Waiting on biopsy results

[PennyPanic]

So as long as I can remember I've had HA.  I've been reading this board and even though I haven't participated yet, you have all helped me.

The stress du Jour came after what I thought would be an uneventful event to remove a cyst on my back last Friday.  The Surgeon found another "questionable" spot on my back and immediately did a shave biopsy.  I freaked out...I mean freaked out right there, on the table...freaked.  I'm sure he thinks I'm insane...I didn't care...I just freaked out.

He tried to tell me some jokes to calm me down, I told him to shut up.  I mean, I freaked.

Anyhow, I asked him if he thought it was melanoma and he said, no that he thought it was a dysplastic nevus but that it's best to be careful and send it for screening and generally best if removed.  He said if he thought it was something horrible he'd tell me but that the path is the last word on that.  He has a great bedside manner and is a great doctor that I trust...but I freaked out and haven't stopped crying or shaking since....no sleep...no eating...just panic.

Of course I've spent the weekend crying and googling (not good).

I should have results on Thursday, maybe I was told.  I have no clue how I'll make it till then.

Thanks for listening (or reading...or whatever....or you know I mean.).

PennyPanic

[gcalex]

It's understandable to be worried, and I would not expect you to be able to change your way of thinking overnight, but there is a great book available as a free download online by Dale Carnegie called How to Stop Worrying and Start Living.  The basic message is to learn to accept what is beyond your control, and to be optimisitc in the face of uncertainty, but it's very well presented.  Maybe you will find some inspiration there.   (The book is a bit dated as it's from many decades ago.)

Applied to your situation, and again I am not saying this is the easiest thing in the world to do, the reality is that you won't know for sure for a few days, and there is nothing in your control to accelerate that timetable.  Your two paths are to be optimistic until then (which it sounds like you should be based on what your doctor said) or to be miserable with fear of the worst.  Try to focus on the optimistic path.

[PennyPanic]

Thank you gcalex...I also saw your link to the book in another post.  I have downloaded it.  I appreciate your help.

[gcalex]

We live in constant uncertainty.  It's only when we focus on a particular aspect of it that we start to fear.  But we can also learn to accept that uncertainty and to go on living, without being controlled by fear.  As Plato wrote, try to bear lightly what must needs be.

[marc]

gcalex couldn't be more correct as life is full of uncertainty. I will tell you a story about my wife's aunt.
Many years ago, my wife's aunt, I will call her Cheryl. Cheryl had an inoperable aneurysm around her heart. The
doctors told her she could live many years or go at anytime. She had to live with this terrible uncertainty
for many years. She eventually passed away from cancer. While I am on a roll, I will tell you another story.
My grandmother had a sister named Leah. Leah was diagnosed with an enlarged heart at around 50.
The doctors told her they did not know how long she would live. She lived with this terrible uncertainty until
aged 97. Go figure.

[PennyPanic]

Thank you, Marc.

[nabila12]

When did the doctor think your results would be ready? I am so sorry you are going through this, Penny. I think nearly all of us hear can relate!

[floridaguy65]

Anyhow, I asked him if he thought it was melanoma and he said, no that he thought it was a dysplastic nevus but that it's best to be careful and send it for screening and generally best if removed. 

I have had probably 20 dysplastic nevi removed throughout the years. Blonde haired, blue eyed kid that grew up on the Florida beach before sunscreen was 'cool':) I have had several wide excisions, as well....where they had to go back in and get to clear margins. Have the scars to prove it:)

I go to the derm once a year (and no more) and there is little chance that I will ever die from melanoma. I know what to look for, as well. It is not an 'HA worry':)

Part of being a 'good HA peep' is getting our checkups and yearly physicals. And age appropriate (and family history related) screenings and med tests. Above that most medical intervention that HA peeps seek out is uneeded and falls into the 'reassurance' category. And, when we continue seeking reassurances, which are anxiety driven, we tend to get hit with lifeflow interruptions, eventually. HA tends to bleed over into many facets of our lives, when anxiety is calling too many of the shots in our lives.

Peace and Feel Well:)

[PennyPanic]

nabila12  - to make matters worse the doctor's office is actually closed this week.  No I'm not kidding.  The original reason I went in was to remove a cyst from my back...that was bad enough...but I have to go in tomorrow to get the dressing changed etc...  When I left the office last Fri the nurse said they ***might*** have results for me on Thur when I went in.  But I know the doc won't be there and won't have had a chance to review any results...I think.  So I don't really know if I'll get results tomorrow or not.

