My life is over, I ruined it.

[Scaredandworried]

I've missed out on about 2 and a half years of school because of depression, OCD, Anxiety and Hypochronida and it makes me want to punch a wall everytime I think about it, because I didn't try hard enough. I passed year 8 because I went to school enough, passed year 9 because of my conditions, but failed year 10 because doing 11 without year 10 work will be too hard.

I still have lots of friends, socialize and go out but I feel like I missed such a big part of life. Not only that, but I used to be fairly smart, getting Bs but I'm scared of going back because I've missed so much work. I don't want to struggle, I want to be smart like I used to be and I'm worried I won't be, I had a maths tutor in year 9 once every 2 weeks so I wouldn't fall behind, but when I did my test it was a a bunch of stuff we didnt go over. Plus, now it's 1 year later and I feel like I've forgotten everything I learned, but I'm not sure... I'm so hopeless....

[Scaredandworried]

Okay, it's not over, but I still feel like I ruined it.

[howifeel]

Hey scaredandworried, glad you are reaching out, and it sounds like you have the ability to check your emotions. Math is tough because you have to keep at it, or you can lose it. Calculus was tough for me, and then I went into applied combinatorics, which I don't even know if colleges teach this any more. Primarily for those studying Computer Science (which that was my major). Switched schools and majors by my junior year in college after I had a few mishaps in life. Graduated and got a good job, nevertheless.

Depression and anxiety can totally hijack your ability to do complex problems, and school, in general. It sounds like you have some self expectations that you really want to fulfill. Then, if you don't fulfill your expectations, you see yourself as a failure. If someone outside of your head spoke to you in the way that your own mind speaks to you, how would you respond to them?

Now, what I used to think ruined my life, and brought me to a place where I was willing to take my own life (got hospitalized etc.), has turned out to be the best thing that has ever happened to me. Life is not linear, but has many unexpected variations. That being the case, it is not predictable. One way to see how the mind cannot be trusted is to note how easy it is to believe (without a doubt) something awful will happen. Then how sluggish the mind is to embrace that life may be headed in a direction that is better than what we planned. It's hard for others to relate to the darkness that overcomes those of us with Major Depressive Disorder. Be very patient (even years patient). It is worth it to allow life to wash over you and make you into a unique human being that can help others. I'd suggest you keep up with school stuff (reduce to half time, for example), stay in the game, keep moving, and remember it is a long distance race that has a lot of struggle time in between the start and finish line. I kept moving, I never backed out of anything completely (even though I wanted to "take a break"). Try and fail. Fail as often as you want, just keep trying. Failure is okay. I do it all the time. You can still make it in life, even with a string of failures behind you. Many have failed. I feel sorry for the ones who are uncomfortable revealing that fact.

[Scaredandworried]

Why did i forgot what I learnt though? It makes me feel useless and gives me no hope.

[howifeel]

I think that forgetting is what happens when something else occupies what you once knew. Like anxiety dwells where the math once was. So, now math is overwhelming because you must connect the dots, so to speak. Feeling hopeless and worthless, are symptoms of our condition. Meds can interfere. You may doze while trying to perform school work. The way I see it, is to treat the illness accordingly, and, as a priority. Let school be a lower priority (but I don't suggest quitting or taking a break).

Hopeless and worthless are two main issues with a depressive. I am struggling with that right now. Sounds like your illness is angering you. Reduce your expectations because. Expectations/Demands-->leads to fear (only two fears. Either losing something I have or not getting what I want. These fears lead to anger which then makes us impulsive behaviorally, and overwhelmed mentally.

So. Reducing your expectations/demands (e.g. "I must get back to being the person I was). Reduce it to "I have an illness that I never wanted. Lets see how far I can go. Or "I must get good grades! -change it to- I am going to try to not get an F. That whole teacher switching things during a test is frustrating. Even more so when the other students seem to be on board with it. Nevertheless Lower Demands/ reduces fears/reduces anger/gets rid of impulsivity and your attention span grows. I would bet that you would find that you have forgotten very little.

[For_the_horde]

I'm in a similar situation. If everything goes to plan (which it probably won't) I will be graduating high school when I'm about 20, I lost all my friends and got into serious trouble with the law and with drugs and alcohol. I know it blows really hard and it hurts but you gotta keep looking forward. It's better to graduate later than never.

[howifeel]

For the horde - good for you! I quit school at sophomore year. Big mistake! Should have persevered like you are describing. I had the usual, problems with drugs, legal, even psych unit (jail was easier, in a way). I eventually got tired of it. Took a few years to catch up. You said, "If everything goes according to plan", but I am finding that sometimes it goes better than planned. A pleasant surprise. So much wasted time bracing for the worst. Anxiety and depression remained after I got clean, but at least there was a life purpose to pursue. Now I see these emotional problems as insurance against becoming too self confident, and complacent.

[LindaRK]

What great responses you've received!

Your life definitely isn't over ...... I can't comment on whether or not you ruined that part of your life because I'm not you.  But you know what?  That part of your life is minute compared to what's left.  You have many more years ahead of you - time to complete schooling or whatever you choose to do.  Try not to be so hard on yourself.  Anxiety tends to do that - it also tends to screw up our memories (been there, done that). 

I went through a period in college where I screwed around one semester and dropped out of my classes.  Lied to everyone - even my boyfriend (now hubby).  It was a very rough time for me and anxiety was at it's prime.  I was fortunately to have a very lucky person at that time (hubby) who told me not to beat myself up over this.  I ended up going back to school and completing my degree, despite the anxiety.  Since then, I've gone back to school for more degrees, the last one being completed just a few years ago (I'll be 56 this year).  So, you see ... it's never too late.  And speaking as an anxiety sufferer - your life definitely isn't over.

[Scaredandworried]

Thanks for all the encouraging responses, it's really helped. I still feel like I messed up that part of my life though, but I'm not sure. 

[aj]

I feel where you're coming from. I dropped out of college because of my anxiety. one day I just decided I couldn't go back. i eventually found a better option for my self and it was the best decision of my life!don't worry, there is hope. you will find a way!

[howifeel]

Well said AJ! I think we get obsessive about how life should be, and miss out on some amazing plan changes that can be unexpectedly better! Great input. Things do work out.

[Encore]

I am new to the group, but I can promise you didn't ruin it.  Mistakes?  Regrets?  We are human and we make them.  Are there things in my past I wish I could change?  Yes, definitely.  But one power we have is to make choices.  You don't have to keep beating yourself up for things that have already happened, it's ok, you are definitely not alone.  But you have the power to take a step forward again.  Is it hard?  Yes -- many things are hard.  I am struggling with a situation I feel is impossible right now.  But all I can do is take one day and one step at a time.  And keep telling myself that there are no rules on what your life is "supposed" to be -- things happen, we might crash, but with support and time, we can rebuild.