time to rant

[dcphoenix]

Been while since I've been on here.  time for me to rant. 

the main thing triggering this is the fact that I am sick today.  On New Years.  Partly my hypochondriasis taking over even though it's really mainly just a mild sore throat and diarrhea but I find myself thinking of worst-case scenarios.  And partly just the fact that I'm sick on new years and feel like I'll be the only one stuck inside while everyone else is out partying.

and this triggers my other anxieties.  mainly about being single and being alone.  42 years old and never married, no kids.  years since I even had a serious girlfriend.  My anxieties about "what are other people thinking about me?", "how can I ever find a girlfriend?  all girls will be repulsed by my lack of relationship experience", "I'm a loser.  a loner"  "I'll be single forever" etc etc etc

and anxieties about the psych meds I'm on now (Klonopin and Lexapro).  "what if I'm on these forever?"  "what if people find out?"  "what's wrong with me?"  etc etc etc.

[kconnors]

Hi . . .

Glad you came by to rant . .  .get it out in 2012 so you can start 2013 . . . . look, so you are 42 years old, never married, and no kids . . .  so what? That is not the only path . . . would you be happier if you were 42 years old, married 4 times unhappily, and supporting 11 kids? All I am saying is that sometimes we think the distant pasture is always greener because we let other people define what we should be doing rather than relying on ourselves to determine what we should be doing . . . .what I think that you are saying is that you would like to have a loving and enduring relationship but your anxiety prevents you from doing so . . . .because you are on meds, I am assuming that you are seeing a therapist and, if not, perhaps that is something to consider for 2013  . . . I will be the first to say that it is difficult with anxiety to be in social situations which is where one-to-one relationships usually evolve but have you found some non-traditional sources for looking for a relationship such as through volunteer groups . . .

You say that all the girls will be repulsed by your lack of relationship experience . . . . is this a rule some place with which I am unfamiliar? A nice, considerate 42 year old man with little relationship experience is a much better catch, if you will, than a self-centered 42 year old man who has been around the block more times than anyone can count . . . I know, this scenario does not play out in sit coms and movies but reality is different . . . you may have to do a bit of digging but enhance and capitalize on those qualities that are attractive . . . I do not feel that you are a loser, loner, or that you will be single forever, etc. etc. unless you believe that is who you are . . . the first step is to figure out your good qualities and capitalize on that . . . .do you know how to use a hammer? If so, volunteer at Habitat for Humanity . . . .do you know how to organize events, volunteer at a local community centre  . . . my last bit of uninvited advice is that you are taking Klonopin and Lexapro . . . you fear that people will find out . . . why? are you going to tell them? Yes, when you do start to develop a relationship with a woman, before it goes too far, you must be honest with her but you certainly do not have to hand out business cards announcing it . . . .and, yes, some people may be reluctant to engage with you, that's there problem . . . mental health still has not achieved parity with physical health issues . . . .but, I am sorry, I will not apologize for either my physical or mental health issues . . .they may be a part of my life but they certainly do not define me and if someone is not interested in getting to know me past my issues, then it is their loss . . .

Look, I understand about being "alone" but I also understand that I have to take risks and get out there . . . .perhaps because I have no intention of living my life as a hermit, it may be easier for me but I can tell you, in the beginning, it was damn hard but I just kept doing it and I have no regrets . . .

Make yourself a list of your qualities and accomplishments . . . yes, you are on meds but you are smart enough to know that you need them for now; yes, you are tired of being stuck inside while everyone else is out partying but New Year's Eve is just one of 365 days, you have the other ones to work on and celebrate who you are; yes, you do not have a significant other in your life, but at least go out and get in the swing of things and see what happens . . .no guarantees, but I can assure you if you stay in a hermit like state, you are dribbling away a lot of potential possibilities . . . .

Let us know how you are doing . . . remember to seek value in yourself and others will follow . . .take care, kc

[dcphoenix]

wow.  that was an awesome response.  thanks SO MUCH for taking the time to post that.
I will really try to take it to heart.

you are 100% right that hiding out and becoming a hermit gets me (us) nowhere!  One of my new years resolutions is to put myself out there more, without worrying what people will think (easier said than done).  I often isolate myself from groups because I am afraid that the conversation will turn to relationships and people will ask "why are you still single?"  better to be in those situations than hiding from them, though.

as far as the meds, you raise a good point.  I hate the fact that I'm on them but just gotta remind myself that they are helping (at least for now).  Just like a diabetic may need to be on insulin or a person with hypertension may need to be on antihypertensives, this is what I need right now.  I like what you said about disclosing it to the RIGHT person but no need to announce it to the world.  Hell, there may be people out there taking similar meds that I don't even know about.  (in fact a few friends whom I DID mention this to, turned out to have taken similar meds in the past)

Anyway, again, thanks for the input.  some great food for thought