FloridaGuy:  Thank you...that helps me a lot.  My mind is still racing and I'm afraid I've not handled this very well.  It helps to know that I'm not alone.

I hope to goodness that I get good results tomorrow but then am afraid that if I don't get results that it will be because it is bad news.  I'm just generally freaking out and trying to make it, not google and get work done...on a minute by minute basis.

You all help me here a lot and I can express how much I appreciate you all.

Please pray for good results and I am keeping all of you in my prayers also.

[floridaguy65]

What do you do for your anxiety / panic? This is what is really important.

Your mole will turn out to be nothing. Even if it comes back 'atypical' or 'midly dyplastic' all they will do is go back and take a little bit more. It isn't a big deal really - I assure you. Melanoma is overwhelmingly nothing that is even being considered. You musn't google or you will be worse off (anxiety wise) - I promise. But, you already know this by now:)

What is your 'HA history', also?

Peace and Feel Well:)

[PennyPanic]

Floridaguy I don't take anything for anxiety.  My mom and sister suffer from anxiety.  My mom has panic disorder.  They both take xanax.

I'm the most normal one in the family - yeah scary hugh.  And though I definitely have HA, I'm generally pretty stoic but I have not handled this well at all.

One of my dearest friends has a brother who is 26 and dying from Melanoma.  I'm thinking that is where this fear is coming from.  I'm usually pretty cool and rational....but I really really have lost it on this one. I do realize that.

My fear is that the doc initial diagnosis is wrong and that it is Melanoma afterall, you don't really know until the path report comes in. Yes, I've googled way too  much on this.  I've seen this doc for lots and moles and other cosmetic things everything has been for cosmetic reasons.  He's never reacted to a mole in this manner and it caught me "sideways" so I just lost it.

I've also had some not so nice real health issues to deal with...hyperactive thyroid as a child...doc told my parents in front of me - I was 9...that I had a pituitary tumor.  That wasn't it, it was resolved...

Then I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis 20 years ago.  I went through  period of time that my hair was faliing out and I couldn't dress myself.  15 years in, after a lot of pain, joint damage and yada yada...and being my own medical researcher, I went to see the head of Rheumatology at Harvard...I'm on minocycline (I refused all those horrible drugs)...Minocycline is very benign and I'm in remission...but that was a big fight for my life.  I had a rheumy tell me I'd be crippled or dead in a year....that God that didn't happen.

I have fertility issues and have come to terms with not being able to have kids.

My father died 1 month before my wedding of renal cancer...it's something that has shaken me since.

My husband's best friend died a few months ago of lymphoma and he was the healthiest person I've ever known.

I've had periods of waxing and waning anxiety since childhood all health anxiety related probably due to all of the stuff I've been through and my general genetic makeup.  I know we all go through stuff.

I have a history of anxiety though I've never seen anyone for anything as I can see from my mom and sister that it hasn't helped.  I'm usually pretty tough...at least on the outside....but this has really really rocked me.

I guess I need help with my HA.  God I hope that is all there is.

Thank you for the perspective and thanks for listening.

[PennyPanic]

No results yet....sigh.

[floridaguy65]

Floridaguy I don't take anything for anxiety.  My mom and sister suffer from anxiety.  My mom has panic disorder.  They both take xanax.

Aside from meds (or not taking them), what do you do? Actions and habits and mindsets...self-help work?:)

I'm the most normal one in the family - yeah scary hugh.  And though I definitely have HA, I'm generally pretty stoic but I have not handled this well at all.

You're struggling with amped up anxiety. When we are floundering, a lot of our reasoning skills go right out the window. And, a lot of our rationalizing that we have passed this way before gets skewed....so we don't hold onto the precept that this current phase of hyper-anxiety will pass, too. It always does. Now what we do sure can determine how soon it passes or the the level of severity (lifeflow interruptions) it creates.

One of my dearest friends has a brother who is 26 and dying from Melanoma.  I'm thinking that is where this fear is coming from.  I'm usually pretty cool and rational....but I really really have lost it on this one. I do realize that.

My fear is that the doc initial diagnosis is wrong and that it is Melanoma afterall, you don't really know until the path report comes in. Yes, I've googled way too  much on this.  I've seen this doc for lots and moles and other cosmetic things everything has been for cosmetic reasons.  He's never reacted to a mole in this manner and it caught me "sideways" so I just lost it.

