My name is Robert. I'm a thirty year old male and have recently separated with my partner of nine years. I'm also Deaf, but I am not 'culturally Deaf', meaning I do not sign fluently and do not have any Deaf friends.
My partner and I are still living together, due to our crappy financial circumstances. He's exploring dating other guys and I'm at home, lonely and depressed.
I was really excited for next year, because I've gotten my life on track and was going to ask him to marry me. We've talked about this and talked about having an open relationship, since we're the first people we've ever been serious with. He finally admits to me before or after Thanksgiving that he's not interested in a relationship anymore and I'm just completely crushed. We've talked about not dating before, but after going back to school and looking forward to getting better jobs.... I thought we were on the right track. I didn't know that he felt "stuck".
Also, compounded with all of this emotional baggage... my Mother passed away from cancer when I was fifteen. I've never really confronted her death, never been to her grave, and I feel completely awful about it.
I'm so depressed right now, a couple weeks ago, I was drinking very heavily quite a few times... I've contemplated 0119 while I was very drunk and thought about downing pills or jumping off a bridge. I actually self-harmed myself on my wrist, it was nothing big... but my partner was very concerned and seems annoyed with me now. I even had a hangover that lasted almost three days. With each hangover, I've had a panic attack... but now this week, I'm experiencing panic attacks for the very first time without being "hungover". I feel so ashamed and so weak.
I can't see a doctor right away, since I'm unemployed and on a special government health plan. I scheduled an appointment with a doctor, but it's not until the 9th. I haven't slept much in the past two days and getting over an awful cough and sneezing cold.... so I suppose everything just came together in a perfect storm for me to be completely out of my mind with anxiety and suffering heat flashes, odd heart beat feelings, and depersonalization. I almost don't even feel like I'm typing this right now!!!
Anyways, sorry for the huge wall of text. I really need some people to talk to, to get my paranoid brain to shut up and quit thinking I'm going to die in my sleep if I'm sleeping alone.... Thanks for reading this and I hope I hear from you guys soon!