeks to start working. I am actually surprised your doctor said see how you feel in a month, because usually it is at least 4 weeks before you notice any difference. I wish it were faster. I have never been on Celexa but have been on all kinds of other meds and a lot of them have helped me immensely.

[floridaguy65]

Hi:) Keep on truckin' my man:) Anxiety and HA are mental health issues...work on those appropriately. Your physical health is mostly another issue and we have to do the right things to give our bods the best chance of feeling good - keep up the good work in striving to be as healthy as you can be (but don't get tooooooo obsessive - something anxiety peeps can do, at times:). It's all about balance and your natural personal harmony:)

You've had cancer. You are a survivor:) You will always be a 'cancer peep', it is part of you and your history and your future (as it will have some defining attributes, most certainly). This can be more than OK, if we accept that our past physical health doesn't have to define our future, fully. We CAN live WELL having had cancer:) You have mental health issues. You will always have some anxiety interactions, likely. Anxiety doesn't have to define you, either. We CAN live WELL having anxiety:)

What you have gone through can be a precipitating factor for your anxiety issues, as well. It doesn't have to be, but it sure could be....understandable. Through you working upon living well alongside your mental health challenges, you will hopefully get moving down your healing path for your anxiety / panic issues. There is acceptance that goes along with getting a diagnosis of cancer. We can't live in denial or we risk losing valuable time in our treatment to get healthy. Same for anxiety, we can't live in denial and we have to accept that there will be actions and habits and mindsets that we need to embrace to give ourselves the best chance to heal - mentally...in our brains...in our minds:)

Though we have to be cognizant that we have to take care of our bods and our minds seperately, at times, there is quite a powerful mind-body connection, for sure, as we all know. There is cross over in each side from working to help both our bods and our minds. Know that by helping your body, you are creating a more accepting mind. Know that by creating a more accepting mind, you are helping your body:)

Needless to say I never google anymore, especially after my oncology nurse yelled at me good lol. I found that by sitting at a table and writing song lyrics really helped me get through those early attacks!

Awesome. Do not go looking for 'trouble':)

Stay active in your hobbies and passions, most assuredly. An idle mind is the devil's playground (as the old saying goes:). We can't know the future. Stay in the present while you are healing - both mentally and physically. Don't get too far ahead of yourself. Good things are coming your way:)

Peace and Feel Well:)

[tc_guy24]

Hey everyone, just thought I'd return to give a quick update. So about amonth and a half ago I traveled across country for my surgery. That sucked, full abdominal surgery to get those lymph nodes. They sent them off to pathology, and the news.....I'm totally cancer free!!!! :)
Crazy year, I look forward to starting college again and getting back on track.
The anxiety front. I'm currently seeing a therapist for anxiety/post cancer stuff. I'm still taking a bit of Ativan, and also the lowest dose of celexa.
Before I was scared to go in stores, or drive, or be alone. I can now say that I'm driving, and alone, for that matter. Stores are no biggie. Things are getting better fast. I still have dizzy spells from chemo, and I'm retraining myself with therapy to not let genuine chemo after- effects trigger anxiety. Its a long process...I've come a long way and I still have a ways to go, but now I fully believe that obtaining normal again is absolutely  possible,:)

[Allochka]

Congratulations on being cancer free !!! Hurrah!!! 
If you have won cer - you' ll beat anxiety too! It is a really long process, like you've said. You can get anxiety flare-ups too. But living a happy life despite anxiety issues is possible - there are many members here who are a living proof.

Congrats once again!

[Catesykes]

That's amazing news. You have been through so much. All the very best for your bright future.

[rr2005]

Congratulations!! I appreciate the update. It's nice to know that even our worst fears coming true are not necesssarily the end of the world. I wish you all the best for a wonderful and full life ahead!