I've also had some not so nice real health issues to deal with...hyperactive thyroid as a child...doc told my parents in front of me - I was 9...that I had a pituitary tumor.  That wasn't it, it was resolved...

Then I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis 20 years ago.  I went through  period of time that my hair was faliing out and I couldn't dress myself.  15 years in, after a lot of pain, joint damage and yada yada...and being my own medical researcher, I went to see the head of Rheumatology at Harvard...I'm on minocycline (I refused all those horrible drugs)...Minocycline is very benign and I'm in remission...but that was a big fight for my life.  I had a rheumy tell me I'd be crippled or dead in a year....that God that didn't happen.

I have fertility issues and have come to terms with not being able to have kids.

My father died 1 month before my wedding of renal cancer...it's something that has shaken me since.

My husband's best friend died a few months ago of lymphoma and he was the healthiest person I've ever known.

Well, you've experienced more 'health stuff' in your life than most, I imagine. So, you have some precipitating factors that really might spur on your HA / anxiety issues, at times. HA peeps have health issues just like the general population....we are not 'protected', one bit, by the anxiety driven actions and habits that we can embrace (due to fear), as we feel we are doing what is needed to guard against a dire crisis. Often we do almost the complete opposite of what we truly need to do, when we are really amped up. Keep in mind that HA / Anxiety Disorder(s) are mental health concerns....they are not health issues. We have to seperate the two, as best we can, and focus upon appropriate measures for both. This is a definite challenge for an HA peep, often.

I've had periods of waxing and waning anxiety since childhood all health anxiety related probably due to all of the stuff I've been through and my general genetic makeup.  I know we all go through stuff.

Yes, we all go through stuff. For an anxiety person, though, the 'little' stuff can become a mountain and a health issue can become a 'death sentence', in our minds. So, this is why we have to work on learning how to live well alongside our anxiety issues....in order to help us keep things in perspective and help keep us from running into lifeflow interruptions because we have lost this perspective. Likely, anxiety will be with us for our entire lives, waxing and waning - as you said, but it just doesn't have to be a dominant force in our lives. It doesn't have to define us. It doesn't have to call more shots in our lives that we do:)

I have a history of anxiety though I've never seen anyone for anything as I can see from my mom and sister that it hasn't helped.  I'm usually pretty tough...at least on the outside....but this has really really rocked me.

What your mom and sister went through as far as their seeking help has little to do with you, in affect. Except that it has already built up a predisposition in your mind that it won't help you, either. With therapy / counseling we are looking for some gentle guidance and some help in understanding what's going on in our heads (and bods). Some foundations to build upon, ourselves. It isn't a magical pill (neither is an actual pill:). Ultimately, our most powerful and intrinsic lasting peace, throughout our lifetime journey, will come from our own self-help work. And it IS work (and patience and persistence and compassion and desire AND ACCEPTANCE)...little is easy when it comes to 'rewiring' our minds away from the cemented positions that anxiety has locked into our minds (and bods).

I guess I need help with my HA. 

Well, to me, there is little 'guessing':) We ALL have needed help. And, there is ALWAYS hope and help. But, if we simply hope this stuff just goes away, then we are likely gonna struggle more than we have to. And, of all the help we ever get, the greatest help is what we do ourselves...our actions and habits matter - they soooooooo matter:)

To me, I would become more of your own advocate of your mental health, as you did for your physical health. Anxiety has a very powerful ploy. It can make us feel as though we just can't be the major definer of our overall well-being....and in turn we seek out continued reassurances that all is going to be A.O.K in our lives. Being alive means living with some uncertainty. Those that can accept this have an 'easier' time negotiating through life, likely. Living WELL with some uncertainty is attainable. We have to work on it, though. We have to work on our minds, our reasonings, our perceptions, our thought processes, our reactionary habit patterns. It ain't just gonna happen without work......for us anxiety peeps. And, I'm not saying that anybody doesn't want to work....chronic anxiety can make us feel like our efforts will be useless. So what's the effort for, anyway, we can feel. Anxiety breeds stagnation. Status quo is no good - do not accept it. We ALL can live better alongside our anxiety....this I believe 100%:)

Peace and Feel Well:)

[mollyfin]

I've known a lot of people with dysplastic nevus...nevi?  Well, however you pluralize it.  It's not a huge deal, just a sketchy mole that MIGHT have plans to be cancerous in the future.  If you have one, they usually recommend regular mole checks at the dermatologist because people who have one are likely to get others, and it's hard to give yourself a thorough mole check. 

