Hey everyone, so I'm new here, although I've read through the forum quite often. I'm not sure which section this post would go under, I feel they all kinda describe what I'm going through.
I guess I'll start off with a bit about me. I'm a 24 year old college student near north Dallas Texas. Right out of high school I joined up with a band from California. Being from Wisconsin and only 18, this was a big deal to me. We played full time, and even played a few stadium shows opening for bands like skillet, fly leaf, tfk and so on. We were a Christian band. I had zero anxiety whatsoever standing or performing in front of crowds...nothing like that. Being on the road often was awful for me health wise, and I ballooned up to 300lbs at age 22. At this point, I decided I needed a new direction in my life, so I moved to Dallas and started college!
Ok, so now we are in Dallas....first thing first, lose this freakin weight! I enrolled at a gym and went like mad. After about a year I lost 100 lbs. I then got addicted to weight lifting, so I spent a long time trying to obtain hulk status. Through cut and bulk dieting and programs, I settled at 210lbs good bf%. This is where it all begins!!! Wait for it....... :)
So it's now summer and I just turned 24. One day I wake up and notice one of my man parts is bigger. "Hmmmm interesting......cool!" Over the next few weeks it returned to normal. Then it got bad again. Swollen freaking testicle. I was convinced it was a hernia from weight lifting!!! I figured it was time to get it checked out....the doctor ordered an ultrasound.....testicular cancer. It had spread to the lymph nodes in my side and chest. Ugh!
So my first instinct was how bad I felt for my mom and dad. They were crying in the hospital room, and I knew I had to stay strong for them. I'm ok with dying if that's what has to happen, but seeing my parents hurt literally crushed me. I was sent home to prepare for a very long journey.
After a surgery in Plano, I was set to start chemo in two weeks. One night out of freaking nowhere, I had a really hard heart beat, followed by a rapid heart beat and crazy dizziness. I had no idea what was going on. Well, I just found out I had cancer, could it really move this fast? I yelled to my dad (I moved from wi to Dallas once I left the band, my parents lived outside of Dallas) we got to go to the ER now! I even posted on my 0409 how I loved all my friends for crying out loud. So we go to the ER. They tell me what I already know, swollen nodes in in my side and chest, but my heart was in perfect shape. My oxygen levels were 100%. The Dr said, this is anxiety, clear case given my situation. I was prescribed ativan.
So life goes along, I go through chemo (I don't recommend it....well unless it will save your life) and I keep having these panic attacks. It got to a point where I don't even drive, and I can barely leave the house without feeling super dizzy or my heart racing. That's where I'm at currently. Now so you all know, chemo eliminated about 99% of the cancer. Pretty successful 3 months of chemo! I have one last step and that is surgery in 3 weeks up in Indiana. It's rplnd surgery (node removal) and basically it's too remove the slow growing cancer that chemo doesn't kill, so it doesn't become a problem 30 years from now.
So given this info, you would think anxiety would not be an issue anymore! But really, it's almost chronic for me. I lay in bed nearly all day, although I will get a ride from my parents to the mall so I can walk around and try to fight through it. Ativan helps, but I'm not seeing much improvement. I'm hoping that a lot of this is situational and it will go away as soon as I'm clear in a few weeks, but this in almost unbearable. A therapist told me, "you had a fair amount of success with music at age 18, physically you were fit, your not used to losing or not being in control. When told you have cancer your mind doesn't know how to take that." I became upset because I felt he was calling me cocky or something, when really that is not me at all. I play my music for my religious purpose, and diet and exercise for my health. I dated 1 girl in my life, and we dated 5 years ( she broke up with me while going through chemo). Anyways, so no therapy for me, unless you all think that would be beneficial in my case.
Also going out in public gets to me. I used to be confident in myself, now I've lost 30 lbs, my hair and my eyebrows....I have the whole uncle fester look going on over here haha.
_ativan not really cure
So anyways thanks for reading guys, I just wanted to get it all out there. I never understood anxiety or the "realness" of it until I got it.
Also m.youtube.com/watch?v=hSP2EVsZp1Q if you wish to watch a chemo vid I made v for my friends back in Wisconsin. Let me know if you like the music, from my new band....
Once again guys thank you for everything!!!!