Feel I'm letting my family down:((

[Pearl35]

I had no idea where to post this as I've a mixture of anxieties recently so I hope it's ok here.

I'm 33, married with 3 beautiful children, they are my absolute world and I adore them so much.

I've had anxiety since I was 19, it just comes and goes, always been about my health and I've coped. 8 years ago after my second child was born I took medication for health anxiety and depression. I was at my lowest point so I gave into medication and I had CBT. It helped and since then I've suffered anxiety blips here and there but coped fine, I only took meds for a year and they helped at the time.

The year hasn't been good for me. I'm crying as I type this so I'm sorry for any typing errors, I can't see too well, lol! In January I started with female issues which went on for 6 months, I eventually started the pill and now I'm totally fine which is great. That 6 months though wasn't nice feeling so drained from heavy bleeding, tests, appointments etc... My anxiety was a bit high. Then suddenly in July my lovely Nan died suddenly from pneumonia, I've never got over losing her and I cry for her daily. We were very close and I'd even go as far to say she was like a mum to me when my mum wasn't. I had a tough childhood and my nan was always there for me.

I noticed after my nan died I wasn't myself, I stopped sleeping, tearful, I became quite withdrawn...... But then in September my brother started making accusations that I'd 'grassed' him to social services for hitting his son. It caused me immense stress. He has serious issues, he's on meds but they don't work. He's out of control with his anger, last year he came to my house punched my husbands pulled my wall down, told my son to F off (my son abs since suffered awful anxiety). I cut my brother and his fiancée off as they were making me ill. He trashes his house, threatens people, threatens to kill himself.......I could go on, he's not a nice person. It's day in September he rung me being so nasty, then I passed him later on in his car and he swerved to run me off the road. I went to the police station for safety, I was on my way home. He ran into the station and went to attack me, scaring me to death. He was arrested and he's now not allowed near me.

My so called family haven't helped. They all felt sorry for him saying he's ill and paranoid and even though he has hit his son etc... He can't help it. My sisters cut me off and my mum took his side despite me being the one hurt and traumatised. My mum saw sense and apologised, she and her partner laid into jon about it. He also out threats to have me killed on his 0409 and 0248, all very frightening,

After that day I stopped going out more and more. I now struggle to go out of the house, I can't sit down and watch TV without tapping my foot with anxiety, I hold my body and head tense 24/7, I'm jumpy over every noise, I can't watch TV if anything is violent or raised voices, I'm scared of every symptom I have, I've constant anxiety....... It's a living nightmare.

I gave in and took my GPS advice and started anti depressants on Friday. I can't take SSRI meds after an allergic reaction so I'm back on Dosulepin, which I was on 8 years ago. Im only on 25mg and my GP thinks they will help me very soon. The only thing is they are raising my anxiety because they aren't advised to prescribe these anymore due to their danger in overdose (which obviously I'm not going to do) and also affects on the heart (cardiac arythmia) I had palpitations last night and this morning, I scared myself silly and ran to my GP panicking, saying I can't be on meds that have these dangers:( He tried his best to reassure me, he said I need meds now and counselling to get over the traumas I've been through, I agree but I'm so scared the meds will make me worse:((

In the last 2 weeks I've also been suffering with a tight heavy, warm back of the head that feels so heavy and warm that it makes me woozy when I walk, alsomy legs are heavy. GP said its anxiety but me being me I am concerned why my head feels warm just down the back, why I feel woozy and like lead:( feels like I'm walking on a moving bus:/ Can anyone relate?

I just feel so sad. I love my children, they are my world and I want to be me again for them:((( what if I can't? What if I let them down and these meds kill me or make me even more unwell?

My husband goes back to work Wednesday and I'm dreading it, I will be lost without him:( he's been great.

Thank you all for listening if you got this far, I just really needed to get out how I feel:((((

[Cuchculan]

Horrible situation to be in. When a family turns against you. Especially at such a sad time, after you had just lost your grandmother. The only real suggestion I can make it some form of theraphy. To get what is inside of you out. I have no doubt there is loads within. Be it anger. Or even hurt. That will never help your situation at all. It all has to come out. Be dealt with in the correct way. Here we can only offer words. It is a therapist that could offer the right kind of outlet for everything housed within. Maybe even start up your own journal. In it you can write letters to those people you know who have hurt you the most. Once you write a letter you them take on their role. You try and answer your own letter. Just a small theraphy exercise. But one that can bring emotions to the front. But apart from that keep on writing on a daily basis. More about how you feel. Best to get it all out. Even if nobody is going to read it. At least you have it all written down. As for medication. I am sure the medication won't kill you. The doctor is fully aware of your reaction to SSRIs. So you have been placed on something safer for you. You have kids that mean the world to you. Make them your main focus. Your reason for wanting to beat this. No matter how bad you may feel, there is always a road back. We are here for support if we can help you. Remember, never say never. We are all strong people. Battlers. We fight every day of our lives. That is a sign of out strength. Not of any weakness. Try and be positive. I am sure things will pick up for you.

[David Z]

Hi Pearl.

The only thing I would advise is to remember that what we feel is not as important as what we do when it comes to changing our lives for the better. Are you doing anything for yourself, to make yourself happier and healthier?

Sometimes as parents we get to a place in life where we get so used to taking care of people and giving of ourselves that we forget how to take care of ourselves, but there is nothing more important in the world.

I recommend taking up a hobby that rejuvenates and refreshes you, that will support you in making positive change in your life, like exercise, yoga, or meditation.