No news is good news, usually, but even if the news is that, it's really not something to be worried about.  I had a biopsy for a suspected one myself (dermatologist suggested it, not me, one of the rare times I wasn't the one asking if a doctor was sure I didn't need a test LOL) - turned out to just be a mole!  They took all of mine just to be safe, so on the plus side, I got rid of a really ugly mole ;) 

[PennyPanic]

FloridaGuy:  Your words and reasoning challenge me and I appreciate that so much.  The uncertainty of having a dysplastic nevus is certainly something that an HA peep and type A personality doesn't want because everything has to be "perfect" ...but I'm more concerned that it is melanoma.  I just don't know until I know.

I know most docs wouldn't tell you it's not unless they were pretty sure.
I know he's an excellent doctor
I'm just freaked freaked freaked out about that.

To know that you've had so many moles and dysplastic ones removed and are still here and not worried really helps me.  In fact, you've helped me a lot.

I actually don't do anything for anxiety at all....it's been a long, long time since I've been this bad or this freaked out.  In fact, I'm not sure if I remember being so freaked out...of course the current fear du Jour always seems to be the worst one, right?

I have a client who is a therapist.  I spoke with her yesterday and am seeing her today.  I thank you for encouraging me to seek help.

[PennyPanic]

Mollyfin

Thank you so much for the reassurance.  I really need that right now and it helps so much to know that I'm not alone.
I just can't express how much that helps me to get through the days until the results.

Docs office is closed today so I won't know til Monday at the earliest...so another long weekend ahead.  My fear is not the dysplastic nevus, per se so much as it is melanoma.  I just don't understand how a doc would know the difference before a biopsy was done and in fact he said the biopsy is the final word on it...which I get intellectually...but emotionally I'm a wreck.

I just have to find a way to get a hold of myself.

Googling has not been a good thing for my mental state....it's a compulsion and I have to stop that.

This board has helped me a lot to reframe things in my head and seek professional help and I am very grateful for that.

Thanks Mollyfin again for your reassurance.

[PennyPanic]

Still waiting on results.  I called and they still don't have it yet.  I'm freaking out.

[greend]

Hang in there.  I know it is hard, been there.  You will have the results soon.

[Fenway77]

That's a tough spot to be in.  I'm sure many of us have been in your shoes (I know I have).  First of all, remember that what you went through is actually quite common.  The removal of out-of-the-ordinary moles is VERY common.  You must remember that simply because they are not ordinary it does not make them bad.  It's completely 1) better safe than sorry down the road and 2) an issue of giving you piece of mind.  I once asked my dermatologist if she always removed all out-of-the-ordinary moles and she said not always...but she always did when she knew that it would help the patient's anxiety (which is the case for me).  It's not a fun experience...but think of it like this: if you stay proactive about your skin health...you will GREATLY reduce your chances of something bad popping up.  I know it's hard to keep your mind on other things...but just try and stay busy.  The results will come...and you'll feel a great sense of relief when they do.  Hang in there!!

[megsi99]

Hang in there! I know it's a terrible feeling, but odds are far and away on your side. My derm always tells me if it's bad news, I would hear something the very next day.

I work myself into a panic every single time I have a mole removed - it's so easy to do. Easier said than done, but try and relax and do some things that are fun for you. Browsing Pinterest, watching trashy TV or reading seems to help me, sometimes. I hope you feel better.

[PennyPanic]

So here's the rest of the story for the next poor HA person who is freaking out....

I got the results back today.  The lesion removed was benign...thank God.  Just a mildly dysplastic nevus.  I'm glad it's gone, but it was benign.

There is no way I could have gotten through this without this board and all of you specifically who commented here for me.  This has been a very distressing time and I am now going to get regular skin checks...as I have been "scared straight."

I thank you all so much for sharing my burden with me.  I know it was a lot to ask of you.  You helped me so much to get through it and I appreciate that so much.  I truly have no words to express my gratitude.

Now I have to really work on getting better with my HA and also being of service and help to all of you here because we all suffer so very much with the HA.

God bless and thank you.