I'm new here and looking for people to talk to

[umewotaberusaru]

My name is Robert. I'm a thirty year old male and have recently separated with my partner of nine years. I'm also Deaf, but I am not 'culturally Deaf', meaning I do not sign fluently and do not have any Deaf friends.
My partner and I are still living together, due to our crappy financial circumstances. He's exploring dating other guys and I'm at home, lonely and depressed.
I was really excited for next year, because I've gotten my life on track and was going to ask him to marry me. We've talked about this and talked about having an open relationship, since we're the first people we've ever been serious with. He finally admits to me before or after Thanksgiving that he's not interested in a relationship anymore and I'm just completely crushed. We've talked about not dating before, but after going back to school and looking forward to getting better jobs.... I thought we were on the right track. I didn't know that he felt "stuck".
Also, compounded with all of this emotional baggage... my Mother passed away from cancer when I was fifteen. I've never really confronted her death, never been to her grave, and I feel completely awful about it.
I'm so depressed right now, a couple weeks ago, I was drinking very heavily quite a few times... I've contemplated 0119 while I was very drunk and thought about downing pills or jumping off a bridge. I actually self-harmed myself on my wrist, it was nothing big... but my partner was very concerned and seems annoyed with me now. I even had a hangover that lasted almost three days. With each hangover, I've had a panic attack... but now this week, I'm experiencing panic attacks for the very first time without being "hungover". I feel so ashamed and so weak.
I can't see a doctor right away, since I'm unemployed and on a special government health plan. I scheduled an appointment with a doctor, but it's not until the 9th. I haven't slept much in the past two days and getting over an awful cough and sneezing cold.... so I suppose everything just came together in a perfect storm for me to be completely out of my mind with anxiety and suffering heat flashes, odd heart beat feelings, and depersonalization. I almost don't even feel like I'm typing this right now!!!

Anyways, sorry for the huge wall of text. I really need some people to talk to, to get my paranoid brain to shut up and quit thinking I'm going to die in my sleep if I'm sleeping alone.... Thanks for reading this and I hope I hear from you guys soon!

[doesitstop]

Wow that's a lot on your plate! I'm sorry to hear about your breakup, not a comfortable world to be in alone.But I've been where you are (alone) and I understand partly what you are going through.All I can say is I eventually found someone else,she's great.But one thing I did learn is life is so fragile,it takes so little to lose what one has.

[anxiousmedic]

Welcome and stay srong, I havent been part of this forum long however I have found it a great place to visit and connect with individuals with mutual feelings and conditions. I have some things in common with you and I lost my mother at the age of 12 ( I am 31 now) it took me till I was 29 to start to deal with it. I too dont visit her.. I havent in over 5 years. I took hold guilt for that however it is extremely painful and I feel in other ways I am able to show her that I love and cheerish her still. I have been alone for years... not so much by choice.. and it can be difficult at times but it can be a time for growth and new experiences. The seperation from a loved one can be extremely difficult.. I was with a man for 11yrs... It will get better and you will be ok. Hang in there life is to beautiful to miss out on.

[evagisele]

Welcome, Robert! I'm new to posting on here as well, though I've been lurking around for a while reading posts. I have generalized anxiety and health anxiety. I've got my first appt. with a GP (haven't been in three years) on Jan. 9.  Everyone here is in my prayers that we all be strong and use this awful anxiety to better ourselves.